Conner knew that tonight’s survey was going to be a whopper. She was going to ask the four gay men the questions and then the rest of the gang would see if they agreed with the answers. She busied herself until everyone came piling into the room.
Conner: Hi, Everyone. (Smiling broadly.)
Simon: Are we done yet? (Laughing.)
Conner: Sit down so we can get started. Tonight’s might be fun.
Jim: The key words are might be.
Blair: Don’t start raggin on Megan. She makes us laugh almost every week.
Jim: Sorry, Miss Megan. (Snickering.)
Joel: Jim, that was nice of you to say.
Conner: Joel honey, he was being sarcastic.
Joel: I know, I was trying to make him feel guilty.
Jim: It worked. (Frowning.)
Simon: Are we going to get started or what?
Conner: Tonight we’re going to ask questions of Rafe, Brown, Jim and Blair. Then we’ll discuss whether we think the answers are true. The topic is, You Know You’re Gay When…
1. You wear the appropriate underwear for each of your dates.
Jim: This isn’t true. Sandburg won’t let me date.
Blair: Damn straight. Or is that damn gay. (Everyone laughs.)
Rafe: Well, sometimes I like to match.
Brown: You’re dating now?
Rafe: No, Henri, I meant I just like things to match.
Jim: You coordinate your underwear with outerwear?
Rafe: I thought everyone did until I met Henri.
Simon: Well, this one was a little boring, Conner.
Sully: I think it’s cute that Rafe wants his undies to match things.
Rafe: I don’t call them undies.
Sam: Whatever. It’s still cute.
Rafe: I’m never going to live this down, am I?
Dan: You should have just lied. I would have thought Jim would be a matching person. But Blair didn’t say he was, so I have to take him at his word. (Laughing hard.)
Blair: Okay, sometimes he does ask where a certain pair of skivvies are. But they’re only for me.
Jim: He’s lying. Don’t believe a word he says. Chief, you’ll pay for it later.
Joel: Well, sometimes I like to have matching items on my body.
Jim: See… And he’s not gay. So there.
Simon: I think we could move it along before Jim finds out what color we’re all wearing. (Laughing)
Everyone: Away we go.
Conner: 2. You understand the subtle differences between at least 20 brands of vodka.
Blair: Not true.
Rafe: Well, I do.
Brown: He does, I don’t.
Joel: So that means you’re all straight and Rafe is the only gay one? (Snickering)
Rafe: Ha ha, funny, man.
Simon: I know a lot about vodka, but so does Sully. After all, she owns a bar.
Sully: True. And I’m not gay.
Sam: She isn’t.
Dan: I know a lot about Vodka too.
Sam: Oh oh. What does that mean, Danny boy?
Dan: It means I love Vodka. Especially good Vodka.
Simon: I think it might be time to leave this one while we’re ahead.
Conner: 3. You understand the immense importance of good (or bad) lighting.
Jim: This doesn’t mean I’m gay, it means I have good eyesight.
Blair: Keep telling yourself that, Jimbo.
Jim: I’m not going to let you hang with Conner anymore if you keep calling me Jimbo.
Blair: Sorry, Dick.
Joel: You two are so damn funny.
Conner: But do you think that Jim notices good or bad lighting because he is gay?
Joel: Oh, I forgot. No, I think he just has good eyesight.
Jim: Thank you, Joel.
Joel: I’m just agreeing to be nice, Jim.
Rafe: Well, I do notice good and bad lighting. Simon, your house has a lot of lighting troubles. Conner, so does yours. But Sam’s is perfect and so is Ellison’s.
Brown: I’ve never even noticed.
Rafe: And you call yourself a Detective?
Dan: We have good lighting? I’ll be damned. Did Jim help us with that?
Sam: You know I think he did. Our house is gay friendly.
Everyone laughed but Jim.
Simon: I’ll live with bad lighting, thank you very much, Rafe.
Rafe: I could lighten up the rooms for you.
Simon: No thanks. We’ll go over to your house if we want to be lightened up.
Sully: Rafe, I wouldn’t mind you helping me get things straight over at the house.
Simon: Sully, you’re missing the whole point. It won’t be straight when he’s done with it.
Sully: (Laughing) You are so bad, baby.
Simon: Time to move on.
Conner: 4. You can be in a crowded bar and still spot a toupee from 50 yards away.
Jim: Any person with eyes can do this. Am I right?
Joel: You’re right. I spot them all the time.
Blair: I never look. I’m not wondering if someone has nice hair or not. I guess Jim gets into that.
Jim: I do not. Stop turning these around on me, Chief.
Rafe: I hate Toupee’s. And everyone knows when you wear them.
Brown: What if you start to go bald?
Rafe: I’ll shave my head like you do, beautiful.
Simon: Let’s all pray that he doesn’t lose his hair anytime soon.
Rafe: Ha ha ha ha. You’re full of it tonight, boss man.
Sully: I don’t like Toupee’s either.
Sam: I don’t either. How about you, Dan?
