“I don’t know how I feel about this. I thought we were going to have fun tonight,” Blair said, “I didn’t know we were going to have a discourse on the sexual ethics of the gay community.”
“We were concerned about a friend. I thought he was your friend too,” Joel said, wisely.
“You know what I think?” Connor interjected.
Blair just glared at her and said, “I’m sure you’ll tell us.”
Connor laughed. “I think that anyone that stays with someone for two months is going to feel something for the other person and if someone asked him about it, maybe he felt like he had to lie. Maybe he thought that’s how life worked. Maybe he didn’t know that he might love Jim too. Maybe he still doesn’t know how he feels.”
Blair said, “Maybe you’re right.”
Rafe laughed really loudly and said, “She’s not right. The guy just didn’t love him. I don’t know why Jim thought he would. Jim is a sucker if he fell in love with a gay dude, because I’m telling you, they don’t love anyone but who they are going to fuck next.”
“How do you know this?” Joel asked, angry once more.
“I have a brother who is gay and he’s an idiot. He keeps falling for someone and they keep dumping him because they don’t want love. They just want a hole to fill.”
Everyone moaned at Rafe’s comment.
Brown said, “Is anyone else as surprised as me that Jim likes guys?”
Connor answered, “He just liked one guy. Not guys. It wasn’t his fault that it was the wrong one to fall in love with. He’ll probably never try it again. Ellison doesn’t remind me of a person that can take too much rejection. He’ll probably go back to dating women, although there is still rejection with them too.”
Blair had enough, “You know what? I’m going to go home. I’m more tired than I realized.” He stood up and so did Connor. “What are you doing, Connor?”
“I’m the designated driver. I’m driving,” she answered.
“I only had one drink, Connor, I think I’m fine.”
“Shut up and get in my car,” Connor ordered.
Joel laughed. “Better do what she says, son. She’s got a temper.”
Blair said his goodbyes and walked out to the parking lot and got into Connor’s car.
They were driving and Blair asked, “Is that what you think I did to Jim?”
“What?” Connor asked.
“Treated him like he was just some hole?” Blair asked.
“Yes and he thinks that too. But it doesn’t matter. It’s over and done with. Jim will come around. You’ll both get over everything and things will be back to normal.”
“He won’t let me kiss him anymore,” Blair said, sadly.
“Would you kiss someone that broke up with you?”
“I just didn’t think that he meant we could never do the deed again,” Blair said, softly.
“I guess he felt differently,” Connor answered gently.
“Do you think he was in love with me?”
“Duh. Do you really think I need to answer you on that one, Sandy?”
“Do you think we’ll be able to be best friends anymore?” Blair asked.
“Probably not. Every time he looks at you, he’s going to remember that you don’t love him. He might even find it embarrassing.”
“This sucks, Connor. I fucked up the best friendship in the world, just so I could have great sex for two months. Rafe is right.”
“You didn’t feel anything for him at all, then, I would take it?”
“Happiness. I loved being with him. We had an open relationship, but he kept me so satisfied that I never thought about going elsewhere,” Blair admitted.
“Did you ever discuss the open relationship? Did he know you weren’t exclusive?” Connor asked, simply.
“We didn’t discuss it, I just took it for granted that we were in an open relationship since it was new to us both and I would guess he assumed the opposite. Now, I wish we had discussed it.”
“Sandy, he’s in love with you, he never would have brought it up because he believed you loved him too. I’m glad that you didn’t lie to him and just tell him you loved him so that you could get what you wanted. I have to give you credit for being truthful at least.”
“Thanks, I guess. But now, I not only have no sex partner, but no best friend….. He did tell me that I could stay in my old room.”
“Sandy, that’s probably not a good idea. He’s going to be in pain every time he sees you. He loves you and now he knows you don’t love him. I’m talking big time pain.”
“I not only lost the sex, I lost my best friend and now you tell me I need to move?” Blair asked, sadly.
“It’s time, Sandy. Jim needs to heal and he can’t do it looking at you every day.”
“But I’m his Guide. He has to look at me every day,” Blair explained.
“Maybe you could show me the ropes and I could Guide him. What do you think?” Connor asked.
“Basically, I lose everything?”
“Life sucks,” Blair stated.
“Yes, real life does suck.”
