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Thus is my life...



Sam wants a 25-30 inch flat screen tv for her room. She has an old one. Really old. It's big and bulky not to mention an eyesore. But we just don't have the money for it and I told her she can save up for it. She's a little frustrated because she only made 12.00 last week and figures at this rate it will take way over a year to get one. I explained she needs to learn that you have to do things when you have the money, not when you feel like it. If that was the case, she would have everything and be a spoiled brat. I also explained that she needs to remember there are always people that are even more poor than herself. I think she understood, but that doesn't mean she liked it. Heck when we were young no one had a tv in their room. We were lucky to have a tv in our living room much later in life for me.

Sam wants to volunteer at the group home we go to and they informed me that she can come and visit with me, but she can't come alone or do anything productive with the guys. I realize she's only 10, but it seems like they could put her to use in some small way. Don't you think?

Now, I have a question. Sam's best friend has become very verbally abusive and makes Sam Cry all the time. I don't know what's going on. I ask her if Sam did something and she said, "I just don't feel like putting up with her right now." Then she sits on her Kindle and refuses to talk to Sam. So I asked my friends and relatives is Sam is really annoying or something and my son said he thinks she's one of the kindest girls he knows of. Everyone all said the only thing about Sam is she tends to be a mother hen. She thinks she has to take care of everything and anything. :) I stopped letting this girl come over to the house for the weekend and instead we have Sam's cousins over one at a time to stay with her and play. We've had four sleepovers with other girls and there have been no incidents. It's weird Do you think I did the right thing or I should have kept my nose out of her business? God, it's been so long since I was a mom.


And lastly, my oldest daughter, Samantha's mom is now on the streets. Before she lived with her druggy boyfriend. Now she's on the street. She said she was thinking about asking a friend to take her out here and pick Sam up for an outing. I told her no. Then I asked Sam if she knew what to do if her mom told her to get in a car with her. She answered all the right questions and seems to be doing okay, so I'm going to let someone higher up worry about this. :) But my middle child, asked if Shannon was coming for dinner on Thanksgiving. I honestly don't know what to say and could use some advice. What do you all think? It would be much different if she was off drugs and making an effort.

Comments

( 19 comments — Leave a comment )
(Anonymous)
Oct. 30th, 2015 07:55 am (UTC)
Dearesr Patt,

I really feel for you and all your concerns. You really are an incredibly kind woman, and Sam is so lucky to have you in her life. I have had other kind of trobles, but a bit related to yours, about my nieces and nephews. The only advice I can give after many years of that is that there are no answers. There really never is a right way to do anything, no way to know that Yes, I did the right thing here. Often I really think that you just have to forgive yourself for any mistakes you might have done and struggle on. You did your best, that's all you could do. I myself would not have her former best friend over again, until she sorted out her issues. Sam is not her boxing bag, she has to learn that if you treat people wrong, there will be consequences. About your poor daughter. There's nothing you can do right now. Just show her that your door never will close for her, but as long as she is on drugs, she can't be a part of the family. She MUST go to rehab and clean up. You have no choice in this. My heart is bleeding for you here, believe me. About the TV, maybe there will be som fantastic sale around New Year, it always is where I live. And then perhaps Sam can have a late christmas present?
pattrose
Oct. 30th, 2015 02:36 pm (UTC)
Thank you for all this. And the January present does sound good. Gives us both time to save up.

Edited at 2015-10-30 02:49 pm (UTC)
tinnean
Oct. 30th, 2015 11:11 am (UTC)
I'm so sorry you and Samantha are going through this right now. FWIW, I think you did the right thing with Sam's "friend". If she's making Sam cry, if she's not even making an effort to play with her, then I think she needs to be out of Sam's life.

About Shannon... considering how things are, I'd say cut her loose for the time being. If it seems she's trying to get her act together, then by all means welcome her back. As it is right now, I'd be terrified something could happen to Sam, and she'd your priority.

And now the easiest problem: Instead of a 25-30" TV, why not something a little smaller? Target has a 19" flat screen for about $120.

Good luck to all of you. {{{Patt and family}}}
pattrose
Oct. 30th, 2015 02:40 pm (UTC)
I agree with you and the friend problem. And poor Shannon, she just seems like a lost soul, but right now I only have one worry and that is Sam. I will consider the 19 inch for Sometime in December. That's pretty cheap. Thanks for the advise and the friendship.
grey853
Oct. 30th, 2015 02:22 pm (UTC)
Such hard questions. It's really not easy with kids even when it's a regular situation, which yours is not.

I think you did a good thing about explaining how you have to save up for things you want. She might not like it now, but in the long run, she'll appreciate it so much more. And it's not like she's going without a TV. It teaches how to be grateful, too, when she helps get it herself.

I think you did the right thing about the abusive friend. If someone is being toxic, you have to keep that child away from someone like Sam who's already been exposed to that kind of attitude with her mother. She might not even recognize that it's not okay to be treated that way. It's a strange dynamic that kids of alcoholics or drug users will sometimes fall into if you don't stop it.

Volunteering is always a good thing, but it should be so that it doesn't stress you out. She's only 10, so she'd really need to be supervised in her volunteer work. It's good she wants to do it, but it's got to be convenient for you, too.

As for Shannon coming to Thanksgiving, it would be bad if she didn't think she could at least come and share a meal with family. But you might just have to tell her that if she can't show up sober. That would be a very hard, hard conversation to have, but it might be what's needed for Sam's sake. Then again, Sam seeing her mother in a controlled setting might be a good thing. It's just a difficult call and not one anyone who doesn't know your daughter can make.

