Hey Jim 7
By Patt
15 Pieces Of Advice To be Passed On To Your Daughters Or Sons

Blair: Hey Jim, what cha doing?

Jim: Nothing much, why? I know that look. You're going to bug me with stupid trivia aren't you?

Blair: First of all, trivia is not stupid. Only people that don't know it are stupid.

Jim: Excuse me? Are you saying I'm stupid?

Blair: No, that came out wrong. I'm sorry. I just want you to learn these things so you'll be the talk of the next bullpen meeting.

Jim: Who gives a fuck, Blair?

Blair: I do. I want you to excel.

Jim: You told me last night that I did excel. (Snickering.)

Blair: Sure, in bed, but out of bed, you leave a lot to be desired. You need to have a leg up on the conversation starters. I'll give you some. All right?

Jim: Fine...

Blair: These are things that all parents should teach their children. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers. (Slapping his leg and laughing.)

Jim: Chief, I don't know how to break this to ya, but you're a guy. This means you.

Blair: No, it's only those guys that won't change. I change all the time.

Jim: Yeah, right. Blair, you are more stuck in your ways than I am.

Blair: Bullshit... Man, you're pathetic. You're mad about something that I just said, so you attack me.

Jim: Do you think I'm not capable of changing?

Blair: (Snickering.) Well, maybe when you're older. And in depends.

Jim: You suck, Blair.

Blair: Why yes, I do. How insightful of you to notice this.

Jim: I'm going to take up spousal abuse.

Blair: You're a teddy bear you'll never hurt me.

Jim: No, I won't.

Blair: What do you do if Jim walks out? - You shut the door.

Jim: Very funny, Blair.

Blair: (Trying to catch his breath.) God, that was a good one. You have to admit, it even made you smile.

Jim: It was all right.

Blair: If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put a lot more of them up there.

Jim: (Snickering.) Now that one's funny, Blair. Let me write that down. I'm going to hit the guys up with some of these tomorrow.

Blair: Oh now they're funny enough for the bullpen?

Jim: They always were. It just takes me awhile to warm up to humor. You know that.

Blair: Never let Jim's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone. (Howling.)

Jim: Okay, now that one isn't funny.

Blair: Would it be funny if I'd said Rafe, Brown, Simon's or Joel's name instead?

Jim: I think so.

Blair: Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway. (Falls out of his chair, holding on to his side.)

Jim: You do realize that this is you, right?

Blair: Yes, and I think it's a riot.

Jim: Just making sure.

Blair: Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that we can tell each other apart.

Jim: Now that one is dumb.

Blair: Yeah, I think so too.

Jim: Can I have a kiss before we go any further? (Leans in for a nice long kiss.)

Blair: Man, can you kiss. I wouldn't need any other way to tell you from any other guy. No one else could kiss like that.

Jim: Okay, what do you want?

Blair: I don't want anything. Well, I might want something, but it's not going to cost you anything but expended energy. (Laughing.)

Jim: Cool...

Blair: The definition of a bachelor is a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable. (Howling.)

Jim: This could be about us. Why are you laughing?

Blair: Because it's 'so' us.

Jim: I make you miserable.

Blair: God, Jim you're so easy it's not even funny.

Jim: Fuck you...

Blair: He shoots, he scores. I was wondering how long it would take to get you to say that to me.

Jim: God, I hate you.

Blair: Oh you do not. You'd be lost without me making your life miserable.

Jim: That's probably true.

Blair: Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types. (Howling)

Jim: Oh I suppose this is me?

Blair: Jim if you have to ask, it's a given.

Jim: God, I hate you sometimes.

Blair: Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest he is too old for it. Right old man? (Giggling)

Jim: You live to torment me don't you?

Blair: Yup...

Jim: Couldn't we just have a peaceful day and talk like normal people?

Blair: How the hell do you know what normal is, Jim?

Jim: I hear people talking all the time, Chief. And believe me, they don't talk like we do.

Blair: Fine, if you're bored with me, I can take a hint.

Jim: Jesus, I hate when you do that.

Blair: Do what?

Jim: Just get this over with so I can have a nap. I'm old remember?

Blair: Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.

Jim: Now I'm hoping you don't feel this way.

Blair: No I love you to death, Jim. The only reason my eyes are open when I should be sleeping, is because of the wonderful things you do to my cock first thing in the morning.

Jim: You like that do ya?

Blair: Yah, do I look stupid?

Jim: No, you look beautiful.

Blair: I hate when you say that man, and it reminds me of the next thing on the list. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

Jim: Oh thank you very much...

Blair: (Bowing) You're welcome. I'll be here until Thursday.

Jim: Oh god, visions of Shrek and you jumping around the room saying, "Pick me, pick me."

Blair: God, you have to love that ass.

Jim: Thanks; I'm rather fond of it myself.

Blair: (Laughing hard.) You're getting the hang of it. See you're not bad for an old guy.

Jim: I'll show you old guy after I take my nap. (Snickering.)

Blair: The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions. Jim, this is so you.

Jim: Wait a minute. I'm not the one that got us lost that time

Blair: Oh get over it, Jim. It's time to move on.

Jim: I want to move on up. I love kissing you.

Blair: You're such a dick, Jim. You want to get out of this, so you're going to try and fuck me aren't you?

Jim: Try, my ass, I'm going to do it. (Grabbing Blair.)

Blair: (Laughing.) No, wait until we're done with this. I want to wait.

Jim: Why don't you go and get some ice for my cock then?

Blair: Well if you insist. (Giggling) If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks. Oh man, this is so you.

Jim: It is not!

Blair: Yeah it is. You're always worried about what everything is going to cost.

Jim: I do not!

Blair: Yeah, you do and it's not going to get you in bed any sooner if you keep disagreeing with me.

Jim: Well hell, I could have been agreeing with you a long time ago. Why didn't you tell me that?

Blair: Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes. It means that you laugh at his. (Snort.)

Jim: What? You don't think I'm funny?

Blair: Sometimes...

Jim: You snorted and it wasn't an attractive sound, Blair.

Blair: Oh get over it.

Jim: God, I love when you say that.

Blair: You're not fucking me any sooner, Jim.

Jim: Well fuck...

Blair: Sadly, all men are created equal. So therefore, I was wrong too, and I think you need to fuck me right now.

Jim: Now you're talking my language. Race you upstairs?

Blair: Like you could possibly win. (Running up the stairs and Jim just walked slowly.)

Jim: Yeah, but I just got to watch your ass as you ran up the stairs. Now who is the smarter man?

Blair: You are, now get up here and fuck me.

Jim: I'm coming...

Blair: Not yet, Jim, but soon...

The end.