Connor pulled into the loft parking lot and stopped the car. Blair got out and said, “Thanks for the ride. I’ll talk to you tomorrow or something.”
“Night, Sandy. Try and get some sleep.” She waited for him to get inside the building and then drove off. As she drove she wondered if they would talk things out and discuss things like mature people do. She wished them the best and hoped that their future wasn’t etched in stone already.
Jim was sitting on the sofa watching M.A.S.H. He looked up when Blair walked in. “I didn’t hear your car.”
“I had a drink at the bar and ‘designated driver’, Connor, wouldn’t let me drive. I was fine, but she wouldn’t listen.”
“Did you have a good time?” Jim asked, politely.
“Not really. Listen, I wonder if I could talk to you for a few minutes,” Blair said quickly.
“Sure, what’s up?” Jim said trying to sound like the friend he used to be.
“Connor pointed out that I’ve been taking advantage of you. She thinks I should look for a new place to live. Do you agree?”
“If you don’t want to live here, that’s fine with me.”
“Jim, would you feel better if I didn’t live here anymore?”
“Honestly, I think so.” Jim spoke quickly as to not lose control of himself or the situation. His stony face giving nothing away. “I’m having a hard time, Blair.”
“Connor was right. She thought you were too. She also said that she would consider being your Guide from here on in,” Blair said.
“I don’t think that’s necessary, do you?” Jim asked fearfully, hoping he wasn’t going to lose everything.
“I could still be your Guide?” Blair asked hopefully.
“Why don’t we wait a month and see how we’re both doing? Then we can discuss whatever comes up,” Jim suggested.
“Do you still want me to move out?” Blair asked.
“I think moving out might be a good idea, but we don’t need to talk about getting a new Guide at all,” Jim stated as calmly as he could.
“Understood,” Blair answered.
“Is there anything else you want to discuss with me?” Jim wondered.
“No. I’m going to bed. See you in the morning.”
Blair got ready for bed in the bathroom and then climbed into his cold bed and, not for the first time, wondered when things had gone to hell.
Jim woke up at 3:00 a.m and listened to the noises in the loft. There it was-a sniffle and a shaky breath following close behind. Blair was upset about something. Jim didn’t know if he should go down or not. He felt that he should, as his friend, but what if it had to do with breaking up? Then he shouldn’t be down there. Jim was still trying to figure out what to do, when Blair began to weep. As he listened further, the weeping intensified.
Jim jumped out of bed, pulled his sweats on and walked down the stairs as quickly as he could. He opened Blair’s door and went to his side immediately. Jim sat on the edge of the futon. “Blair? What’s wrong?”
“I don’t want Connor to be your new Guide.”
“I told you that I don’t need a new Guide,” Jim assured him.
“I want you to still like me. You’re not my friend anymore and I can’t stand the thought of losing you as a friend,” Blair whispered.
“Blair. We’re still friends. I still like you. Okay? Don’t worry about it.”
“C’mon, Jim, you don’t need to lie. You don’t like me anymore. I can feel it.”
“Then you’re not feeling correctly, because I like you as a person very much.”
“Do you promise you’re not just humoring me, Jim?”
“Oh God, I fucked up so bad. I don’t want to move. I know I should, but I don’t want to leave the place I call home.”
“Then stay here. This is your home, Blair. It always will be.”
“God, Jim, you’re such a good man and I was so thoughtless when it came to you.”
Blair had finally stopped crying and Jim felt like he could leave the room soon. “Chief, do you feel like you’re okay now?”
“Yes. I’m better now. Thanks, Jim.”
“I’m going to go back to bed and try and get some sleep. See you in the morning.”
Blair held Jim’s hand for a moment and Blair felt Jim shaking. “Why are you shaking, Jim?”
“I have no idea,” the somber man answered.
“Oh God, you’re upset. I’m only thinking of me again. I’m so sorry, Jim. I have fucked up in so many ways it isn’t even funny.” Blair continued to hold Jim’s hand and Jim tried to pull away a couple of times, but Blair didn’t let him.
“Blair, I think it’s a good idea if we both get some rest now.”
“I’m here for you too, Jim. Talk to me.”
“Talk to you about what?” Jim asked.
“What’s bothering you? Right this moment?”
