Sullivan’s Pub Part 3
The Reasons Why It's Great to be a Guy:
By Rafe, Brown, Taggart, Banks and
Co-authored by Patt
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
Rafe: Yup, that would be Jim.
Brown: That could be Simon, too.
Joel: It's Jim and Simon.
Jim: Fuck you all.
Simon: Jim you might want to retract that statement. That sounds like you
want group sex.
Movie nudity is virtually always female.
Brown: Thank god.
Rafe: Hot damn.
Taggart: You have to love that about movies.
Banks: Do you men not have anything else to do?
Ellison: I hate that about movies. I want to see something besides boobs
sometimes. Yes, you all know what I want to see.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
Brown: What's a suitcase?
Rafe: I plead the fifth.
Taggart: I agree with Brown.
Ellison: I know what a suitcase is, but I sure as hell know how to pack one
well enough to never need more than once piece for any said trip.
Banks: Jim, why not take this totally serious?
Monday Night Football.
Rafe: Amen. Could I add cheerleaders?
Taggart: Could I add the food?
Banks: Could I have you men go back to work?
Ellison: I like football for the sport, what the fuck is wrong with all of
The bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
Brown: (He can't stop laughing.)
Rafe: I've had women come into the men's room because they can't wait. I
picked a woman up that way once. She liked what she saw while I was in front
of the urinal. What? I mean it. It happened.
Taggart: Where did this happen?
Banks: Rafe, I want you to see someone about this.
Ellison: Rafe I hate to break it to you, but I've seen it while in front of
the urinal, and I doubt that is why she asked you out. *Snort*
You can open all your own jars.
Brown: Thank god.
Rafe: Hey, I have to ask Henry for help now and then.
Taggart: Once I had to ask Blair for help.
Banks: Are we done with this yet?
Ellison: He's a strong little shit, isn't he? Remind me to tell you about
something later Taggart.
Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.
Brown: Not me.
Rafe: I spend a fortune on both.
Taggart: I don't.
Banks: I spend enough.
Ellison: Why is everyone looking over here? Shit, will I never hear the end
of it, because I'm losing my hair. Sandburg is starting to recede, do you
see me bugging him nonstop? I don't think so.
Simon: We were talking about you being a neat freak and taking things to the cleaners.
When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall on every shot
of someone crying.
Taggart: Well, if it's a good film, I might stay for awhile.
Banks: Amen to what Brown and Rafe said.
Ellison: I don't stall, I just like to hear what I might have missed out on.
Besides Sandburg usually has the remote.
Everyone bursts out laughing!
A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
Rafe: I hate that.
Taggart: I have one of them.
Banks: I'm getting one.
Ellison: If you want sex bad enough, you won't notice anything.
You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around everywhere you go.
Rafe: Hey, a person has to have things when he goes somewhere. It's all part
Taggart: I agree with Rafe.
Banks: You sound like a bunch of women.
Ellison: Hey, you just insulted Sandburg. Take it back, Simon.
You understand why the movie "Stripes" is funny.
Taggart: I thought it was pretty funny.
Banks: I thought it was hysterical.
Ellison: Blair won't let me watch it anymore.
Rafe: You are such a pussy.
You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
Brown: hee hee
Rafe: hee hee is right.
Taggart: I can only think of two people that go to the restroom together.
Banks: Taggart, this is our workplace. Let's keep this clean.
Ellison: Hey I resemble that remark.
The garage is all yours.
Ellison: I don't have a garage. I have a storage room, that Blair lets me
keep stuff in, but other than that, I don't have anything like that. What?
What did I say? Why are you all looking at me like that?
Banks: You are whipped. Stop it.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Brown: They give credit?
Rafe: I didn't know that.
Taggart: I did. I knew that one.
Banks: That's why I'm not married anymore.
Ellison: Well, I get extra credit for a lot of things, from Sandburg. What?
Why are you still looking at me?
You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
Rafe: It takes me about an hour to get everything done, what of it?
Taggart: 10 minutes here too.
Ellison: What takes you all so long? (Snickering.)
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your
Brown: If I got forgotten for a poker night, I would feel really bad.
Rafe: I would too.
Banks: Same here.
