pattrose (pattrose) wrote,
pattrose
pattrose

You Know You’re Gay When… Part 2



You Know You’re Gay When… Part 2
Patt

Conner clapped her hands and shouted, “Sit down so we can get started. We’ve got a busy night planned. Tonight is the second half of You Know You’re Gay When…”

“Oh goody.” Simon grumbled.

“Don’t even start, Simon.” Sully ordered and got a laugh from everyone.

“Here we go, ready or not.”


Conner: You are, hands down, your nephew's and niece's favorite uncle.

Blair: This is sooooo true.

Jim: It is.

Rafe: We can’t all be the favorite uncle.

Brown: Okay, I’ll be the favorite uncle and you’ll be the substitutes. I’ll call on you if the need arises.

Jim: I’m not a substitute.

Blair: He’s not.

Rafe: I’m not either. Henri, we are all the favorite uncles.

Simon: You’re all so full of shit.

Dan: They truly believe that just because they’re gay, they’re the favorite uncles, when Simon, Joel and I know we’re the favorites.

Sully: How do you know you are?

Joel: We pay the kids to say it. (Everyone breaks out in laughter.)

Simon: We could move on to the next one, Conner.


Conner: You get to choose your family.

Jim: I don’t think you have to be gay for that. Look at all of us. We are the best family around.

Blair: I agree with Jim on this, 100%.

Joel: I think we make a pretty nice family too.

Rafe: So this saying really isn’t about gays at all, do you think, Henri?

Brown: No, I don’t believe so.

Sully: I love this family. I’m so glad we’re all together.

Simon: I am too.

Sam: Have you ever thought about what our lives would be like if Megan hadn’t gotten us all together for this survey business?

Dan: I think we would all still be alone and sad.

Jim: Thank you, Conner. It was your idea and you brought us all together. We’re all thrilled.

Conner: (Eyes tearing up.) You are most welcome. I love all of you and am glad you’re my friends.


Conner: You can smile to let someone know you can't stand them.

Jim: Hey, guys? I don’t think we’re very good gays.

Blair: Jim, you do this all the time.

Jim: I do?

Blair: Yes, you do.

Rafe: I do it too, but Henri doesn’t. He doesn’t smile unless he means it.

Brown: That’s true. Sandburg, do you do it?

Blair: I smile at everyone almost all the time, but if I want to be a bitch about something, I can be.

Jim: He can.

Simon: This one is boring, Conner.

Sully: We just started, Simon. Give her some time.

Sam: I think it’s interesting.

Dan: I do too.

Joel: I sometimes smile at people I dislike and they know I don’t mean it well. So does that make me gay? (Laughing)

Simon: Let’s not even get started. Time to move, Conner.


Conner: You wouldn't be caught dead in Hooters.

Blair: Hey, I was at Hooters the other day with Simon and Joel.

Conner: You went to Hooters?

Joel: It was Simon’s idea. We brought Blair along to see that we stayed in line.

Conner: I’m going to show you a line, in the spare bedroom. (Glaring.)

Simon: Way to go, Sandburg.

Sully: I can’t believe you went to Hooters. You know how I feel about the way they treat the waitresses. And do you think they could give them a whole shirt to wear? Not.

Sam: Well, Sully, I think if they gave them an entire shirt to wear, it would defeat the purpose. Guys like to look. Would you stare, Dan?

Dan: Nope. I’ve got all the hooters I need at home.

Sam: You are going to get so lucky.

Dan: I already am.

Jim: He’s so cute, isn’t he, Sam?

Rafe: So Ellison, how do you feel about Sandburg going to Hooters?

Jim: Well, I guess if that’s what he wants to stare at, I’m in big trouble. But I see him staring at other things, so I guess Hooters wasn’t his cup of tea.

Blair: You got it, Big Man. (Kisses Jim.)

Brown: I think Hooters has the best Chicken wings in town. I could care less about the waitresses.

Simon: Likely story.

Rafe: He doesn’t care. Leave him be.

Brown: Thanks, Bri. (Kisses Rafe.)

Simon: I think we could move along.


Conner: You're good pals with women other people can't stand.

Jim: I don’t understand this one. I’m pals with Sully, Sam and Megan. Everyone loves them.

Blair: I’m not sure what it means either.

Simon: Maybe this is just a stupid one and we could pass it by.


Conner: You've always got an opinion, and don't mind sharing it.