{{{Hugs}}}
pattrose
Oct. 30th, 2015 02:48 pm (UTC)
Thank you for all of the advice, but especially the hugs. :)
finlaure
Oct. 30th, 2015 03:30 pm (UTC)
I have never been a parent so I can't give any advice on that front, just my prayers for strength for you and your family. As far as Thanksgiving goes, I do have some experience with having to tell a family member to sober up or not show up. It is the hardest thing but just think how much it might hurt all involved if the mom shows up out of it. HUGS and Prayers to all of you!!!!
pattrose
Oct. 30th, 2015 04:04 pm (UTC)
Hugs and prayers do wonders. Thank you. :)
snailbones
Oct. 30th, 2015 03:50 pm (UTC)


Oh love - so many problems, when you all deserve some smooth sailing. *hugs*

You're a fab mum, and whatever your instincts tell you will be right.

Your daughter needs to get her act together - I feel endlessly sorry for her, but the bottom line is she's an adult and has control over the decisions she makes, good or bad. Sam hasn't got that luxury, and she can't have your daughter wandering in and out of her life when the mood takes her; it's not fair on any of you, least of all Sam.

And I think you're so right with the friend too - you can't stop the friendship or stop the kid being unpleasant, but you've stopped it happening in your home - go you!

Love & hugs, and tons of positive pompom waving - you're doing a fabulous job of being a mum all over again. ♥

pattrose
Oct. 30th, 2015 04:13 pm (UTC)
Everything will work out. LIfe is like that, right? Her school is having a party today, but they can only wear costumes that are homemade. She thought and thought and realized that she had everything to be a nerd. She was quite proud of herself. I laughed when I saw her and said, "Why a nerd?" She said, "I knew I had everything, because I'm a nerd." She cracks me up.

 photo 5885caa4-ce29-4792-8288-896ce7746cc0_zps6veollrs.jpg
snailbones
Oct. 30th, 2015 04:23 pm (UTC)


Awww! She looks fabulous - and so pretty too. What a lovely bright young lady she's turning into - and fun with it! Things will come out right - they always do. *hugs*

pattrose
Oct. 30th, 2015 04:26 pm (UTC)
Thank you, Snail. And everything always does work out for the best in the end. :) I have got to learn to have some patience. LOL I'm patient with Sam, but life in general, not so much. LOL Have a great weekend.
emerald_green37
Oct. 30th, 2015 08:06 pm (UTC)
You're doing the right things for the right reason. Sam doesn't need negativity in her life right now from either her so-called friend or her bio-mom.

I get where you're coming from in regards to the tv, too. However, check out tigerdirect.com If she's willing to go a little smaller (like a 24-29") they usually have some for under $100. Seeing it within reach might make it easier for her to save up. Or for it to become a Christmas present.
pattrose
Oct. 30th, 2015 08:10 pm (UTC)
Thank you. I think we're doing the right things too. As for the tv, I've thought long and hard and until this tv breaks, it's not going to kill her. :) My hubster's transmission just went out on our older car, so we're probably looking at buying something new. *sigh* She'll be excited if she gets to shop with us. LOL
bluewolf458
Oct. 30th, 2015 08:41 pm (UTC)
If the 'friend' is abusive, then the only thing is to kill the acquaintance.

Re Shannon - you have to think what's best for Sam. If Shannon can clean up her act, fine. If not... Sam's needs come first, and she doesn't need to be faced with seeing her mother on drugs.

Re Sam saving the money herself for the TV - apart from making it a Christmas present, I think that's a good idea. I think I pretty well explained my feelings about someone being given anything they wanted in one of my recent stories...
pattrose
Oct. 30th, 2015 09:02 pm (UTC)
Until this tv breaks, I'm going to tell her it's going to do. She doesn't need a flat screen tv to survive. Rodney had the transmission in our car go out today, so we have to watch our pennies now. Sam has some money saved, maybe she'll loan it to us. LOL YOu're right about Shannon. And you're right about the abusive friend. Sam doesn't need either of them in her life. Things are going to work out just fine. This has been a tough month, but they'll get easier as time goes on. I have faith. :) Thank you for being my friend, Sheila.
dimity_blue
Oct. 30th, 2015 10:18 pm (UTC)
For what it's worth, I think you did the right thing by stopping Sam's so-called friend from coming over. While friends do have spats, that continued attitude speaks very poorly of the other girl. Sam's only 10. While she's mature and sensible for her age, it's easy for people to get sucked into putting up with abuse from a friend or relative because they're nice some of the time. Hopefully, this girl's attitude is temporary. Either way, Sam needs to know she deserves better treatment than that.

As for your daughter, I'm so sorry. That must be so difficult to deal with. But, yeah, while she's on drugs she's not safe to have around. I am sorry, Patt.

*hugs tightly*
pattrose
Oct. 30th, 2015 10:28 pm (UTC)
Thank you for the hugs. I always know you all have my back. :) It's a nice feeling.
stargatesg1971
Oct. 31st, 2015 10:03 am (UTC)
Friends come and go at that age and that last thing Sam needs is an abusive one, it's best to cut and run before things escalate and it becomes bullying. I think you did the right thing. You never know the girl might get a wake up call as a result and change her way.

I'm sorry things with your daughter are so difficult.

*hugs*
( 19 comments — Leave a comment )

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