You Know You’re Gay When… Part 2
Conner clapped her hands and shouted, “Sit down so we can get started. We’ve got a busy night planned. Tonight is the second half of You Know You’re Gay When…”
“Oh goody.” Simon grumbled.
“Don’t even start, Simon.” Sully ordered and got a laugh from everyone.
“Here we go, ready or not.”
Conner: You are, hands down, your nephew's and niece's favorite uncle.
Blair: This is sooooo true.
Jim: It is.
Rafe: We can’t all be the favorite uncle.
Brown: Okay, I’ll be the favorite uncle and you’ll be the substitutes. I’ll call on you if the need arises.
Jim: I’m not a substitute.
Blair: He’s not.
Rafe: I’m not either. Henri, we are all the favorite uncles.
Simon: You’re all so full of shit.
Dan: They truly believe that just because they’re gay, they’re the favorite uncles, when Simon, Joel and I know we’re the favorites.
Sully: How do you know you are?
Joel: We pay the kids to say it. (Everyone breaks out in laughter.)
Simon: We could move on to the next one, Conner.
Conner: You get to choose your family.
Jim: I don’t think you have to be gay for that. Look at all of us. We are the best family around.
Blair: I agree with Jim on this, 100%.
Joel: I think we make a pretty nice family too.
Rafe: So this saying really isn’t about gays at all, do you think, Henri?
Brown: No, I don’t believe so.
Sully: I love this family. I’m so glad we’re all together.
Simon: I am too.
Sam: Have you ever thought about what our lives would be like if Megan hadn’t gotten us all together for this survey business?
Dan: I think we would all still be alone and sad.
Jim: Thank you, Conner. It was your idea and you brought us all together. We’re all thrilled.
Conner: (Eyes tearing up.) You are most welcome. I love all of you and am glad you’re my friends.
Conner: You can smile to let someone know you can't stand them.
Jim: Hey, guys? I don’t think we’re very good gays.
Blair: Jim, you do this all the time.
Jim: I do?
Blair: Yes, you do.
Rafe: I do it too, but Henri doesn’t. He doesn’t smile unless he means it.
Brown: That’s true. Sandburg, do you do it?
Blair: I smile at everyone almost all the time, but if I want to be a bitch about something, I can be.
Jim: He can.
Simon: This one is boring, Conner.
Sully: We just started, Simon. Give her some time.
Sam: I think it’s interesting.
Dan: I do too.
Joel: I sometimes smile at people I dislike and they know I don’t mean it well. So does that make me gay? (Laughing)
Simon: Let’s not even get started. Time to move, Conner.
Conner: You wouldn't be caught dead in Hooters.
Blair: Hey, I was at Hooters the other day with Simon and Joel.
Conner: You went to Hooters?
Joel: It was Simon’s idea. We brought Blair along to see that we stayed in line.
Conner: I’m going to show you a line, in the spare bedroom. (Glaring.)
Simon: Way to go, Sandburg.
Sully: I can’t believe you went to Hooters. You know how I feel about the way they treat the waitresses. And do you think they could give them a whole shirt to wear? Not.
Sam: Well, Sully, I think if they gave them an entire shirt to wear, it would defeat the purpose. Guys like to look. Would you stare, Dan?
Dan: Nope. I’ve got all the hooters I need at home.
Sam: You are going to get so lucky.
Dan: I already am.
Jim: He’s so cute, isn’t he, Sam?
Rafe: So Ellison, how do you feel about Sandburg going to Hooters?
Jim: Well, I guess if that’s what he wants to stare at, I’m in big trouble. But I see him staring at other things, so I guess Hooters wasn’t his cup of tea.
Blair: You got it, Big Man. (Kisses Jim.)
Brown: I think Hooters has the best Chicken wings in town. I could care less about the waitresses.
Simon: Likely story.
Rafe: He doesn’t care. Leave him be.
Brown: Thanks, Bri. (Kisses Rafe.)
Simon: I think we could move along.
Conner: You're good pals with women other people can't stand.
Jim: I don’t understand this one. I’m pals with Sully, Sam and Megan. Everyone loves them.
Blair: I’m not sure what it means either.
Simon: Maybe this is just a stupid one and we could pass it by.
Conner: You've always got an opinion, and don't mind sharing it.
Jim: This screams Simon.
