pattrose (pattrose) wrote,

Hey Jim Part 1

Hey Jim –1
by Patt

Blair called out, "Hey Jim, did you know that if you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee." Blair thought to himself, it hardly seems worth it!

Jim said, "Blair, we need to tell Simon about this, don't we?"

Blair smiled as he asked, "Oh gross, Jim guess what? The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. Who fucking knew?"

Blair started laughing and continued, "Hot damn, Jim, a pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes." And Blair thought to himself, in my next life I want to be a pig!

Blair said, "Now Jim how do you suppose they figured out exactly how long this lasted? Do you suppose some guy had to shove his dick into the pig to see how long it lasted? Hey, this is stuff I think about sometimes. I can't help it."

Jim still choking on his own spit, growled out, "Hush."

Blair said, "Yo Jim, banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour." He started banging his head against the wall saying, "I'm still in shock over the pig news. I need to work off more calories."

Jim grabbed his head and held it close and said, "Enough is enough Chief. No more banging your head on the wall. You don't need to lose any weight or brain cells."

Blair kissed Jim and then said, "Hey Jim did you know, a cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death?"

Jim made a face and said, "Chief, that's gross."

Blair answered, "Once again, Jim, I'm wondering who the hell wandered around following this poor sick, headless bug and waited for it to finally starve to death? And how do they know it was starvation? Stop laughing, Jim."

Blair was now laughing too, and said, "Yo Jim, the male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off."

Jim started laughing very vigorously and said, "Now this gives a whole new meaning to Sandburg bit my head off today. Doesn't it?"

Blair laughed with him and said," Okay, Jim, vote on this one, some lions mate over 50 times a day. In my next life I still want to be a pig...quality over quantity! What do you think, big man?"

Jim thought a minute and smiled, "Chief, I don't know, because it’s hard to think about something I know I'll never be familiar with. Sad, but true."

Blair said, "Hey Jim, elephants are the only animals that can't jump. Wouldn't this be one for the stupid elephant jokes?"

Jim answered, "No, it would be a stupid human trick, let’s watch the human try to get the huge elephant to jump." DUH

"Oh good one, big man." Blair said, "Hey Jim, a cat's urine glows under a black light. Did we really need to know that?"

"Okay Chief," Jim said, "I'm getting the hang of this. Who follows that cat around and sees what it is doing, and carries a black light around with them just in case?"

"Way to go, hot shot." Blair said laughing.

Blair yelled out, "Hey Jim, Polar bears are left handed."

And Jim answered, "Who fucking cares?" Jim found himself having a very good time. If nothing else, Blair was teaching him to enjoy life more.

Blair added, "Hey Jim, humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. What about the pig? Not to mention the damn lion. Holy shit 50 times a day. You have to say it is for pleasure. I mean, no damn lion is going to do it 50 times just because something in nature tells him to do it. Right? I mean he is the king of the jungle; he wouldn't do it just because. I believe it's probably a good time for him and the pig. Holy shit, maybe we should get the two together."

"Chief," Jim said, "I should have seen that one coming, but I didn't. Oh man, do you believe we're talking about orgasm's and I just said, seen that one coming in the same sentence?"

Blair being pulled into Jim's arms said, "Hey Jim, what are you doing man, we have to go to work in an hour? Okay, I'll give in, only because I keep thinking about the damn lion and the pig."

Jim said while kissing him, "I hope you won't be disappointed because I can't make you orgasm for 30 minutes."

Blair kissed him back and said, "Hey Jim, fuck me senseless, that shouldn't take too long, my brain has already gone south."


Later on that night, Blair decided he needed to drive Jim nuts once again. It was just too easy.

Blair said, "Hey Jim, how come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him? Wouldn't you think he would be able to take a little gun in the head or chest? And speaking of Superman do you think he could keep it up for hours and hours. Man, he could be with that pig I was telling you about. Oh yeah, that was 30 minute orgasms."

Okay, Chief, now you've done it, Jim said, "Just thinking about it makes me hard. One-track mind. Why are you asking me this dumb assed question this early in the morning? And are you complaining about how long I can keep it up?" Jim thought to himself, shit, I thought things were good with us.

Blair glared at Jim and answered, "Jim, you know that you keep it up just fine for me. So stop worrying about it right now. Remember, this is supposed to make you smile and laugh."

Tags: jokes

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