Dan: I could care less what people wear on their heads. I do know that a lot of folks make it real clear when I’m working on the body of a loved one, that the hair has to be put back on when I’m done. I always want to say, “They all know he was bald. Let him go out in style.”
Simon: Is that a lull in the action? I think it is. Mooooooove it, Conner.
Conner: 5. You can tell a woman you love her bathing suit and mean her bathing suit.
Jim: I happen to like looking at women now and then, so this wouldn’t work for me.
Blair: Excuse me?
Jim: You mean to tell me if a woman walks by with a hardly there swim suit you would comment only on her swim suit? You wouldn’t stare at what was under it?
Blair: No, I wouldn’t. You’re a jerk, Ellison. Don’t talk to me anymore.
Rafe: Well, we didn’t get very far into this, did we? (Laughing)
Brown: I’ve looked at women and thought about something other than her swim suit.
Rafe: Like what?
Brown: What do you think, Bri?
Rafe: I didn’t think you were still looking at women.
Jim: See, Brown agrees with me.
Blair: Good, Brown can live with you and I’ll live with Rafe. The kids will all get used to it quickly enough. (Glaring at Jim.)
Simon: Enough already. It’s okay to look. Just not touch.
Sully: You mean you like to look at other women?
Simon: No, I’d rather see you in a swim suit. You’re more beautiful.
Dan: Good save, Simon. (Laughing.)
Conner: 6. You can tell a woman she has lipstick on her teeth without embarrassing her.
Jim: Sully, you have lipstick on your teeth.
Sully: Very funny. I don’t have lipstick on.
Blair: This one’s stupid.
Simon: How could you tell from all of the other ones?
Joel: That’s not very nice, Blair and Simon.
Rafe: But it’s true.
Brown: I could tell Sam, Sully or Conner that they have lipstick on their teeth. I don’t think it has anything to do with being gay, though.
Sully: I don’t think so either, Henri.
Sam: I agree with Sully.
Dan: No one has ever been brave enough to tell me when my lipstick is on my teeth. Why is that?
Everyone bursts out laughing.
Conner: 7. No one expects you to kiss and not tell.
Jim: So does this mean, since we’re gay, they don’t want to hear?
Simon: I don’t want to hear anything.
Sully: I do. Is there anything special you want to share, Jim?
Blair: He’s too busy thinking about women to think about he and I.
Jim: Get a grip, Sandburg.
Blair: You’re sleeping in the office tonight.
Sam: Are we having fun yet?
Dan: I am. I love when they fight because they make up really nicely.
Joel: That’s true.
Conner: Jim, apologize and kiss and make up.
Jim: I didn’t do anything wrong. I’m not going to kiss his ass every time he doesn’t get his way.
Blair: You won’t be kissing my ass ever again, butt head.
Simon: Is it time to move on, Conner?
Conner: 8. You can have naked pictures of men you know in your home.
Jim: This isn’t true in our home.
Blair: I might change the rule.
Jim: Oh fuck you.
Simon: Why would you have naked pictures of anyone you knew up on the walls?
Blair: Art, man.
Sully: You are so bad, Blair. You have some nudes up in your house, but you don’t know them, right?
Blair: No, I don’t know them. I’m just teasing the dick.
Dan: Would this be Jim or your dick?
Sam: I love nudes, both male and female.
Brown: Jim, would you ever put a picture of Blair up in the nude?
Jim: Yes, if it was tastefully done.
Jim: I love the way you look, Chief.
Blair: I love the way you look too. I’m sorry I’ve been being a dickhead.
Rafe: Here comes the kissing. I told ya, they fight and kiss and make up.
Jim began to kiss Blair and they whispered their apologies to each other and they held on for dear life.
Moments like these reminded everyone how much fun they had with these darn things and how much they all loved each other.
Conner: 9. You can have naked pictures of men you don't know in your home.
Jim: We have both male and female nudes in our home.
Blair: We like the kids to see that art is art, not just males because we’re gay.
Simon: That’s a good idea I guess. I’m not much on nude art myself.
Rafe: We know.
Sully: Maybe we can get something nice for the entryway, Simon.
Sam: I don’t think you’re going to be able to talk him out of that answer.
Dan: He seems pretty stuck in his ways.
Brown: Sully, why don’t you have Sam draw a picture of you and have it framed for the entryway. Sam would do it tastefully, I’m sure. She did those ones for Rafe and I and we love them.
Sam: Thank you, Henri. I could do that and we’ll see what Simon says about it then.
Dan: Don’t force something on Simon if he doesn’t want it.
Simon: Don’t worry, they won’t.
Conner: 10. You can have naked pictures of men you don't know in your home and on your computer.
Jim: Conner, this is the same as the other one.
Conner: Does anyone have any nude pictures on their computer?
Brown: We have Wolverine.
Rafe: It’s pretty nice too. Henry had Sam draw it for Lancy.
Jim: We have Sponge-bob Squarepants, because that’s what Raney wants right now.
Blair: It’s so cute.
Dan: We have the same one as Jim and Blair.
Sully: Sam, draw them a nice one.
Sam: I did draw them.
