pattrose (pattrose) wrote,

Hey Jim 5 This one is a hoot.

Hey Jim 5
By Patt
Uses For Jim's Fruitcake...

Blair: Hey Jim, I found some new uses for the fruitcake that Sally made you.

Jim: Don't go finding any uses for it. I like it.

Blair: (Whispering) You would.

Jim: Chief, why do you whisper when you know I can hear you?

Blair: I think it was all of that fruitcake going to my head. They're doing studies to see if it causes mental disease.

Jim: Chief, You don't need any fruitcake for that. You do it just fine on your own.

Blair: Oh you're so fucking funny, I almost forgot to laugh.

Jim: (Laughing hard) You don't like it when the shoes on the other foot do you?

Blair: Jim, why would I want to wear my shoes on the wrong feet?

Jim: I give up now. Just let me give in and let you have your say and we'll be done with it. What uses have you found for Sally's fruitcake?

Blair: I'm not quite certain I care for your tone, old man.

Jim: Old man????

Blair: Well you're older than I am and you are a man. Am I right?

Jim: Just get on with this and put me out of my misery...

Blair: Well in that case, let me get you a piece of this fruitcake...

Jim: It's not nice to make fun of something that someone took the time, patience and love to make special for me.

Blair: Jim, I don't know how to tell you this, but she buys it this way. That's why they always looks the same. I can't believe you believed she made the damn things.

Jim: You are so full of shit, Sandburg. (Pouting, as he turned away.)

Blair: So do you want to hear these or not?

Jim: I could care less. (Turning away from Blair even more.)

Blair: Well you would care, if the table suddenly got wobbly and we needed something to hold it up until we got to Home Depot. Now if we had fruitcake on hand, there would be no problemo.

Jim: You're such a prick sometimes, Sandburg.

Blair: Oh admit it, that made you almost feel like smiling.

Jim: The only thing about it that would have made me smile would be the thought of shopping at Home Depot. You know how much I love it there.

Blair: I'm leaving you for someone that's just a little more exciting to be around than getting happy about a shopping spree at Home Depot.

Jim: Don't even kid around about that, Blair.

Blair: Jim let me see your hiking boot really fast.

Jim: Why? You have a miracle cure for the hole in the bottom?

Blair: I think I do. We can use the slices of fruitcake and it will be both comfy and they'll last you a lifetime.

Jim: God, this is getting really old, Chief. Could we stop now?

Blair: Oh, damn! I forgot to tell you that Simon called.

Jim: Well what did he want?

Blair: There's some flooding and they want to use Sally's fruitcake to soak up all of the excess water.

Jim: (Finally laughing) Okay, enough already.

Blair: Did you hear that the army had contacted Sally?

Jim: Oh gee, let me guess, they want to use her fruitcake to drop as bombs?

Blair: Oh she already told you, eh? They want to drop them on Iraq.

Jim: (Can't help himself, he's laughing hard now.) Blair, please have pity on an old man. Didn't you call me old just a little bit ago?

Blair: Babe, you're not old. The damn fruitcake is older than you are.

Jim: (Howling, now) We're talking about Sally, here.

Blair: No Jim, we're talking about something that you put in your mouth to make someone happy once a year--something that could also be used as railroad ties.

Jim: Hey, I put things in my mouth to make you happy.

Blair: Are you saying I taste like a fucking fruitcake? No, don't answer that.

Jim: Blair, I don't know how to tell you this, but we are fruitcakes.

Blair: Oh god... I'm so depressed. You're a lot better at this then I am. Shit... Well, I’m going to go for a drive. Thank god, I got those new shocks, because they're using Sally's fruitcake for speed bumps now.

Jim: (Spitting his drink clear across the room.) Shit, Blair... Warn a guy will ya?

Blair: Next one is due in five seconds, Jim. Man, I'm so bored. I have a good idea. Something new to do. Wanna try something new?

Jim: I always want to try something new with you, baby.

Blair: Okay, let me set up twelve of the cakes and we'll use them for bowling pins.

Jim: Fuck... You're good Sandburg. (Leaning over he kisses him soundly)

Blair: Oh Simon called and said that someone was calling your dad's house threatening them. I almost forgot. I think he said the name was Morelli? Does this ring a bell?

Jim: Morelli, as in the Mobster?

Blair: Oh he's a mobster. Now it all makes sense. He wants to hire Sally to make fruitcakes. He said he'd save a fortune on cement shoes, whatever that means.

Jim: (Falls to the floor squealing with laughter.) Blair, promise me that this is the end. Please?

Blair: (Picks up a notepad and looks at it and sighs as he puts it down) I guess I'm done.

Jim: Get it out of your system, Blair. Finish me off if you can.

Blair: Serious you mean it? Or are you just going to wait until I'm not looking and hit me in the head with one and tell Simon I fell?

Jim: Very funny. Don't even kid about me smacking you around, all right?

Blair: You're too sweet for words. Oh hell, no you're not. Love muffin, comes to mind.

Jim: Love Muffin?

Blair: Well it's fucking well better than Fruitcake isn't it?

Jim: I gotta give you that.

Blair: Joel called while you were out.

Jim: (Rolling his eyes.) And?

Blair: Well he said to tell you that it's a go for the order.

Jim: What order? (Looking confused.)

Blair: Well how the fuck do I know?

Jim: Well what exactly did he say?

Blair: He said, "Tell Jim that the order is larger than expected because the cakes are better for the skeet-shooting practice than anything they've ever used.

Jim: (Spewing his coffee all over Blair.) Serves ya right.

Blair: Well thankfully I'm wearing a liquid proof vest made out of Sally's handy dandy fruitcake. No moisture shall ever touch this chest.

Jim: Wouldn't you feel bad if Sally heard this?

Blair: Well duh.

Jim: (Whispering) So it would bother you to find out that she was out in the hallway right now?

Blair: (Turning beet red and gasping) Oh fuck... Tell her I'm sorry, Jim.

Jim: Gotcha. God, I'm good. (Doing a snoopy dance all over the living room.)

Blair: That's not even fair, man.

Jim: Who ever said life was fair? Fuck, I've been eating this damn fruitcake for how many years? I think I should be allowed to win one argument.

Blair: If I asked you something would you do it for me?

Jim: Anything...

Blair: I would love you to stop eating that damn fruitcake.

Jim: Deal...

Blair: I love you, man.

Jim: Come here my little fruitcake...

Tags: jokes

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