pattrose (pattrose) wrote,
pattrose
pattrose

The REasons why it's great to be a guy...



Sullivan’s Pub Part 3
The Reasons Why It's Great to be a Guy:
By Rafe, Brown, Taggart, Banks and
Ellison.

Co-authored by Patt


Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.


Rafe: Yup, that would be Jim.

Brown: That could be Simon, too.

Joel: It's Jim and Simon.

Jim: Fuck you all.

Simon: Jim you might want to retract that statement. That sounds like you
want group sex.

@@@
Movie nudity is virtually always female.

Brown: Thank god.

Rafe: Hot damn.

Taggart: You have to love that about movies.

Banks: Do you men not have anything else to do?

Ellison: I hate that about movies. I want to see something besides boobs
sometimes. Yes, you all know what I want to see.

@@@
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

Brown: What's a suitcase?

Rafe: I plead the fifth.

Taggart: I agree with Brown.

Ellison: I know what a suitcase is, but I sure as hell know how to pack one
well enough to never need more than once piece for any said trip.

Banks: Jim, why not take this totally serious?

@@@
Monday Night Football.

Brown: Amen

Rafe: Amen. Could I add cheerleaders?

Taggart: Could I add the food?

Banks: Could I have you men go back to work?

Ellison: I like football for the sport, what the fuck is wrong with all of
you?


@@@
The bathroom lines are 80% shorter.

Brown: (He can't stop laughing.)

Rafe: I've had women come into the men's room because they can't wait. I
picked a woman up that way once. She liked what she saw while I was in front
of the urinal. What? I mean it. It happened.

Taggart: Where did this happen?

Banks: Rafe, I want you to see someone about this.

Ellison: Rafe I hate to break it to you, but I've seen it while in front of
the urinal, and I doubt that is why she asked you out. *Snort*

@@@
You can open all your own jars.

Brown: Thank god.

Rafe: Hey, I have to ask Henry for help now and then.

Taggart: Once I had to ask Blair for help.

Banks: Are we done with this yet?

Ellison: He's a strong little shit, isn't he? Remind me to tell you about
something later Taggart.

@@@
Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.

Brown: Not me.

Rafe: I spend a fortune on both.

Taggart: I don't.


Banks: I spend enough.

Ellison: Why is everyone looking over here? Shit, will I never hear the end
of it, because I'm losing my hair. Sandburg is starting to recede, do you
see me bugging him nonstop? I don't think so.
Simon: We were talking about you being a neat freak and taking things to the cleaners.

@@@
When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall on every shot
of someone crying.

Brown: Amen

Rafe: Amen

Taggart: Well, if it's a good film, I might stay for awhile.

Banks: Amen to what Brown and Rafe said.

Ellison: I don't stall, I just like to hear what I might have missed out on.
Besides Sandburg usually has the remote.
Everyone bursts out laughing!

@@@
A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.

Brown: (Giggles)

Rafe: I hate that.

Taggart: I have one of them.

Banks: I'm getting one.

Ellison: If you want sex bad enough, you won't notice anything.

@@@
You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around everywhere you go.

Brown: Amen.

Rafe: Hey, a person has to have things when he goes somewhere. It's all part
of life.

Taggart: I agree with Rafe.

Banks: You sound like a bunch of women.

Ellison: Hey, you just insulted Sandburg. Take it back, Simon.

@@@
You understand why the movie "Stripes" is funny.

Brown: Yup

Rafe: Yup

Taggart: I thought it was pretty funny.

Banks: I thought it was hysterical.

Ellison: Blair won't let me watch it anymore.

Rafe: You are such a pussy.

@@@
You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

Brown: hee hee

Rafe: hee hee is right.

Taggart: I can only think of two people that go to the restroom together.

Banks: Taggart, this is our workplace. Let's keep this clean.

Ellison: Hey I resemble that remark.

@@@
The garage is all yours.

Brown: Yup

Rafe: Yup

Taggart: Yup

Banks: Yup

Ellison: I don't have a garage. I have a storage room, that Blair lets me
keep stuff in, but other than that, I don't have anything like that. What?
What did I say? Why are you all looking at me like that?

Banks: You are whipped. Stop it.

@@@
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Brown: They give credit?

Rafe: I didn't know that.

Taggart: I did. I knew that one.

Banks: That's why I'm not married anymore.

Ellison: Well, I get extra credit for a lot of things, from Sandburg. What?
Why are you still looking at me?

@@@
You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.

Brown: Yup

Rafe: It takes me about an hour to get everything done, what of it?

Taggart: 10 minutes here too.

Simon: Ditto

Ellison: What takes you all so long? (Snickering.)

@@@
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your
friend.

Brown: If I got forgotten for a poker night, I would feel really bad.

Rafe: I would too.

Taggart: Ditto

Banks: Same here.