Jim: This screams Simon.

Simon: It does not. The next thing I know is there will be a rumor about me being gay.

Jim: I didn’t say you were gay, I just said you’re opinionated.

Blair: Hear, hear.

Sully: You do like to give everyone your thoughts, honey.

Simon: Is this pick on Simon night?

Sully: Yes, when they invited me they told me, don’t forget that it’s pick on Simon night.

Dan: Simon, we all have our own opinions. Sometimes you just stress yours more strongly.

Rafe: I couldn’t agree more.

Brown: It’s not that we don’t love you. We just don’t love all of your opinions.

Joel: I don’t find it bothersome at all.

Simon: I’m so glad, Joel. At least one of you knows that I’m just a man that knows his mind.

Everyone: We all know it. (Laughter.)


Conner: You know how to "air kiss".

Jim: I never do this.

Blair: Do too.

Jim: Do not. (Getting angry.)

Joel: You do it to Blair only.

Rafe: I do it to Henri sometimes.

Brown: I don’t do it.

Simon: This one’s stupid again, Conner.

Joel: Stop picking on Meggie.

Dan: I do the air kiss to Sam all the time.

Sam: And I do it back to him. So, does this make us gay? (Laughing)

Simon: Let’s not even go there.


Conner: You know how to dress strategically.

Jim: Blair dresses me.

Blair: Stop laughing everyone, I do. Jim never knows what to wear. Remember the time he let Jade dress him for his trip to Sullivan’s Pub?

Sam: Oh that was precious. I took pictures. I’ll have to get them out for a good smile again.

Dan: I think we all depend on one another to help us decide what to wear.

Simon: I wear a suit, tie, shirt and dress socks and shoes. What’s to decide? I do it all on my own.

Sully: He does. He dresses himself just like a big boy.

Everyone laughs.

Joel: I would have to go to work in god knows what if Meggie didn’t help me.

Rafe: I think we should all try and dress ourselves tomorrow and let the others see what we would actually wear daily if allowed to dress themselves.

Brown: Easy for you to say. You dress like Simon.

Jim: I think we just need to keep things as they are. I like Blair dressing me. He does all sorts of fun things while he’s doing it.

Simon: I knew that was coming. I just didn’t know which idiot would make a joke about it.

Blair: Don’t call my man an idiot. He’s a stud muffin, not an idiot.

Jim: Thanks, baby.

Simon: I’m getting sick. Could we move on?


Conner: You are the only one at the class reunion who looks better than you did in high school.

Rafe: I look better than I did in high school.

Brown: He does. I don’t.

Jim: I look better too. I was such a goofy looking senior.

Blair: I was goofy looking too. So I look better also.

Sully: I think that I do too. What do you think, Simon?

Simon: I think this one’s stupid too. Sully, you’re beautiful and you were beautiful in high school. So, you look the same.

Sully leans in for a quick kiss with Simon.

Simon: What was that for?

Sully: Sometimes you just say sweet things and don’t even know you said them.

Dan: I looked better in high school. I’m too heavy now.

Sam: I think you look wonderful and you were way too skinny in high school. I was too. I look better now.

Joel: I don’t look better, but I don’t look half bad for my age. And then I have that gorgeous wife to show off too.

Conner: (Swoops in for a long kiss.) Thank you, honey bear.

Simon: Are we done for the night?


Conner: You know that being called a "cheap slut" isn't necessarily an insult.

Jim: I am definitely Blair’s slut.

Blair: But are you really cheap?

Jim: Yes.

Blair: I didn’t want to say it. (Laughing.)

Rafe: I’m Henri’s.

Brown: He is cheap too. Doesn’t take much to make him into my perfect slut.

Simon: Henri, we could have gone all night without hearing that. I’m Sully’s.

Sully: You might be a slut, but you are never cheap. (Kisses her man.)

Dan: I’m cheap and a slut, and I belong to Sam.

Sam: We’re a perfect pair.

Joel: I love being Meggie’s slut.

Conner: And I’m the queen of cheap when it comes to Joel. (Smiling at her love.)

Simon: Are we almost done. I need to go home and finish some things.

Conner: Hold your water.


Conner: You wouldn't buy someone a mug for their birthday.

Jim: Not only would I, but I have bought someone a mug for their birthday. So what does this say about me?

Simon: Sorry, Sandburg, he’s not gay.

Blair: (Laughing.) But he buys very tasteful mugs. That’s the difference.