Sully: Oh. Sorry. (Smiles at her sister.)
Simon: Now could we move on?
Conner: 11. Unlike your women friends, you can hang out in men's locker room.
Jim: I don’t like this question. I would never hang out in the men’s locker room just because.
Blair: Neither would I. Instead I go home and ask Jim to strip. (Jim leans in for a kiss.)
Joel: Men sometimes worry about this, I think.
Jim: Serious? About us?
Rafe: Ellison, of course about us. They think we want to stare at their penises. They have no idea that we have much better at home to stare at.
Jim: I’m in shock.
Simon: Well, not everyone is as comfortable with you guys being gay as you are.
Joel: So does it bother you, Simon?
Simon: Actually, I hate being naked in front of anyone but my wife. I don’t want anyone seeing my good parts.
Dan: Well, it doesn’t bother me. I could care less about anyone’s parts.
Sam: Excuse me?
Dan: I mean, guy’s parts.
Simon: Was that a lull? Conner, move this baby on.
Conner: 12. You understand why the good Lord created spandex.
Jim: I do agree with this one.
Blair: I love when Jim dresses up on Fridays in Spandex.
Dan: I love a woman in Spandex.
Sam: You do? Well, I’ll start wearing it more, then.
Simon: I like to watch Sully when she works out to the Richard Simmons tape. Every part of her looks wonderful.
(Sully leans in for a kiss from her sweet husband.)
Joel: Boy, I totally understand where he’s coming from. When Meggie gets home from her workout, I want to jump her bones right then.
Conner: You are so cute, Honeybear. I’m going to jump yours when we get home.
Rafe: Henri and I don’t wear Spandex, but I guess we could go shopping. (Brown kisses his beloved Rafe.)
Simon: I hear a timer going off. Must be time to move on.
Conner: 13. You understand why the good Lord did not intend everyone to wear spandex.
Jim: I think this one is self-explanatory.
Simon: You could move on, Conner.
Conner: 14. You know the difference between a latte, cappuccino, cafe au lait and a macchiato. And if you don't, you know how to fake it.
Jim: I don’t.
Blair: He doesn’t. But I do.
Rafe: I do too.
Brown: I have no idea. I just call it all coffee.
Joel: I fake it. (Laughing.)
Dan: I know the difference and love them all.
Sam: Danny likes a caffeine high. He’s like the Energizer Bunny.
Sully: You are so bad, Sammy.
Simon: I don’t like anything but real coffee. Those others are for wusses.
Rafe: They are not.
Simon: Are too.
Rafe: Are not.
Joel: Meggie, maybe you could move this along.
Simon: Hey, that’s my job. Move it or lose it, Conner.
Conner: 15. You know how to get back at just about everyone.
Jim: What’s that got to do with being gay? (Laughing.)
Blair: We’re just better at it, babe.
Simon: I don’t think this is a gay only subject. We all do this.
Joel: I agree.
Brown: Me too.
Rafe: Me three.
Dan: I think we could move on.
Simon: What is going on? That’s my job? You and Joel knock it off. Conner, you could move this along now.
Conner: 16. Your pets always have great names.
Simon: None of us have any pets, so let’s move past this one.
Conner: 17. Nobody expects you to change a tire.
Jim: This one’s wrong too.
Sully: Jim, I believe it’s wrong for all of us. Girls know how to change tires too.
Simon: So we could move past this one too, right? Wow, we’re just moving right a long.
Conner: 18. You're the only guy who gets to do the "Cosmo" quizzes.
Jim: I’ve never done a Cosmo quiz, unless it was here.
Blair: This is probably one of them now. (Laughing.)
Simon: I think we’re safe to move on, Conner.
Conner: 19. You know how to get a waiter's attention.
Jim: Now this one, Blair knows how to do. Man or woman, he can get their attention with a flip of his hair and a smile.
Blair: Thanks, big man.
Simon: I don’t think he meant it as a good thing, Sandburg.
Joel: Well, we all know how friendly Blair is.
Rafe: Brown flirts with the waiter’s all the time. Pisses me off.
Brown: But we get our check when you want it, don’t we?
Rafe: I just don’t like you throwing yourself all over someone else.
Sully: I flirt sometimes too. Does it have to be for the attention of a waitress?
Everyone laughs but Simon.
Simon: I don’t like the idea of you flirting with anyone.
Sully: You are ‘so’ going to get lucky tonight.
Simon: I’m lucky every night, baby.
Rafe: Ewwwwww. More than we want to know.
Joel: They are just too sweet for words.
Jim: At least it’s not us this time.
Blair: Simon, I think it’s cool that you admit in front of everyone that you love and adore your wife.
Dan: Wait a minute. I think we all do this weekly. I would do anything for Sammy and she knows it. She knows how to use it to her advantage.
Sam: I do. But it’s only because I love you so much.
Simon: All right, it’s getting too fucking mushy. Could we move on?
Conner: 20. You only wear polyester when you mean to.
Simon: Stupid. You can move right past this one, Conner.
Conner: Grump. (Snickering under her breath.)