Ellison: Hey, did I remember to ask you guys to come by for Poker on Saturday
night? I thought not. Sorry. Well, don't forget.

@@@
Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.

Brown: Yup

Rafe: Hardly.

Taggart: Why, how much do yours cost?

Rafe: Hell I've paid more than ten bucks for one pair of boxers.

Banks: We could have gone all night long without hearing that.

Ellison: What kind did you buy? And where did you get them?

Banks: Oh for gods sake.

@@@
The National College Cheer leading Championship.

Brown: yup

Rafe: yup

Taggart: yup

Banks: yup

Ellison: I kind of like the guy they usually have on the squad. I was
kidding, stop throwing things at me.

@@@
You don't have to shave below your neck.

Brown: Yeah, right.

Rafe: Yeah, right.

Taggart: You guys have to shave elsewhere?

Banks: Yeah, ditto what Taggart just asked?

Ellison: Nair is a lot easier for a lot of hard to reach places. Hey, stop
throwing things. I can't believe you stooped to throwing things, Simon.

Simon: Then shut up.

@@@
If you're 34 and single nobody notices.

Brown: Bullshit. My mom does.

Rafe: Bullshit, everyone asks me if I'm gay. No offense, Jim.

Taggart: No one has asked me that.

Banks: Joel I think they figure you and I are just set in our ways.

Ellison: Nobody notices about me.

Simon: Ellison, are you always this unaware? Everyone knows you are soooo
married.


@@@
Everything on your face stays its original color.

Brown: Amen

Rafe: Amen

Taggart: Amen

Banks: Amen

Ellison: Fuck, we all agree on this one? Amen.

@@@
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.

Brown: Amen

Rafe: Amen

Taggart: Amen

Banks: Amen

Ellison: This is like the twilight zone here. Amen.

@@@
Flowers fix everything.

Brown: Bullshit

Rafe: Bullshit

Taggart: They do sometimes.

Banks: I never really tried.

Ellison: Bullshit.

Banks: Ellison, didn't you just send flowers to Sandburg last week and didn't
you tell me the makeup sex was awesome?

Ellison: Why not tell everyone, Simon?

Banks: Sorry, I got carried away here. Sorry.


@@@

You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

Brown: Yup

Rafe: Yup

Taggart: Yup

Banks: Well, I know that Jim wouldn't let Sandburg wear one to a waterpark
because he wouldn't be able to concentrate.

Ellison: When did this become, let's make fun of Jim day?

Simon: About 30 minutes ago.

@@@
Three pair of shoes is more than enough.

Brown: Yup

Rafe: Never

Taggart: Yup

Banks: Never

Ellison: Blair makes me have different kinds to go with different outfits.

Brown: Ellison, guys don't wear outfits and if you do, you're gay.

Ellison: But I am gay, asshole.

@@@
Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.

Brown: Amen

Rafe: I kind of like him.

Taggart: I hate him.

Banks: Who is he?

Ellison: Rafe you like Michael Bolten? I've never met a straight man that
liked him.

Rafe: What the fuck do you mean by that, Ellison?

@@@
Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.

Brown: Well, usually, but sometimes we feel bad telling nasty jokes around
Sandburg.

Ellison: Wait a minute. Blair has a great sense of humor. You're saying you
stop telling jokes around him? That pisses me off.

Banks: Well, Jim we stop telling them around you too.

Ellison: Fuck all of ya.

Taggart: That's what we're afraid of.

Rafe: I think you're all sick.

Ellison: They are all sick.

Rafe: I met you gays.

Simon: Good one, Rafe.

@@@
You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.

Brown: Yup

Rafe: Yup

Taggart: Well, I really don't feel that great about my body right now.

Banks: I need to take some of this weight off.

Ellison: What did you say about a whip? What? Stop throwing things at me.

@@@
Auto mechanics tell you the truth.

Brown: That's why we bring Jim along.

Rafe: Ditto.

Taggart: Jim does seem to know an awful lot about cars.

Banks: He has some knowledge of them and the people that deal with us.

Ellison: You're all so full of shit. You know that I'm a Sentinel. Stop
trying to act like you don't know.

@@@
You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even
thinking, "He must be mad at me."

Brown: Now this one I have to argue with. If Rafe doesn't talk to me, I know
he's mad at me. It's a partner thing.

Rafe: Agreed. It's a partner thing.

Taggart: Yeah, I partner with Conner a lot and I feel the same way with her.

Banks: Well, I don't agree with any of you. I would prefer if you all didn't
talk to me. Including this stupid survey.

Ellison: I think it's a partner thing.

Brown: Ellison, you are so full of shit. With you, it's a I have to fuck
Sandburg thing.

@@@
You get to jump up and slap stuff.

Brown: I don't get this one.

Rafe: I don't either.

Taggart: Me either.

Banks: Have you ever seen any of us slap anything?

