pattrose (pattrose) wrote,

Some jokes and stuff...

Simon: The gene pool could use a little chlorine. (About life in general)

Blair: Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. (He truly believes this)

Henri: Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. (I'm just saying)

Joel: We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART? (Who hasn't thought this one?)

Connor: What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free? (This is one confused Aussie)

Rafe: Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Blair: You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!

Jim or Simon: Don't get me mad! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies!

Simon: Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

Connor: Grow your own dope, plant a man.

Joel and Jim: (It was a toss up) Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

Rafe: WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

Jim: So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.

Blair: Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.


Some from Sullivan's Pub

But everybody looks funny naked!

Brown: I've never said this, like this would get you to any base at all. Don't know if it's ever been said about me. Boy, I hope not.

Rafe: Never said it. Never had it said about me.

Joel: Does it count if I've ever said, I don't look that great naked?

Simon: Joel, we could all live without thinking about that. I've never said it or had it said about me.

Jim: I've never said this, that I remember anyhow. And to my knowledge, it's not been said about me.

Blair: Well, does it count if we thought it?

All of the guys and Conner looked at Blair oddly, then they looked over at Jim. Blair saw this and said, "No, I don't mean I say it to Jim. I just meant in general.

Conner: I think we should move on to the next one.


You woke me up for that?

Brown: Nope, if they said this I'd kick their ass.

Rafe: I had someone complain to me once, do I have to say who and what was said?

Conner: Only if you feel comfortable telling us about it.

Simon: I don’t want to hear it.

Joel: No, I've never had it said about me either.

Simon: I don't understand the question. Wake you up for sex? Is that what they're asking? Stop laughing at me, Conner. Am I close?

Jim: No, no one has said that lately.

Blair: No one had better be saying that to you lately, or I'll kick 'your' ass.

Conner: Next one is up.


Did I mention the video camera?

Brown: Shit, no! I would never do anything that sleazy.

Rafe: Why do you think that's sleazy?

Brown: Shit, Rafe, please tell me you don't videotape your sexual conquests.

Rafe: All right, I won't tell you.

Joel: I don't even let anyone near me with a camera if I have my shirt off.

Simon: Again, Joel, we don't need that visual in our heads.

Jim: Hey, Joel, don't worry, I've felt that way from time to time.

Blair: You want to take pictures of Joel with his shirt off?

Jim: Fuck you, Sandburg.

Blair: Later, Jim. Not here.

Simon: Are we going to get on with this or what?

Conner: I've never seen such goofy men in my life. Just answer the damn questions or we'll be here all damn nightlong.


(In a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...

Brown: Nope, never have done it in a closet. Guess that would be for the gay guys.

Rafe: Good one, Brown. Hey, Jim, you guys ever done it in the closet?

Jim: As a matter of fact, there aren't many places we don't do it, shit head.

Blair: Jim, calm down. No, we've never done it in the closet... yet.

Simon: Joel, what do you think about this one?

Joel: I've done it in a closet once. When I was younger. Now I might have a harder time. I need more room to move around.

Jim: All right, now what do you have to say to that Brown?

Brown: Joel, was it a guy?

Joel: No, it was a woman.

Rafe: Well, so much for that theory.

Jim: Simon, you never said yes or no.

Simon: Yes, I've done it in a closet.

Conner: Gentlemen. I don't want you to think I don't appreciate all of this but I think what they wondered is, did you ever say, "How about doing it in the closet?"

Brown: Hell I've asked, they just wouldn't do it.

Rafe: Yeah, same here.

Simon: I give up. You mean to say I didn't have to admit to anything before now?

Jim: But, Simon, it's nice to know that our boss not only asked but also had his way with a woman in a closet.

Simon: Shut up, Jim.

Jim: Yes, sir.

Blair: Does it count if you're thinking about asking someone?

Jim: You had better be talking about me.

Blair: Get a grip, Ellison. Of course, it’s going to be you.

Joel: I might think about it, too.

Conner: Okay, so we all found out that, you don't have to be gay to want to have sex in the closet. That's a good thing. Jim, now they can't tease you about this. Next question, okay? Have you ever said this?


Try breathing through your nose.

Brown: Hell, I've wanted to say that many times, but no, I've never said it.

Rafe: No, I've never thought to ask that. If they can't breathe right, you're not doing it right.

Brown: Are you saying I don't know how to do it right?

Rafe: Henry, of course I'm not saying that. I have no idea if you do it right.

Simon: Gentlemen, you're supposed to answer the fucking question and move on. My answer is, no, I've never said that.

Joel: I would never think of saying that.

Jim: Actually, I think I have said it.

Blair: Yes, you have.

Simon: All right, that's too fucking much information. We don't want to hear about everyone's sex life.

Jim: For your information, Simon, Blair and I weren't having sex. He was in pain once and I told him to do that.

Blair: And if you believe that, I have some swamp land to sell cheap.

Joel: Good one, Sandburg.

Blair: Thanks, Joel. He did ask me to do that one night.

Simon: Sandburg. Please.

Conner: Okay, guys, we're just speeding right along, aren't we? Next question is have you ever said this when getting caught up in the moment?


A little rug burn never hurt anyone!

Brown: Shit, I bet Ellison says this to Hairboy all the time.

Rafe: Good one, Henry.

Jim: How the fuck would you know what we say or don't say to each other?

Blair: Jim, they're kidding. Get a grip.

Simon: Ellison, it was a joke.

Joel: I have to agree with Jim. I don't think it was a nice thing to say.

Jim: Thanks, Joel. I knew I could count on someone to agree with me. Too bad it wasn't the person I thought I would hear it from.

