LJ User: pattrose
Word Count: 12,406
Summary: Jim thinks that he and Blair are in love. Blair doesn’t agree. Or at least he doesn’t think he does.
Artist: Flitterflutterandfly or better known to me as Flitter.
Beta: Kelly, Kerensa, Sheila and Lydia.
Warnings: Bad language, m/m, angst
Genre: Slash, established couple.
Authors Notes: I had this idea about a year ago and started writing it, but I just never finished it. It took the Big Bang to find the end, finally. Thank you to Lydia for not only being a cheerleader, but also a beta. She really knew how to shake those pom poms. A huge thank you to my other three betas, Kelly, Kerensa and Sheila. You are all the best and mean the world to me.
Author Notes 2: Thank you so much to Flitter for making my job so much more fun. I loved all three of the pieces of art you did. You’re the best. It was great working with you.
To the art
Link to Story: http://pattrose.livejournal.com/356068.html
As Jim walked towards the break room he heard Blair tell Connor, “Nah, I’m not in love with him. But he’s, you know, good where it counts.”
“Sandy, that’s a horrible thing to say. You know you love him.”
“It’s not like that with us. We’re guys. We don’t get all emotionally involved like chicks do,” Blair laughed.
Jim turned around and walked back to his desk. The problem with what Blair said was that he did love Blair. Jim guessed that meant he must be the chick of the relationship. They hadn’t said anything about it, but Jim had hoped to tell Blair soon, because he wanted him to know. Now he was glad he had overheard what was said in the break room so he didn’t make a complete fool of himself. He had done that once before in a relationship and it was not only heartbreaking but embarrassing. Jim didn’t want to experience that terrible ordeal again.
But at the same time Jim found himself very disappointed, because he’d thought he had a future with Blair. Now it seemed that Blair was just his fuck buddy.
Blair sauntered into the bullpen carrying coffee for Jim. “Here you go, man, I figured you might need some of this sludge.”
“No, thanks,” Jim answered, coldly.
Blair sat down at his desk and asked, “What’s wrong with you?”
“I don’t know. What’s wrong with me?” Jim mimicked.
“Jim? You’re not making any sense. What happened? Is it something with your senses?”
Jim looked at the concerned man across from him and realized that everything about them was a lie. Blair didn’t love Jim-he only cared about the Sentinel studies. Jim was suddenly very sure of this.
Jim got up, whispered, “It’s nothing to do with my senses. Not everything involves my senses.” Jim then walked over to Simon’s door and knocked.
“Come in, Ellison,” barked Simon.
“Sir, I’m not feeling too well, do you mind if I take off for the day?” Jim asked.
“Sure, take the kid and go home for the day. It’s slow today anyhow.”
“I’ll leave him here to do paper work. We’re a little behind on that. He can catch up while I rest,” Jim suggested.
“You’re mad at him about something, am I right?” Simon asked.
“You could say that,” Jim answered.
“Do I want to know about this?” Simon wondered.
“I don’t think so, sir.”
“Holy crap, that’s two sirs in one day. Get lost. I’ll put the kid to work and keep him out of your hair,” Simon said.
“Thank you,” Jim said as he walked out of the room.
Simon stood in his doorway and said, “Sandburg, my office, now.”
Blair started in there but not before he saw Jim get on the elevator carrying his jacket. What the fuck did I miss?
“Hey Simon, what’s going on with Jim?” Blair asked as he walked into Simon’s office smiling.
“He wants to be alone, kid. Now, I’d like you to try and catch up on some of the paperwork that sitting on Jim’s desk. Are you up for it?” Simon asked.
“Of course I’m up for it, Simon. Paperwork is a breeze for me. What’s wrong with Jim?” Blair inquired.
“Hell if I know, but I know someone that needs to worry less about Jim and more about paperwork.”
Simon opened his door and Blair walked out, looking very confused.
Jim walked down to the garage in the station and dejectedly got into his truck. On one hand he felt bad for leaving Blair without saying a word, but on the other hand he felt that it was best left unsaid. Jim realized that might have been part of the big problem. He knew that a portion of it was his fault, but a lot of it was Blair not being in love with him. Jim wasn’t sure how to handle that. He adored the man, yet Blair didn’t feel anything for Jim? This left Jim depressed and in despair.
Back in the bullpen, Connor walked up to Blair and said, “What’s going on, Sandy? Where is Jimbo?”
“You’ve got me. He left without a word to me. He told Simon he didn’t feel well and left me to do the paperwork. That’s about typical, isn’t it?” Blair asked, quite disgusted with Jim at the moment.
“What if he heard what you said in the break room, Sandy?” Connor whispered.