Ellison: Hey, did I remember to ask you guys to come by for Poker on Saturday
night? I thought not. Sorry. Well, don't forget.
Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
Taggart: Why, how much do yours cost?
Rafe: Hell I've paid more than ten bucks for one pair of boxers.
Banks: We could have gone all night long without hearing that.
Ellison: What kind did you buy? And where did you get them?
Banks: Oh for gods sake.
The National College Cheer leading Championship.
Ellison: I kind of like the guy they usually have on the squad. I was
kidding, stop throwing things at me.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Brown: Yeah, right.
Rafe: Yeah, right.
Taggart: You guys have to shave elsewhere?
Banks: Yeah, ditto what Taggart just asked?
Ellison: Nair is a lot easier for a lot of hard to reach places. Hey, stop
throwing things. I can't believe you stooped to throwing things, Simon.
Simon: Then shut up.
If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
Brown: Bullshit. My mom does.
Rafe: Bullshit, everyone asks me if I'm gay. No offense, Jim.
Taggart: No one has asked me that.
Banks: Joel I think they figure you and I are just set in our ways.
Ellison: Nobody notices about me.
Simon: Ellison, are you always this unaware? Everyone knows you are soooo
Everything on your face stays its original color.
Ellison: Fuck, we all agree on this one? Amen.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
Ellison: This is like the twilight zone here. Amen.
Flowers fix everything.
Taggart: They do sometimes.
Banks: I never really tried.
Banks: Ellison, didn't you just send flowers to Sandburg last week and didn't
you tell me the makeup sex was awesome?
Ellison: Why not tell everyone, Simon?
Banks: Sorry, I got carried away here. Sorry.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
Banks: Well, I know that Jim wouldn't let Sandburg wear one to a waterpark
because he wouldn't be able to concentrate.
Ellison: When did this become, let's make fun of Jim day?
Simon: About 30 minutes ago.
Three pair of shoes is more than enough.
Ellison: Blair makes me have different kinds to go with different outfits.
Brown: Ellison, guys don't wear outfits and if you do, you're gay.
Ellison: But I am gay, asshole.
Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
Rafe: I kind of like him.
Taggart: I hate him.
Banks: Who is he?
Ellison: Rafe you like Michael Bolten? I've never met a straight man that
Rafe: What the fuck do you mean by that, Ellison?
Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
Brown: Well, usually, but sometimes we feel bad telling nasty jokes around
Ellison: Wait a minute. Blair has a great sense of humor. You're saying you
stop telling jokes around him? That pisses me off.
Banks: Well, Jim we stop telling them around you too.
Ellison: Fuck all of ya.
Taggart: That's what we're afraid of.
Rafe: I think you're all sick.
Ellison: They are all sick.
Rafe: I met you gays.
Simon: Good one, Rafe.
You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
Taggart: Well, I really don't feel that great about my body right now.
Banks: I need to take some of this weight off.
Ellison: What did you say about a whip? What? Stop throwing things at me.
Auto mechanics tell you the truth.
Brown: That's why we bring Jim along.
Taggart: Jim does seem to know an awful lot about cars.
Banks: He has some knowledge of them and the people that deal with us.
Ellison: You're all so full of shit. You know that I'm a Sentinel. Stop
trying to act like you don't know.
You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even
thinking, "He must be mad at me."
Brown: Now this one I have to argue with. If Rafe doesn't talk to me, I know
he's mad at me. It's a partner thing.
Rafe: Agreed. It's a partner thing.
Taggart: Yeah, I partner with Conner a lot and I feel the same way with her.
Banks: Well, I don't agree with any of you. I would prefer if you all didn't
talk to me. Including this stupid survey.
Ellison: I think it's a partner thing.
Brown: Ellison, you are so full of shit. With you, it's a I have to fuck
You get to jump up and slap stuff.
Brown: I don't get this one.
Rafe: I don't either.
Taggart: Me either.
Banks: Have you ever seen any of us slap anything?
Ellison: Guys, guys, guys. Do I have to remind you of how we jump up and
slap each other's asses and hands during games. Oh yeah, that's me and Sandburg, sorry.
One mood, all the time.
Taggart: Not true, I am a man of many moods.
