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I'm not sure how to feel right now.

My brother, Dan called and said that Mom has taken to her bed more and more every day and night. (She used to hate going to bed, it gave her hives if she slept too much.) But she told Dan tonight that she thinks she's ready to go to be with Dad. I understand that she's lonely, but Dan said it's more than that. Her dementia is worse and she just doesn't hardly eat any more. I don't know if a person can tell if they're going to die or not. So, I don't know how to feel about any of this. I feel sad, but yet happy at the idea of her being with Dad again. This would make her very happy. We'll just have to wait and see what happens. He's going to call if I need to go down.

Hugs, Patt


( 28 comments — Leave a comment )
Dec. 8th, 2013 07:04 am (UTC)
Oh, (((((Patt))))) But - as well as a time when they're ready to go, there does come a time when they want to go, even if it's only subconsciously. Hard for those left behind, but you know that they are happy.
Dec. 8th, 2013 08:35 am (UTC)
Yes, Dan said she's happy about going. I'm sad and happy at the same time. It's weird. She's 87, had a great life, so if she wants to join Dad then she should. I wouldn't want to stop her at all. She might hang on for months, you just never know. But when Dan said she doesn't even make her bed anymore, because she takes to it so much, I knew things were bad.

Edited at 2013-12-08 08:38 am (UTC)
Dec. 8th, 2013 03:22 pm (UTC)
This is going to sound strange, but it'll be easier on you if she goes quickly.

My father just dropped suddenly, and I grieved... as much as I had time to, becaus My mother hung on for a long time, getting more and more frail, and when she finally went all I could feel was relief. She'd been saying for at least three years that she wanted to go
Dec. 8th, 2013 03:40 pm (UTC)
This is going to sound strange, but it'll be easier on you and Dan if she goes quickly now.

I had it both ways, fast and slow.

My father went suddenly, between one breath and the next, and I grieved... as much as I had time to, because I had to stay strong for my mother. She hung on for ten years, getting more and more frail, and when she finally went all I could feel was relief that it was over. When it reaches that stage... you feel guilty that you're not grieving, even though you know it was what she wanted and you're glad she's not suffering any longer, that you're not having to watch her suffering...

Update this second post is because the first one didn't seem to go.

Edited at 2013-12-08 03:43 pm (UTC)
Dec. 8th, 2013 09:50 am (UTC)
Oh, Patt.

Dec. 8th, 2013 09:56 am (UTC)
This could go on for months, or it could be soon. I guess that's what bothers me. I don't know when I should go down. We're going to be in Texas for Christmas, but our daughter and her husband said they will all fly down with us for the funeral if it happens then. I just feel so helpless, waiting. Thank you for the hugs. They mean a lot to me.
Dec. 8th, 2013 09:59 am (UTC)
What I really meant to say, was I'm sort of selfish and wish she'd be better in a week, you know? I would like to have her around longer. But, whatever happens, I will accept.
Dec. 8th, 2013 10:11 am (UTC)
That's not selfish! It's so totally possible to want someone you love to be able and willing to stay with you longer so you can have more time with them at the same time that you want them to be happy and at peace and to move on, if that's what they want and need to do. I've been there, and you're not being selfish at all, just loving. Wishing someone could stay longer -- and want to stay longer -- but being also being ready to let them go with love, that is totally totally not selfish.

*hugs you again*
Dec. 8th, 2013 10:16 am (UTC)
Thank you for your kind words. They helped.
Dec. 8th, 2013 11:23 am (UTC)
Patt, I'm so sorry. It does seem to happen that way sometimes - when a couple have been togther, and happy, for so long it must be hard to be left behind. My grandmother lived for years after Granddad died, but she was never the same without him.

That said, this sounds like depression rather than physical decline (staying in bed and not eating are fairly classic symptoms), which means there *are* solutions if you want to explore them.

Dec. 8th, 2013 11:28 am (UTC)
Dan's taking her to the doctor on Monday. She told him she doesn't want a pill, she just wants to go, but I think they should consider it. Depression does horrible things to a body. My mother will take it as a sign of weakness because that's how she is. But Dan said he was going to talk to the doctor on Monday and see what he said. The not eating is because she keeps throwing up. I told Dan, it might be time to get hospice in there and they'll see that she's taken care of properly. She's been throwing up for three weeks and no one has taken her to the doctor. I was quite angry about that. He said it would all be taken care of this week. So, God willing, she'll be just fine. I thought it sounded just like depression. Believe me, I recognize the symptoms. Thank you for the hugs. As I said to T, mom could linger on for months or years. So, I'm not signing off on her yet.
Dec. 8th, 2013 01:17 pm (UTC)
I'll keep you all in my thoughts, Patt. It's difficult, and I don't blame you for being angry no one brought her to the doctor when she started throwing up. I have to agree, it does sound like depression, but if she's decided she wants to go, you're a great daughter not to go for extraordinary measures.