“So? He’s a guy, Connor. He would be the first to agree with me. We don’t let all of that drama get into our lives. I’ve been with him for two months and I don’t have to worry about telling him where I am or who I’m with. It’s great. It’s like a totally open relationship. Did it ever occur to you that it might be the job? Not everything is about us.”
Blair sat down and started working on some of the paperwork and Connor just glared at him. She sat down next to him and whispered, “You’re not exclusive?”
“No, we haven’t even discussed that. That’s why it’s great to be with a guy. We don’t worry about that shit,” Blair said quietly.
“I think one of you is a grommer and the other one is in shock right now. I feel so bad for him. I never thought I would say this, but you’re a drongo,” Connor said, loudly and stormed off.
Rafe started laughing and said, “Wow, she usually reserves that name for me or Henri. What did you do, Hairboy?”
“I was just being one of the guys. She took offense to that, I guess. Women-you can never understand them,” Blair muttered as he continued to work on the pile of papers on Jim’s desk.
Rafe and Henri talked about how great it was to be a guy for about an hour, while Blair tried to figure out what was wrong with Jim.
Blair began to wonder if there was something wrong with his senses and he hadn’t wanted to share it with him. But that would make no sense-Blair being the Guide and all. Maybe it was something happening at work. Blair would have to ask him. He no sooner was thinking about calling Jim when the phone rang.
“Sandburg,” he said quickly.
“Sandburg, I’m going to be gone for a few days, so I was wondering if you could please find another place to live while I’m gone,” Jim said as casually as his broken heart allowed.
“What the hell are you talking about? Where are you going?” Blair asked.
“It doesn’t matter, just be gone when I get back. I’m going to be back in three days, so please don’t make a scene. I found someone that is special and I want to share my life with her.”
“Jim, you know that’s not what’s going on. Why aren’t you sharing your problems with me?” Blair stated loudly. Instead of answering, Jim hung up. Blair looked at the phone for a moment then, realizing that everyone in the bullpen was staring at him, he, too, hung the phone up, walked over to Simon’s office and knocked.
“Come in, Sandburg,” Simon barked.
“Simon, did Jim just call you and ask for time off?” Blair asked.
“As a matter of fact, he did. He’s taking three days. He didn’t sound really happy with you, so I’d stay clear of him for the next few days,” Simon suggested.
“Hell, I’m going to be clear. He wants me to move out! It’s been four years and he wants me to leave! Do you believe it?”
“It’s probably time, then, Sandburg.”
Blair opened up his mouth, ready to say something smart, but decided to shut it instead. “Yeah, you’re probably right. I’m going to take off and try and find a place to live.”
“There’s an apartment in the building down the street from where I live. Daryl was going to look into it, but it was too much money with him starting college,” Simon stated.
“I’ll come by and look at the place. I can’t afford much either. One nice thing about the loft, it was cheap.”
“It’s time, Sandburg. Move on, so Jim can move on too,” Simon said gently as he walked Blair to the door.
Blair went and cleaned up the mess he had made on Jim’s desk and then got everything put into his backpack and prepared to leave for the day.
Connor walked by and said, “Trouble in paradise?”
“Oh fuck off, Connor,” Blair growled.
“You fuck off. You screwed up. Stop blaming everyone else but yourself. You’re an ass, a selfish ass at that,” Connor said before she walked away from him.
He didn’t bother to argue with her. He was afraid that she might be right, although he was far from sure just what he had done.
On the way home, he had plenty of time to think about things while stuck in traffic. He thought about that wild night two months before and smiled at the thought of Jim taking him up to his big bed for the first time. He remembered that both of them were nervous, but yet excited as all get out. There really had been no discussion at all about if they would see anyone else or if they were exclusive. Blair hadn’t thought they were that serious, but now he wondered about it and needed to put some deep thought into it.
Jim had never said anything after they were done messing around, so what was Blair to think? Jim actually didn’t seem that into Blair other than in bed, so why now was Jim suddenly acting as if his virtue had been assaulted? In fact, at first, Blair had thought it might just be a one night thing. He was surprised when Jim asked him to go up to his bed for the next two months. Little by little, Blair had moved a few of his things up to Jim’s room. Jim didn’t seem to mind, but again, didn’t say anything about it, so Blair really didn’t think they were all that permanent.
The traffic started flowing and Blair listened to the music on the radio instead of thinking. Thinking was troubling sometimes and he wasn’t in the mood for it. The music eased his worried mind and helped distract him from his doubts about Jim.
That night, as Blair was going through the newspaper trying to find something affordable, Jim walked into the loft.