Rafe: I wouldn’t ever buy a mug.

Brown: You got me a mug for Father’s Day one year.

Rafe: Oh yeah. But it was tasteful. Jim helped pick it out. (Laughing.)

Sully: I pick out wonderful gifts, so does this make me gay?

Simon: I hope not.

Dan: I would give a mug.

Sam: He got me a mug that says, Cheap Slut.

Dan: I did not. I don’t want to advertise. (Laughing.)

Joel: I would pick out a nice mug, but Meggie would talk me out of it. She has wonderful taste.

Simon: Are we almost done?


Conner: You know which wine to bring.

Jim: This I do know.

Blair: I could care less. I’d rather bring a bottle of Rum.

Rafe: You would, you drunk, you.

Brown: I don’t know anything about wines, but luckily I’m married to Bri and he knows all about them.

Simon: I’m married to a bar owner, so I never even have to think about it. She chooses.

Sully: I do. I spoil him rotten.

Dan: I know nothing about wines, except they give me a headache after I’ve had a few glasses.

Sam: Some folks are more like Blair. They prefer Rum. That’s my Danny.

Joel: I know nothing about wine and Meggie calls Sully and asks her.

Conner: I do. I’m a big fat cheater.


Conner: You know the way to a man's heart is not necessarily through his stomach.

Simon: Don’t even go there. Any of you.

Sully: Honey, this isn’t just a gay thing. I know that if I give you a blowjob, you’ll be happier than if I fed you beef stew.

Simon: Do you have to say things like that in front of the people I work with?

Sully: Why yes, I do.

Sam: I know the way to Danny’s heart.

Dan: She does.

Jim: Blair and I both know. Not saying a word, Simon.

Blair: I love to suck cock so I know the way to his heart.

Simon: This is what I’m talking about. Do you have to say that?

Blair: I could have said worse than that.

Jim: I like fucking you too.

Simon: I give up.

Joel: I think this is something new. Simon gives up? I’ve never heard him say that.

Simon: Shut up, Joel.

Conner: You shut up. He can talk all he wants.

Simon: Do you remember who you’re talking to?

Conner: I’m talking to my friend, neighbor and uncle to my children. You're not my boss when we’re here.

Blair: Hear, hear.

Simon: Now is it time to go home?

Conner: Just about.


Conner: You know every film ever made with male frontal nudity.

Jim: I only remember one. It’s got Bruce Willis in it and he didn’t look half bad.

Blair: I know a lot of them. I make Jim watch from time to time.

Rafe: I know a lot of them too. Bruce Willis didn’t look too bad in that movie, did he?

Brown: He had a very respectable dick.

Simon: Do you all hear yourselves? It’s sick, I tell ya.

Sully: What’s the name of that movie?

Jim: Who the hell knows?

Simon: Who the hell cares?

Dan: I want to watch it. Do you have it at your house, Jim?

Jim: Yeah, come down and you can borrow it.

Sam: I’d like to see him naked too. Whoo Hoo.

Joel: I don’t know how I feel about seeing an actual person that we see in movies all the time, naked.

Jim: Borrow it from me and then tell us what you think.

Simon: Please tell me it’s time to move on.


Conner: You've got sunscreen at every conceivable SPF level.

Blair: I call this careful. We don’t want anyone burning at our cookouts.

Jim: Just the food burns. (Howling with laughter.)

Blair: You’re never going to let me live it down about setting the hamburgers on fire are you?

Jim: Nope. It was the highlight of my week, babe.

Rafe: We’ve got tons of different sunscreen also.

Brown: Maybe we should ask who doesn’t?

Simon: I think it’s safe to move on, Conner.


Conner: You can be bitchy without anyone blaming it on biology.

Jim: I get yelled at for being bitchy.

Blair: But we make up later.

Simon: I’m not bitchy.

Sully: Honey, grouchy is bitchy.

Simon: Then we’re both bitchy.

Sam: I’m very bitchy and I have no excuses.

Dan: I’m not.

Sam: He isn’t.

Joel: I’m not either, usually.

Rafe: I’m bitchy all the time. Just ask Henri.

Brown: We both are. It’s a gift.

Conner: Okay, that was the last one. See you all next week.

Everyone got up, gave hugs and said goodbye and walked out to the parking lot. It had been a nice quiet Sullivan’s Survey and everyone was glad of that.
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