Simon: It does not. The next thing I know is there will be a rumor about me being gay.
Jim: I didn’t say you were gay, I just said you’re opinionated.
Blair: Hear, hear.
Sully: You do like to give everyone your thoughts, honey.
Simon: Is this pick on Simon night?
Sully: Yes, when they invited me they told me, don’t forget that it’s pick on Simon night.
Dan: Simon, we all have our own opinions. Sometimes you just stress yours more strongly.
Rafe: I couldn’t agree more.
Brown: It’s not that we don’t love you. We just don’t love all of your opinions.
Joel: I don’t find it bothersome at all.
Simon: I’m so glad, Joel. At least one of you knows that I’m just a man that knows his mind.
Everyone: We all know it. (Laughter.)
Conner: You know how to "air kiss".
Jim: I never do this.
Blair: Do too.
Jim: Do not. (Getting angry.)
Joel: You do it to Blair only.
Rafe: I do it to Henri sometimes.
Brown: I don’t do it.
Simon: This one’s stupid again, Conner.
Joel: Stop picking on Meggie.
Dan: I do the air kiss to Sam all the time.
Sam: And I do it back to him. So, does this make us gay? (Laughing)
Simon: Let’s not even go there.
Conner: You know how to dress strategically.
Jim: Blair dresses me.
Blair: Stop laughing everyone, I do. Jim never knows what to wear. Remember the time he let Jade dress him for his trip to Sullivan’s Pub?
Sam: Oh that was precious. I took pictures. I’ll have to get them out for a good smile again.
Dan: I think we all depend on one another to help us decide what to wear.
Simon: I wear a suit, tie, shirt and dress socks and shoes. What’s to decide? I do it all on my own.
Sully: He does. He dresses himself just like a big boy.
Joel: I would have to go to work in god knows what if Meggie didn’t help me.
Rafe: I think we should all try and dress ourselves tomorrow and let the others see what we would actually wear daily if allowed to dress themselves.
Brown: Easy for you to say. You dress like Simon.
Jim: I think we just need to keep things as they are. I like Blair dressing me. He does all sorts of fun things while he’s doing it.
Simon: I knew that was coming. I just didn’t know which idiot would make a joke about it.
Blair: Don’t call my man an idiot. He’s a stud muffin, not an idiot.
Jim: Thanks, baby.
Simon: I’m getting sick. Could we move on?
Conner: You are the only one at the class reunion who looks better than you did in high school.
Rafe: I look better than I did in high school.
Brown: He does. I don’t.
Jim: I look better too. I was such a goofy looking senior.
Blair: I was goofy looking too. So I look better also.
Sully: I think that I do too. What do you think, Simon?
Simon: I think this one’s stupid too. Sully, you’re beautiful and you were beautiful in high school. So, you look the same.
Sully leans in for a quick kiss with Simon.
Simon: What was that for?
Sully: Sometimes you just say sweet things and don’t even know you said them.
Dan: I looked better in high school. I’m too heavy now.
Sam: I think you look wonderful and you were way too skinny in high school. I was too. I look better now.
Joel: I don’t look better, but I don’t look half bad for my age. And then I have that gorgeous wife to show off too.
Conner: (Swoops in for a long kiss.) Thank you, honey bear.
Simon: Are we done for the night?
Conner: You know that being called a "cheap slut" isn't necessarily an insult.
Jim: I am definitely Blair’s slut.
Blair: But are you really cheap?
Blair: I didn’t want to say it. (Laughing.)
Rafe: I’m Henri’s.
Brown: He is cheap too. Doesn’t take much to make him into my perfect slut.
Simon: Henri, we could have gone all night without hearing that. I’m Sully’s.
Sully: You might be a slut, but you are never cheap. (Kisses her man.)
Dan: I’m cheap and a slut, and I belong to Sam.
Sam: We’re a perfect pair.
Joel: I love being Meggie’s slut.
Conner: And I’m the queen of cheap when it comes to Joel. (Smiling at her love.)
Simon: Are we almost done. I need to go home and finish some things.
Conner: Hold your water.
Conner: You wouldn't buy someone a mug for their birthday.
Jim: Not only would I, but I have bought someone a mug for their birthday. So what does this say about me?
Simon: Sorry, Sandburg, he’s not gay.
Blair: (Laughing.) But he buys very tasteful mugs. That’s the difference.