Hang in there, Patt. *hugs*
Dec. 8th, 2013 01:22 pm (UTC)
Thank you, Tinn. Just talked to my other brother in Texas and he said when he was down there in November he thought mom had a stroke. But she was fine the next day so he figured he was wrong. And I told him, you have to take her to a doc to see if she's right as rain or not. They'll get it all figured out and then I'll go down, but not right now. I think she needs to be on meds to help her feel better for awhile.
Dec. 8th, 2013 03:10 pm (UTC)
(((hug))) Bless you, Patt.

Both times, my parents looked at me and said, "I'm tired."

And they left. I think by this age they are tired and know when it is time for a change.

And at the risk of sounding crazy, I will say I seriously believe they do not leave you! Whether through dreams, the actions of others or yourself, even music, I know they are here.

Dec. 8th, 2013 07:49 pm (UTC)
Oh yes, I couldn't agree more. I feel my dad around me all the time. I think that's why I miss him a lot, because I wish he was still here physically. But, it is life and they have to leave when their time is up. I hope my mom doesn't suffer or anything like that.
Dec. 8th, 2013 03:30 pm (UTC)
Oh, Patt. I know it can happen that way sometimes especially when the couple have been together a long time and had a happy and fulfilling life together. Christmas is always a time when we reflect and think about lost ones so maybe she's a little lost in remembrance and feeling low, the first one is always the hardest.

Dec. 8th, 2013 07:50 pm (UTC)
It could be. We'll see what the doctor says on Monday. Either way, I'm ready for whatever happens.
Dec. 8th, 2013 05:10 pm (UTC)

Massive hugs, love. It's so tough when you're not on the spot to get a feel for what's going on yourself, but you can't split yourself in two... hopefully your brother can get her to a doctor and get her sorted out a bit. It sounds like she's feeling depressed and sad and maybe running out of steam, bless her. Hugs and love and positive thoughts coming your way ♥

Dec. 8th, 2013 07:51 pm (UTC)
Thank you, SB. I really feel like she's ready to go, but maybe anti-depessants would help a lot. We'll see what happens on Monday.
Dec. 8th, 2013 05:19 pm (UTC)
Oh, so sorry to hear this! *hugs* I know that there will be good aspects and bad no matter how it works out, so one has to focus on the good and roll with the bad and help out as you can. Which I know you will do, because that's the kind of person you are. I do feel sad that the universe is out to make sure you have a very odd relationship with the month of December...
Dec. 8th, 2013 07:53 pm (UTC)
The fifth of this month was the six month anniversary of dad's death and Dan said mom sort of went down hill after that. We'll see what the doctor says.
Dec. 8th, 2013 05:43 pm (UTC)
{{{hugs}}} I'm so sorry. I am glad Dan is taking her to the doctor, though. She could be ill or she could be ready for Hospice. When people get to a certain stage, they can sometimes know when it's time to go. But then sometimes it's depression and the fact that she's throwing up, that could screw up her body chemistry enough that she'd be depressed, too.

It's hard in these situations to know what to do. You want to go with your gut and your heart on this one.
Dec. 8th, 2013 08:01 pm (UTC)
Thank you for the hugs. I'm hoping the doctor says it's something easy and can be worked on. But mom might be tired, in which case, I'll accept that too.
Dec. 8th, 2013 06:37 pm (UTC)
It's always so hard to deal with when the people we love have troubles. I hope that things are sorted out, and that your mother and you and the rest of the family have some sort of comfort.
Dec. 8th, 2013 08:02 pm (UTC)
As I told my brother and he agreed, she might last for months. Just because she said she's ready doesn't mean she is. I'll deal with it as it comes. Thank you for your suppport.
Dec. 8th, 2013 10:09 pm (UTC)
I'm so sorry, Patt. It must be so hard on all of you seeing her like that.

{{{hugs}}} I hope everything goes as well as it can.
Dec. 9th, 2013 07:32 pm (UTC)
Thank you, DB. I don't know what I would do without my flist.
(Deleted comment)
Dec. 9th, 2013 07:34 pm (UTC)
I talked to her yesterday and she said, she hadn't seen her parents in a very long while and she missed them. Then she said she was looking forward to seeing her brother and sister that died years ago because she misses them too. I never thought about that, but maybe she really does want to go be with them. She asked me to understand. I told her I did.
( 28 comments — Leave a comment )

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