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Hey Jim 6 This one is so cute. :)



Hey Jim 6
By Patt
Christmas Songs For The Mentally Disturbed

Blair: Hey Jim?

Jim: Oh God, please tell me I'm not going to have to spit my coffee all over the place again.

Blair: You won't have to spit your coffee all over the place again.

Jim: Thank you. Now what did you need, babe?

Blair: Have you ever wondered about mental illness?

Jim: As a matter of fact, I think of it often while living with you.

Blair: Very funny, I'm serious here.

Jim: Sorry babe. No, never have given it much thought.

Blair: Well I was thinking about the holidays and mental illness and it occurred to me that there would be certain drawbacks to the Christmas carols.

Jim: What are you talking about?

Blair: Let me explain. Let's say, for example, you're a schizophrenic. Well then, how could you possibly get your point across when you sing, Do you hear what I hear?

Jim: (Spewing his coffee across the table.) You promised me I would not be spewing coffee. Now stop it. Jesus we need a new table.

Blair: We do not, you old stick in the mud. How about Multiple personality Disorder? Would the song be We Three Queens Disoriented Are?

Jim: Okay, I'm getting smarter. I'm not drinking while you're talking. And that's a good one, Chief. (Laughing quietly.)

Blair: (I'll break him yet.) So if a person has dementia, would he sing, I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas?

Jim: Yes, he would. (Laughing just a little harder this time.)

Blair: Oh here's a good one for you, Jim. If you were Narcissistic, would you be singing Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me?

Jim: (Spitting his water out.) Damn it Chief. And why is that a good one for me. I don't do that? Do I? Come on; tell me, do I?

Blair: Jim, how many times did you say I in that sentence? Think hard...

Jim: Fuck you, Sandburg...

Blair: Nice comeback, Jim. Want to sing for awhile before we continue?

Jim: That was so funny I almost forgot to laugh, you dick.

Blair: Jim I worry about Simon sometimes. And I think that he might be a bit of a manic. So in his case, would he sing, Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...

Jim: (Hits his head on the coffee table as he falls to the floor laughing) Stop, I beg of you.

Blair: I don't want to scare you Jim, but I found another one about you. I'm becoming a little worried here, I have to tell ya.

Jim: Hit me, Chief. Give it your best shot.

Blair: If you're parnoid, and we know you are, would you be singing, Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me?

Jim: (Almost swallows tongue.) Come here you little prick. (Making a mad grab for Blair.)

Blair: That's not what you said last night, funny man. Oh God, Jim, I found another one for Simon. This one is sad. Very, very sad.

Jim: Oh God, I need to write these down.

Blair: Why?

Jim: Because Blair you're a funny guy and when I go to repeat them, I always forget the punch lines. I hate that.

Blair: Well don't worry, there's this weird person on one of the lists that keeps track of these stupid things.

Jim: Great, then I don't have to stop and write it down now.

Blair: Exactly. Now you want to get back to our poor boss, or don't you really care for the man?

Jim: I'm ready, hot stuff...

Blair: If Simon had a personality disorder, Would he sing, You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why.

Jim: (Refusing to let the giggle out) There is more isn't there?

Blair: Well now that you mention it, I'm a little concerned about Joel. He seems a little depressed, so do you suppose he would sing, Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.

Jim: All right, that doesn't sound like Joel at all. (Snickering)

Blair: Okay, well I can't win them all. Besides I've been to fucking worried about Rafe. You know the other day he went on and on and on about his suit. How much he paid, how long it took to press it and so on. I think he might have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. So if he did, would he sing:

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock ........ ....
(better start again)

Jim: (Doesn't even try to stop the howling) Chief, if Rafe heard that he'd kick your sweet ass.

Blair: Yeah, but babe that's what I keep you around for?

Jim: To kick his ass for you?

Blair: No, you nutjob, for my sweet ass.

Jim: (Leans in for a very deep kiss and makes Blair moan.) I've still got it don't I Chief?

Blair: My ass? You bet your sweet ass you do!

Jim: God, I love what you do to me.

Blair: And what is that, Jim?

Jim: You make me laugh. You make me smile. I love you.

Blair: You're just saying that because you suffer from Passive-Aggressive Personality and you need to sing, On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (And Then Took It All Away).

Jim: (Laughing as he pulls Blair into a hug.) God, I love you.

Blair: It's because I have Borderline Personality Disorder and I've been singing, Thoughts of Roasting On An Open Fire!

Jim: Man, that's bad even for you.

Blair: I told ya, I'm got Borderline Personality Disorder. Fucking sue me, man.

Jim: (Still laughing.) I don't know what normal people do in the evenings, but I'm so damned glad you're not normal.

Blair: Hon, you're the one that wants everything to be about him. You're the abnormal one. Remember?

Jim: Oh yeah, come on upstairs and let me show you normal.

Blair: I don't want normal.

Jim: Good...

Blair: Oh man, you did it again.

Jim: I'm good, in my own quiet way. I, I, I, I...

Blair: (Snickering) I'll show you I.

Jim: Oh I love when you show me Captain One Eye.

Blair: Oh God, I can't believe I walked right into that one.

Jim: You did, but I'm good. Let me show you how much you like me, me, me...

Blair: I've created a monster.

[[[[[]]]]]

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Comments

scherwood
Jul. 26th, 2010 09:49 pm (UTC)

a monster indeed.. *snicker*

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