Rafe: I wouldn’t ever buy a mug.
Brown: You got me a mug for Father’s Day one year.
Rafe: Oh yeah. But it was tasteful. Jim helped pick it out. (Laughing.)
Sully: I pick out wonderful gifts, so does this make me gay?
Simon: I hope not.
Dan: I would give a mug.
Sam: He got me a mug that says, Cheap Slut.
Dan: I did not. I don’t want to advertise. (Laughing.)
Joel: I would pick out a nice mug, but Meggie would talk me out of it. She has wonderful taste.
Simon: Are we almost done?
Conner: You know which wine to bring.
Jim: This I do know.
Blair: I could care less. I’d rather bring a bottle of Rum.
Rafe: You would, you drunk, you.
Brown: I don’t know anything about wines, but luckily I’m married to Bri and he knows all about them.
Simon: I’m married to a bar owner, so I never even have to think about it. She chooses.
Sully: I do. I spoil him rotten.
Dan: I know nothing about wines, except they give me a headache after I’ve had a few glasses.
Sam: Some folks are more like Blair. They prefer Rum. That’s my Danny.
Joel: I know nothing about wine and Meggie calls Sully and asks her.
Conner: I do. I’m a big fat cheater.
Conner: You know the way to a man's heart is not necessarily through his stomach.
Simon: Don’t even go there. Any of you.
Sully: Honey, this isn’t just a gay thing. I know that if I give you a blowjob, you’ll be happier than if I fed you beef stew.
Simon: Do you have to say things like that in front of the people I work with?
Sully: Why yes, I do.
Sam: I know the way to Danny’s heart.
Dan: She does.
Jim: Blair and I both know. Not saying a word, Simon.
Blair: I love to suck cock so I know the way to his heart.
Simon: This is what I’m talking about. Do you have to say that?
Blair: I could have said worse than that.
Jim: I like fucking you too.
Simon: I give up.
Joel: I think this is something new. Simon gives up? I’ve never heard him say that.
Simon: Shut up, Joel.
Conner: You shut up. He can talk all he wants.
Simon: Do you remember who you’re talking to?
Conner: I’m talking to my friend, neighbor and uncle to my children. You're not my boss when we’re here.
Blair: Hear, hear.
Simon: Now is it time to go home?
Conner: Just about.
Conner: You know every film ever made with male frontal nudity.
Jim: I only remember one. It’s got Bruce Willis in it and he didn’t look half bad.
Blair: I know a lot of them. I make Jim watch from time to time.
Rafe: I know a lot of them too. Bruce Willis didn’t look too bad in that movie, did he?
Brown: He had a very respectable dick.
Simon: Do you all hear yourselves? It’s sick, I tell ya.
Sully: What’s the name of that movie?
Jim: Who the hell knows?
Simon: Who the hell cares?
Dan: I want to watch it. Do you have it at your house, Jim?
Jim: Yeah, come down and you can borrow it.
Sam: I’d like to see him naked too. Whoo Hoo.
Joel: I don’t know how I feel about seeing an actual person that we see in movies all the time, naked.
Jim: Borrow it from me and then tell us what you think.
Simon: Please tell me it’s time to move on.
Conner: You've got sunscreen at every conceivable SPF level.
Blair: I call this careful. We don’t want anyone burning at our cookouts.
Jim: Just the food burns. (Howling with laughter.)
Blair: You’re never going to let me live it down about setting the hamburgers on fire are you?
Jim: Nope. It was the highlight of my week, babe.
Rafe: We’ve got tons of different sunscreen also.
Brown: Maybe we should ask who doesn’t?
Simon: I think it’s safe to move on, Conner.
Conner: You can be bitchy without anyone blaming it on biology.
Jim: I get yelled at for being bitchy.
Blair: But we make up later.
Simon: I’m not bitchy.
Sully: Honey, grouchy is bitchy.
Simon: Then we’re both bitchy.
Sam: I’m very bitchy and I have no excuses.
Dan: I’m not.
Sam: He isn’t.
Joel: I’m not either, usually.
Rafe: I’m bitchy all the time. Just ask Henri.
Brown: We both are. It’s a gift.
Conner: Okay, that was the last one. See you all next week.
Everyone got up, gave hugs and said goodbye and walked out to the parking lot. It had been a nice quiet Sullivan’s Survey and everyone was glad of that.