An Irishman walks into a bar and orders three glasses of Guiness, drinking them one at a time. Noticing this odd ritual, the bartender explains that the beer goes flat when poured and informs the man his beer would be much fresher if he ordered one glass at a time.
The Irishman explains he began this custom with his two brothers, who have moved to America and Australia, respectively. This is their way of remembering all the time they spent drinking together.
The man becomes a regular at the pub, well-known for always ordering three beers at once. One day he walks in and orders only two beers. Assuming the worst, a hush falls among other patrons.
When the Irishman returns to the bar to order his second round, the bartender quietly offers his condolences. The man looks confused for a moment, and then explains, "No, everyone's fine. I gave up beer for lent."
Paddy was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. "What's wrong, Seamus?" Paddy asked. "Well didn't ya know, Paddy, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Seamus. "Ah, praise the Almighty!" Paddy replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"
There is a story about the Irishman who drowned while he was digging a grave for a friend. He'd wanted to be buried at sea.
Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with British TV host Anne Diamond when he used the word 'manyana'. Diamond asked him to explain what it meant. He said that the term means "maybe the job will be done to-morrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next week, next month, next year. Who cares?" The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in Irish. "No. In Ireland we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency.", replied Brennan.
Mrs. Pete Monaghan came into the newsroom to pay for her husband's
obiturary. She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a dollar a word
and he remembered Pete and wasn't it too bad about him passing away. She
thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two
dollars. But she wrote out the obituary, "Pete died." The newsman said he
thought old Pete deserved more and he'd give her three more words at no
charge. Mrs. Pete Monaghan thanked him and rewrote the obituary: "Pete
died. Boat for sale"
Irish Medical Dictionary
If nothing else we Irish can spot a good laugh at a hundred paces. if you have ever listened to a Dubliner or a Corkonian in every day speech you would understand just how the English language is enriched by their pronunciation and application of every day words. When I was growing up I used to think the arthritis was named after someone called Arthur as it was commonly referred to as "Arthuritis". So I guess that some of the explanations below could well have come from some Dub with a sense of humour or maybe an Ulsterman with their "Barium"
Artery The study of Painting
Bacteria Back door of a Cafeteria
Barium What Doctors do when patients die
Bowel A letter like A,E,I,O,U
Caesarean Section A neighbourhood in Rome
Cat Scan Search for kitty
Cauterise Made eye contact with her
Coma A punctuation mark
D&C Where Washington is
Dilate To live longer
Enema Not a friend
Fibula A small lie
Genital Not a Jew
G.I Series A soldier ball game
Hangnail Coat hook
Impotent Distinguished, well known
Labour pain Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff Doctors cane
Morbid A higher offer
Nitrates Cheaper than day rates
Node Was aware of
Outpatient A person who has fainted
Pap smear A fatherhood test
Pelvis A cousin to Elvis
Recovery room Place to do upholstery
Rectum Almost killed him
Secretion Hiding something
Seizure Roman Emperor
Tablet A small table
Terminal illness Getting sick at the airport
Tumor Another two
Urine Opposite to "you're out"