“I thought you were staying away for three days?” Blair asked.
“I am. I needed some more clothes. Any luck with an apartment?” Jim asked.
“No…It’s impossible to find something on my budget. Jim, can’t we just take things back to the way they were? I’ll stay in the small room and pay you rent that I can afford,” Blair pleaded.
Jim looked at Blair and had to stop and think for a moment. Would he be doing the right thing in letting Blair stay in the small room or would it be only to have his Guide close by? He didn’t want to appear too needy, but at the same time, he really felt as if he was. Would this win Blair’s love? It was all something Jim needed to think about, but he knew he didn’t have the time to work it out right then. Jim decided that he would settle for having his Guide close to him for the time being.
“Fine, move everything back into your old room and I don’t want anything said about how small it is in there,” Jim agreed.
“Thank you, man.” Blair let out a loud sigh, that he was holding and started carrying everything down from Jim’s room, to his own room. He was reluctant to leave the big bed behind. But he knew better then to say anything. He noticed that Jim was watching television and not leaving. He was heartened. Blair liked hanging out with Jim. What was not to like about Jim Ellison? He looked like a model, he was the best friend in the world and Blair couldn’t help but think about one day getting back into that large bed.
Once he was done, he joined Jim on the sofa and slid closer, put his arm around Jim’s shoulders and pulled him in for a kiss. Jim jerked back from him and asked, “What the fuck are you doing?”
“I felt like kissing you, is that a problem?” Blair asked huskily.
Jim frowned and then just looked confused. “Chief, I asked you to move out of my room, because I don’t want you in my bed anymore.”
“You’re joking, right? We love fucking around. We both do it so well.” Blair winked, as if that would help.
“Well, I want more of an attachment than you’re willing to give,” Jim said suddenly deciding on honesty.
This time, Blair pulled away from Jim. “You did hear me say that about guys today. What’s the deal Jim? You were fine fucking my ass every night for the last two months and now you don’t want to anymore?”
“Blair,” Jim sighed, “I want more from a relationship than just fucking someone’s ass.”
“Oh. My. God. You’ve turned into a woman.”
“Fuck you, Sandburg,” Jim growled, loudly.
“No, fuck you, Ellison.” Blair stormed off into his little room and slammed the door shut.
How dare Jim pull this crap after two months of bliss? Everything had been perfect! No one had to say they loved anyone! No one had to say they weren’t going to date anyone else! Perfect!
Then why did Blair suddenly feel like shit and want to yell at someone?
Once again, Jim wondered why he was putting up with Blair and his attitude. Could it be that he hoped that Blair would come around to his way of thinking? Of was Jim just lonely enough to allow Blair to walk all over him?
The following morning, Blair was making toast and coffee and Jim came down the stairs, still wearing his robe.
“Why aren’t you ready for work?” Blair asked.
“I have three days off. See you tonight,” Jim said as he walked into the bathroom and started to strip for a shower.
Blair stood there with a hard on from just seeing Jim with his hair tousled and needing a shave. Jim was a total turn-on all the time. Why did Jim have to go and ruin everything? He was so tempted to bust into the bathroom and yell at Jim, just so he could see his naked body once again, but he knew it wouldn’t work. Jim was being a hard ass.
Blair got his things and left for the University. He would stop by the bullpen for a couple of hours that night to finish off some paperwork.
That afternoon, Blair was sitting at Jim’s desk working on reports when Brown walked up and said, “Hey Hairboy, how are you doing?”
“Dandy,” Blair grunted.
“We hate paperwork too. How would you like to go out for a drink with me, Rafe and Connor after work? Joel might come too,” Henri asked.
Blair brightened up at the offer. “Yeah, I would like to. Thanks. When are we going?”
“In about five minutes. Is it still good for you?” Brown asked.
“I’ll be ready,” Blair answered and started cleaning up Jim’s desk. Just because Jim was being a butthead didn’t mean that Blair couldn’t go out and have a good time.
Joel, Henri, Rafe, Connor and Blair all sat at a table at O’Malley’s Pub and ordered their first set of drinks. Connor was the designated driver, so she was having soda.
Blair ordered a beer with a B52 chaser.
Henri smiled and said, “The beer doesn’t work fast enough?”
“I just feel like getting drunk, Henri. Do you have a problem with that?”
“No, but you will tomorrow.”
They all laughed, but Blair. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. Blair wanted to get laid and doing that with work friends wouldn’t work out so well.
The waitress brought back the drinks and Blair asked for her phone number. She gave it to him and smiled.
“Wow, I must be totally out of it. I thought maybe you and Jim were an item,” Joel teased. Joel had thought they looked like couple material on more than one occasion, but he guessed he was wrong about that. It wouldn’t be the first time.