Blair: Ellison, get a sense of humor.

Conner: Moving on to the next one, have any of you ever said this or asked this of anyone?


Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?

Brown: I heard Ellison say that to Hairboy the other day when they were in the restroom.

Jim: Fuck you, Brown. I'm going to kick the shit out of you if you don't knock it off with the slutty gay jokes.

Brown: Ooohhhh, I'm really scared.

Rafe: I seem to have heard it once from Ellison in interrogation room 3.

Jim: Fuck you, too, Rafe.

Rafe: Not in this life time, Ellison.

Simon: Gentlemen, do I have to put you in separate rooms for this?

Joel: Brown and Rafe, you owe Jim an apology.

Blair: Wait a minute! What about me?

Jim: Face it, Sandburg, you're laughing about all of it. None of this bothers you anyhow.

Blair: You're going to get it later.

Simon: We don't want to hear this.

Blair: Simon, I was talking about kicking his ass.

Simon: Oh.

Jim: Where's it written that since you all found out we're gay you can make jokes at our expense?

Brown: We don't do it to Sandburg. He has a sense of humor.

Rafe: Yeah, what Henry says.

Jim: Fuck both of you.

Brown and Rafe: Not a chance.

Conner: Okay, guys. Settle down. This is going really well. This tells me a lot about all of your personalities. Now have any of you said this next one?


Person 1: This is your first time..right? Person 2: Yeah.. today

Brown: Nope, I've never asked that. So, the second part would be no, too.

Rafe: Yeah, I've asked it, but she just said, no.

Blair: Oh Rafe, were you disappointed?

Rafe: Shut up, Sandburg.

Jim: Don't tell him to shut up. He has as much right to talk as you do, if not more. At least, what he says makes sense.

Blair: Jim, I don't need you sticking up for me.

Simon: Jim, answer the question.

Jim: Yes, I've asked it.

Simon: And the second part?

Jim: Geeze, I think this survey's stupid. The person said yes.

Joel: Oh that's so sweet, Jim. I like that you shared that with us.

Rafe: I don't. Holy shit! Sandburg was a virgin.

Blair: He wasn't talking about me.

Brown: Yeah, right.

Rafe: Now, Ellison, did they mean, yes, they were a virgin, or yeah, today?

Brown: Oh, good one, Rafe.

Jim: Assholes.

Rafe: Speaking of assholes...

Jim: Fuck you, Rafe.

Rafe: I told you no way. Simon, are you listening to him threaten me?

Simon: Rafe, if I was him, I'd kill you and bury the body.

Rafe: Thanks, sir.

Brown: Hairboy, what about you?

Blair: Yeah, I've asked it. They didn't say, yeah, today, but they did say yeah.

Joel: Blair, that's so sweet.

Blair: What about you, Joel?

Joel: I've never asked it. Sorry.

Conner: Well, that went well. Now have any of you asked this next one?


Wanna meet in the No Tell Motel? Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!

Brown: Oh yeah, I've said this one.

Jim: You would. You're such an ass.

Rafe: Oh, like you've never said this, Ellison.

Jim: I haven't.

Joel: I haven't either, Jim.

Jim: I wouldn't have believed it of you, either, Joel.

Simon: I might have asked it a few times when I was young.

Blair: I've asked it many times.

Jim: Sandburg, why don't you just tell them what a slut you were.

Blair: Are, Jim. Are.

Rafe: Woo Hoo, Sandburg, something you want to share with us.

Blair: Fuck you, Rafe.

Conner: We're getting off the subject again, fellas. Let's try to stay focused so we can all go home. How about this next one?


Can you please pass me the remote control?

Brown: Nope, never said that one.

Rafe: Hell, I don't even know where my remote is.

Joel: I would never choose a remote over a good woman.

Simon: I might have.

Jim: I really don't think I've said this one. Chief, stop laughing.

Blair: Jim, you say this all the time.

Rafe: How about you, Sandburg?

Blair: Nope, I've never thought about the remote control during or after sex.

Brown: Oh shit, is that what the question meant. Well, then, yeah, I've said that a few times.

Rafe: Me, too.

Simon: Me, too.

Joel: I still haven't.

Jim: I guess I have.

Blair: You had better own up to it.

Rafe: You're so whipped, Ellison.

Brown: We know who takes over the remote control in your house.

Jim: Fuck you both.

Rafe and Brown: Not a chance.

Conner: Okay, let's move on to the next one.


Conner: Have you ever asked a partner to use something from the kitchen? Like peanut butter? Something like that?

Brown: Yup. I ask, they won't.

Rafe: I've talked a few people into using things.

Joel: Yes, I've done this. What? Why's everyone staring at me?

Simon: No, I never have.

Jim: Yeah, I have.

Brown: Sandburg, spill, what did you use?

Rafe: Come on, Hairboy, you know you want to share. We can see how pissed off you are at him.

Jim: Blair, don't you dare.

Blair: I wasn't going to tell them anything about your fettish for chocolate sauce. So don't worry.

Jim: Sandburg...

Blair: What???

Conner: Guys, we're getting close to the end. So let's finish. Have any of you guys said this to your partner, lover or whatever?


Conner: Have you ever asked this? And if you did, what was the reaction.

You're good enough to do this for a living!

Brown: Do I look stupid?

Jim: As a matter of fact…

Brown: Fuck you, Ellison.

Jim: You wish.

Brown: Gross.

Rafe: I've never asked this.

Joel: I haven't either.

Simon: Good, this is going smoothly. I've never said it either.

Blair: Nope, never said it. Thought it though.

Rafe: Sandburg, shut up. Don't even go there.

Jim: I've never said it.

Tags: jokes

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