“I can’t believe you’re hurting and I can’t hold you in my arms anymore,” Jim confessed.
“You can hold me. Friends hold on to each other sometimes.”
“It wouldn’t be as a friend, Chief. I’m sorry. Now I need to go to bed.”
Blair still had a hold of Jim’s hand. “Tell me what you liked most about being with me.”
“Why? It’s not like it’ll make anything better. In fact, it might make things worse. I say we both get some sleep and be done with it.”
“Tell me what you liked most about being with me,” Blair insisted.
Jim thought about it for a moment and wondered how much he could say to Blair. How much was enough and how did he know if he was pushing it too far? Do I really want to be hurt again? Do I have the strength to pull through this on my own? I might as well tell him what I thought about him, what more could happen?
“I liked when you held me close afterwards and would kiss my cheek and neck. I felt loved and needed from that simple thing. It gave me hope that we would be able to tackle just about anything. You gave me strength when I needed it and took over when I felt weak.”
Blair held Jim’s hand just a little tighter. “Jim, why didn’t you tell me that you felt this way with me?”
“Would it have made a difference?” Jim wondered softly.
“It might have, I’m not sure. Maybe if we had talked about things more, we wouldn’t be in the place we are now.”
“Blair, I wanted to tell you how much I loved you from the start. I’ve been in love with you since we met. I held back because I’ve done this before and was dumped immediately. A lot of guys don’t get into the love factor. I was afraid and didn’t want to lose you. So I stayed quiet about it.”
“I didn’t think two guys ever got into what you call the love factor, so I would have been confused if you’d told me you loved me. No one has ever said they really loved me. I’m not sure I would have known what to do with it. How much did you love me?”
“I still love you. I love you so much that I was willing to give you up to make things better for us. I don’t want to lose you as a friend, you’re my best friend. I didn’t want you to move, because this is your home, too. I do not and will not take a new Guide. You’ll be my Guide until the day one of us dies.”
Blair pulled Jim onto the futon with him and Jim said, “No.”
“Hush, I want to talk to you.”
“What?” Jim asked, hopefully.
“I think I might be in love with you. I’ve never had such pain with a break-up in my life. I miss you all the time. I long for your touch and your voice. At first, I thought it made me weak, but now I see I’m just in love. Jim, I don’t think I have ever truly been in love before. Hell, I didn’t know what to do with it. I didn’t even know we were exclusive, but yet, I slept with no one else. I tried to tell myself the reason for that was the fact that you just kept me too satisfied. But now I realize it was because I didn’t want to be with anyone else. I didn’t want to talk to just anyone. I didn’t want to be held by just anyone and I certainly didn’t want to be made love to by just anyone. As I said before, I think I’m in love. What do you think?”
Jim smiled at Blair for the first time in days. He pulled Blair into a tight hug and said, “I’m glad to hear this. I love you, too.”
“I know you do. But this time, we’re having a talk. I want to be exclusive. Do you mind?” Blair asked.
“Exclusive works better for me than anything.”
“I’d sort of like to be out, what do you think of that?” Blair asked.
“I think that our friends and relatives should know about us. That might have been part of the problem. We acted like it was some dirty secret or something. I’m fine with being out, Blair.”
“Will you let me go every time I make you angry?”
“No, I’m going to hold on to you forever, Chief.”
“I promise to never leave you and to stay with you even when you make me insane. How does that sound?” Jim asked.
Blair kissed Jim and hugged him close. “I adore you and I never want to be without you again.”
“But if something did happen, Blair, we have to know that we’ll still be friends.”
“Please don’t let anything ever happen,” Blair pleaded.
“I’ll try,” Jim agreed.
“Can I sleep in your bed tonight?” Blair asked.
“Our bed, Chief. Everything is ours now.”
They got off of the futon and walked upstairs, holding hands. Blair lay down on the bed and asked, “How do you think Simon will take it?”
“We’re going to tell everyone on Poker night. So if they don’t like it, they can leave, how does that sound?” Jim asked.
“I know that Connor will take it well, because she already knows and hated my guts for hurting you. She might call you Jimbo to irritate you, but you’re one of her best mates.”