Ellison: Guys, guys, guys. Do I have to remind you of how we jump up and
slap each other's asses and hands during games. Oh yeah, that's me and Sandburg, sorry.

@@@
One mood, all the time.

Brown: Yup

Rafe: Yup

Taggart: Not true, I am a man of many moods.

Banks: Joel, you sound like Jim now.

Ellison: Hey, quit picking on the gay guy. And stop picking on Joel.

Taggart: Thanks, Jim.

@@@
You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.

Brown: yup

Rafe: I don't get this one.

Taggart: You wouldn't, you're as thin as Eastwood is.

Banks: It's not as easy for us bigger guys.

Ellison: I wouldn't want to be skinny.

@@@
You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.

Brown: I bet Ellison knows 20 ways.

Rafe: I bet he does too.

Taggart: Why would a person need 20 ways to open a bottle?

Banks: Jim, tell us, how many do you know?

Ellison: Two. One for twisting the cap off and the other way is using a bottle opener.


Rafe: Well that was a disappointment.


@@@
You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.

Brown: Yup

Rafe: Not always.

Taggart: I agree with Rafe.

Banks: Ellison I think you're corrupting the others in the bullpen.

Ellison: Hey, stop picking on the gay guy. I can sit any way I like. If you don't like looking at the bulge in my pants, sometimes, tough.

Banks: I knew that was coming.

Ellison: Don't mention coming, the gay guy, might go crazy.

@@@
Gray hair and wrinkles add character.

Brown: Yeah, right.

Rafe: Oh yeah, I believe that.

Taggart: It might be true.

Banks: You just keep living in that bubble, Joel.

Ellison: Hey I've had no complaints.

Banks: Jim, you aren’t gray.

Ellison: But I do have wrinkles. Wanna see em?

Everyone: NO!!!

@@@
You don't mooch off others' desserts.

Brown: I do this sometimes.

Rafe: I never do.

Taggart: I do this all the time.

Banks: I've done it a couple of times.

Ellison: What are you all fags?

@@@
The remote is yours and yours alone.

Brown: We all know who is the keeper of the remote at the Ellison-Sandburg
house.

Rafe: Sandburg is the boss there.

Taggart: He makes great food too.

Banks: Taggart, what the hell does food have to do with the remote?

Taggart: Who cares? He makes fantastic food. I love it.

Ellison: Fuck you all.

Banks: Do you kiss Sandburg with that mouth?

@@@
ESPN's Sports Center.

Brown: Fave show.

Rafe: I like it when I'm in the mood.

Taggart: I love this show.

Banks: I swear that Rafe is starting to act more like Sandburg every day.
Are we certain it isn't catching?

Ellison: I love Sports Center too, and I don't think that being annoying is
catching.

@@@
Bachelor parties rule over bridal showers.

Brown: I wouldn't know.

Rafe: I wouldn't know.

Taggart: I could care less.

Banks: Me too.

Ellison: And you think I'm gay?

@@@
You don't need to pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.

Brown: I like to say, I'm taking a piss.

Rafe: I say, I'm draining the dew off the lily.

Taggart: I don't say anything, I just go.

Banks. Drain the dew off the fucking lily?

Ellison: Sir, you want to take back some of those gay remarks about me, now?

@@@
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become
life long buddies.

Brown: Like I would notice.

Rafe: I would die.

Taggart: I could care less.

Banks: Rafe, I think we might need to talk.

Ellison: Simon, you going to let up on the remarks for a while now?

@@@
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

Brown: Sure.

Rafe: Never.

Taggart: I think it's a bodily function.

Banks: I try not to be rude but sometimes can't help it.

Ellison: I try to do it, to piss Blair off.

@@@
You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.

Brown: I don't care to remember.

Rafe: I keep it all on my calendar.

Taggart: I try to remember all important dates. Speaking of that Jim, did
you remember to pick up those flowers for Blair?

Banks: Jesus, now you're helping him remember things, Taggart?

Ellison: Yes Simon. This is what real friends do. And yes, I didn’t remember, Joel. Thank you.

@@@
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything
different?"

Brown: I hate when someone asks that.

Rafe: I usually notice before a person asks.

Taggart: So do I.

Banks: Oh god, I need to talk to two of them now, Ellison. You've ruined the
whole bunch.

Ellison: Fuck you, sir.

@@@
Baywatch.

Brown: Can you say, Wow?

Rafe: I can and I do. Wow.

Taggart: I even like this show.

Banks: Babewatch. Love it.

Ellison: I love it too. I hated when David Hasselhoff left the show though.
He was so good in it. And we loved to watch him run across the beach. What?
I knew you all expected that of me. I'm just saying what you think the gay
guy should say. I love to watch the babes too. That better?

Banks: Much.

@@@
There is always a game on somewhere.

Brown: Amen

Rafe: Amen

Taggart: Amen

Banks: Amen

Ellison: You're all gay.


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Tags: jokes
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