Banks: Joel, you sound like Jim now.
Ellison: Hey, quit picking on the gay guy. And stop picking on Joel.
Taggart: Thanks, Jim.
You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
Rafe: I don't get this one.
Taggart: You wouldn't, you're as thin as Eastwood is.
Banks: It's not as easy for us bigger guys.
Ellison: I wouldn't want to be skinny.
You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
Brown: I bet Ellison knows 20 ways.
Rafe: I bet he does too.
Taggart: Why would a person need 20 ways to open a bottle?
Banks: Jim, tell us, how many do you know?
Ellison: Two. One for twisting the cap off and the other way is using a bottle opener.
Rafe: Well that was a disappointment.
You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
Rafe: Not always.
Taggart: I agree with Rafe.
Banks: Ellison I think you're corrupting the others in the bullpen.
Ellison: Hey, stop picking on the gay guy. I can sit any way I like. If you don't like looking at the bulge in my pants, sometimes, tough.
Banks: I knew that was coming.
Ellison: Don't mention coming, the gay guy, might go crazy.
Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
Brown: Yeah, right.
Rafe: Oh yeah, I believe that.
Taggart: It might be true.
Banks: You just keep living in that bubble, Joel.
Ellison: Hey I've had no complaints.
Banks: Jim, you aren’t gray.
Ellison: But I do have wrinkles. Wanna see em?
You don't mooch off others' desserts.
Brown: I do this sometimes.
Rafe: I never do.
Taggart: I do this all the time.
Banks: I've done it a couple of times.
Ellison: What are you all fags?
The remote is yours and yours alone.
Brown: We all know who is the keeper of the remote at the Ellison-Sandburg
Rafe: Sandburg is the boss there.
Taggart: He makes great food too.
Banks: Taggart, what the hell does food have to do with the remote?
Taggart: Who cares? He makes fantastic food. I love it.
Ellison: Fuck you all.
Banks: Do you kiss Sandburg with that mouth?
ESPN's Sports Center.
Brown: Fave show.
Rafe: I like it when I'm in the mood.
Taggart: I love this show.
Banks: I swear that Rafe is starting to act more like Sandburg every day.
Are we certain it isn't catching?
Ellison: I love Sports Center too, and I don't think that being annoying is
Bachelor parties rule over bridal showers.
Brown: I wouldn't know.
Rafe: I wouldn't know.
Taggart: I could care less.
Banks: Me too.
Ellison: And you think I'm gay?
You don't need to pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
Brown: I like to say, I'm taking a piss.
Rafe: I say, I'm draining the dew off the lily.
Taggart: I don't say anything, I just go.
Banks. Drain the dew off the fucking lily?
Ellison: Sir, you want to take back some of those gay remarks about me, now?
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become
life long buddies.
Brown: Like I would notice.
Rafe: I would die.
Taggart: I could care less.
Banks: Rafe, I think we might need to talk.
Ellison: Simon, you going to let up on the remarks for a while now?
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
Taggart: I think it's a bodily function.
Banks: I try not to be rude but sometimes can't help it.
Ellison: I try to do it, to piss Blair off.
You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
Brown: I don't care to remember.
Rafe: I keep it all on my calendar.
Taggart: I try to remember all important dates. Speaking of that Jim, did
you remember to pick up those flowers for Blair?
Banks: Jesus, now you're helping him remember things, Taggart?
Ellison: Yes Simon. This is what real friends do. And yes, I didn’t remember, Joel. Thank you.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything
Brown: I hate when someone asks that.
Rafe: I usually notice before a person asks.
Taggart: So do I.
Banks: Oh god, I need to talk to two of them now, Ellison. You've ruined the
Ellison: Fuck you, sir.
Brown: Can you say, Wow?
Rafe: I can and I do. Wow.
Taggart: I even like this show.
Banks: Babewatch. Love it.
Ellison: I love it too. I hated when David Hasselhoff left the show though.
He was so good in it. And we loved to watch him run across the beach. What?
I knew you all expected that of me. I'm just saying what you think the gay
guy should say. I love to watch the babes too. That better?
There is always a game on somewhere.
Ellison: You're all gay.