“I love Connor as a good, good friend. I think she, Simon, Joel and Henri will all take it well and say good things. But I think that Rafe will have a problem. He’s got a brother who is gay and he thinks he’s weak. So chances are, he’s going to see that in us too,” Jim said.
“Are we being totally truthful here?” Blair asked.
Jim turned on his side and put his arm under his head to watch his lover. “What do you think?”
“I better tell you that I said some horrible things tonight at the pub. I was an insecure asshole and agreed with things that Rafe said.”
“Oh for crying out loud, Chief, you should have known better then to agree with anything he said. Now he’s going to think he has something on both of us. Rafe’s a dick. There is no better word for him. He might even give us trouble,” Jim said.
“Jim, I would like to tell all of our friends, myself. In private, of course.”
“Whatever works for you, works for me, now I have a question for you,” Jim said.
“Shoot, big guy,” Blair said smiling back at his lover.
“In the two months we’ve been together, you have never asked to fuck me. I just wondered if there was something bothering you about it, or what. Does the idea not appeal to you?”
“You would let me fuck you?”
Jim smiled and said, “Did you think I thought I was special or something?”
“I just thought you were a top and I didn’t want to bring it up.”
Jim moved closer to Blair and whispered, “So would you like to try it tonight?”
“Jim, normally I would say, hell yes, but I’m still upset and I’d rather just lie in your arms until we fall asleep. What do you think of that?”
Jim put his arm around Blair and said, “That sounds like heaven. Let me get us covered up and then we’ll get a couple of hours sleep before it’s time to get up.”
Jim kissed Blair and said, “Goodnight, Blair, I love you.”
Blair kissed Jim back and said, “And I love you.”
Before long Jim could tell Blair was falling asleep and he was so grateful to have Blair in his arms for another night. If things worked out, he’d be there forever. If they didn’t, then Jim would have to take it one day at a time. At least he knew there would be no more lies.
A sleepy Blair kissed Jim’s neck and said, “You can sleep restfully, Jim. I’m not going anywhere.”
Within moments Jim was asleep and Blair was smiling into his neck this time. He snuggled a little closer and then he followed Jim into sleep.
When Blair woke up the next morning, he was instantly hard knowing what Jim was going to let him do. He rushed down the stairs to take care of some business before he woke Jim up.
As Blair got back into bed, Jim stirred and opened his eyes and looked into the bright blue eyes of a wide-awake Blair. “Anxious, much, Chief?”
“I can’t believe you’re going to let me have my wicked, wicked way with you this morning,” Blair said softly as he began to kiss Jim.
Jim pulled away from him and said, “I need to run to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”
Blair could only smile. He couldn’t help it. He had never been this excited. Blair was lying there on the bed, stroking his own cock waiting on Jim when the phone rang. Blair never wanted to cut a phone cord so much in his life. But instead, he did the only thing he could do. He picked it up and said, “Sandburg.”
Simon breathed a sigh of relief at catching them at the loft and said, “Sandburg, I need you and Jim to be in the office in ten minutes.”
“What happened?” Blair asked.
“The Commissioner’s grand-daughter was abducted this morning and the entire force is looking for her. But he asked for you and Jim, personally,” Simon stated.
“We’ll be in as soon as we both shower. I’m really sorry to hear this news,” Blair said honestly. He’d had his differences with the Commissioner, but he wouldn’t wish a child abduction to happen to any family.
“We’ll see you as soon as you can get here,” Simon said before he closed the line.
Blair sighed and got up for the morning. He walked down the stairs and went into his old room to get his clothes for the day. He needed to get them moved back upstairs, pronto. He walked out, stopped in front of the bathroom door and knocked.
Jim opened up the door, completely naked, wearing only a smile and a hard on and said, “Can I help you, Chief?”
“Yeah, tell that big boy to calm down. We have to hurry and get to the station. The Commissioner's grand-daughter was abducted this morning and we’ve been assigned the case,” Blair explained, giving Jim a once over before Jim started for the stairs.
“Chief, it’s only 7:40 in the morning, where was she abducted from?”
“Got me. We have to wait until we get to the station and be filled in on what’s going on. Sorry, Jim.”
“It couldn’t be helped, buddy. My ass will still belong to you later,” Jim teased.
Blair hurriedly took a shower and dressed since Jim was already upstairs getting ready to go. They then drove to the station house.