“Nope, not us,” Blair answered.
Connor just sat across the table and glared at Blair. Blair glared right back at her. He figured two could play at that game. Nothing was going to ruin his night of getting a number in five minutes.
“I wonder how Ellison is today,” Connor said.
“Simon told me he was pretty sick and needed three days off. Blair, why aren’t you home checking on him?” Joel knew that they were good enough friends for at least that much courtesy.
“Jim’s a big boy-he knows how to take care of himself, Joel.”
“All right, what’s going on with you and Jim?” Joel asked.
“Nothing, absolutely nothing,” Blair replied.
Rafe said, “Jim didn’t seem that sick when he went home yesterday. I wonder what’s wrong.”
“Oh yes, I wonder,” Connor said very sarcastically.
Everyone looked at her. “Okay, Connor, spill the beans. What’s wrong with Jim?”
“All I know is he was dating someone who fucked with his head. I think he’s having a hard time coming around,” Connor said.
“Who was he dating? I’d like to give her a piece of my mind. Jim is a good dude,” Brown said.
Blair said, “It’s none of our business who he was dating, am I right?”
Joel looked thoughtful for a moment and said, “Normally I would say it’s none of anyone’s business, but we’re talking about a good friend here.”
Connor said, “He mentioned something about being in love, but the ‘object of his affection’ just thought he was good in bed. That must have hurt.” She couldn’t help but give a cold stare in Blair’s direction.
“Wow, I can’t believe anyone would get that impression from Jim. He seems more serious than that,” Joel said.
“Hey, if you want to just fuck around and enjoy it, there is nothing wrong with that,” Rafe said.
“I agree with Rafe,” Blair said quickly.
This evening wasn’t turning into the evening he thought it would be. He hoped they moved on and got onto another subject soon.
“Some day, you both might find someone nice and want to settle down. What if they had that same feeling about you?” Joel asked.
Before either of them could answer, Connor said, “Yeah, I agree with Joel. I hope that Jim finds someone that can love him like a normal person should.”
Rafe was getting angry. “Hey, you don’t have to be in love to fuck.”
Blair smiled. “I couldn’t agree with you more.”
Joel looked totally disgusted and said, “Well, I imagine that’s true. But right now, Jim is trying to get over loving someone that didn’t love him back. He probably feels like he was used for sex the entire time. That couldn’t be a good feeling.”
Rafe said, “Joel, you’re old. Old people think you have to be in love to fuck. Young people like me and Sandburg know that you can fuck anyone without loving them, right Sandburg?”
“Sandy, you do realize you’re agreeing with the pig, don’t you?” Connor asked.
“Hey, who are you calling a pig?” Rafe asked, laughing.
“Well, for a change he’s right. You don’t have to be in love to sleep with someone,” Blair added.
“Okay, then let me ask all of you this. Let’s say you’ve been seeing the same person for two months, wouldn’t you think the other person would think it might be serious?” Connor asked.
“Two months? I would think that was very serious,” Joel agreed.
Brown said, “I think that he had every right to think it was serious. I can’t believe he was dating someone for two months and she just dumped him.”
“Who said anyone dumped him?” Blair asked.
“Well, if he’s sick and depressed, he must have gotten dumped,” Joel said.
“Maybe he did the dumping, did you ever think about that?” Blair snapped.
Connor almost laughed at how pissed off Sandy was getting and said, “Maybe when Jim found out how the other person felt he dumped him.”
“Him?” Joel asked, astonished.
“Yeah, what Joel said,” Brown said, with a twinkle in his eyes.
Rafe looked stunned and said, “I can’t believe Jim Ellison would date a dude. No wonder the guy he was dating was cold. Gay dudes don’t feel anything. Why would Jim think it would be any different?”
Blair just sat there with his mouth open. He was shocked at Rafe’s remark. Yet, isn’t that how he had made Jim feel? Maybe he felt the same way Rafe did, God forbid.
Joel said, “I know many gay men and they love just like we do. So that was a horrible thing to say.”
Rafe huffed, “The ones I know, are only in it for the sex. They might date a guy for two months but only because it was easier then finding another hole.”
Connor was shocked. “A hole? You are an insensitive asshole is what you are. I know quite a few gay men and they don’t feel this way at all.”
Blair was very quiet for a change and Connor noticed.
Brown said, “Rafe, I think you’re an idiot.”
“Hey, I’m just calling things like they really are. I’m being truthful here.”
“Sandy, do you still agree with Rafe on his opinion?” Connor needed to know why he had shut up.