Summary: Jim is keeping a diary. He wishes he could talk to his best friend, but Blair is the main star in his diary.
Warnings: The boys are stupid. Can that be a warning?
Word Count: 3,869
Jim lay on his bed and wrote in his diary. Most people called it a journal, but Jim called it his diary. It was his way of recording how he felt about one Blair Sandburg. He had been keeping said diary for the last two months and it wasn’t making him feel much better. In fact, maybe quite the opposite was happening. Jim was in love with Blair and he knew he couldn’t tell the babe magnet anything about it. So instead he just continued to write in his diary.
Its colder then hell and all the cold does is remind me of how badly I want Blair to be in my bed warming me up. I know it’ll never happen, but I love to think about how he would warm me up. I’m sure he would be very good with his mouth, tongue and hands. I’m getting hard just imagining it. I’ll be damned. I’m warming up just thinking about him. This is going to work out well. Now in the summer time, this won’t work because it’ll make me too hot. That’s Blair Sandburg for you, making a person too hot.
All day long, I watched Blair as he filed most of the paperwork we had to get done. I didn’t help. I was too busy Sandburg watching. He’s gorgeous. His lips are perfect. Perfect, I tell ya. He’s got an ass I would give up a lot of things for. Too bad he doesn’t swing this way or I’d be asking him out like yesterday. He’s so hot to look at that I can’t even concentrate when he’s in the room any longer. I’ve got to get over that, because I can’t be zoning on his ass some day and have him discover what I zoned on.
Did I mention how good he looks in jeans? You can see the outline of his penis through the thin jean material in his old worn jeans. It looks like a mighty fine penis if you ask me. No one is asking me, but this is my book, I can put whatever I want in it. I think he has a fine penis. I’ve never seen him naked before, so I’m just guessing, but I have quite the imagination.
Tonight he made a quick dinner before he went out on his date. He said he didn’t want me starving. I don’t tell him that I was feeding myself long before he came along. Instead I stand in the kitchen and keep him company while he fixes me a meal. I love being around him. No wonder he always has dates. He’s a very popular fellow. But I don’t understand why no one snaps him up to marry him. That boggles my mind. He’s funny, cute, handsome, funny, cute, sexy, delicious, funny, oh did I say that already? Well he’s all of that and I just don’t get these women that date him. Don’t they see it? Don’t they want to be with him for more then a week at a time? He never dates anyone for more then a week, so maybe he doesn’t like being with anyone that long. In that case I’m glad we’re not a couple because I would have to kick his ass if he was with someone else while dating me. I don’t share well. I don’t share, period.
I find myself wondering what he thinks of me. I mean, I know he likes me. He tells me he loves me as a friend and I believe it. But does he think I’m easy on the eyes? What the hell am I talking about? I’m not a woman. That’s what Blair is interested in these days, not an over the hill cop.
Time to get ready for bed. I’ll try and write more tomorrow. We’ll see how it goes. If you’re wondering, I’m still in love with Blair Sandburg and I probably will be till the end of time.
Jim closed his book and put it in his night stand. He knew it was safe because Blair never came upstairs for anything. He sure as hell wouldn’t be looking in Jim’s nightstand.
Jim climbed under the covers and thought about whacking off, but decided against it. It almost seemed unfair to Blair. Jim shouldn’t be using him while he’s living in his house. Jim pulled the covers up tight against his chin, keeping the cold at bay and finally fell asleep listening for Blair to come home from his date.
When Jim got up the next morning, Blair was making breakfast and didn’t look too happy.
“Hey Chief, what’s wrong?” Jim asked.
“Sometimes I just hate women. They’re more of a pain then anything. Don’t you agree?” Blair inquired.
Jim smiled and said, “Why yes, I do agree. What’s going on?”
“I’ve been dating this woman for five days and she wanted to know if we should get promise rings for each other. Jim, that’s like being engaged. I don’t like her enough to be engaged. Know what I mean?” Blair vented.
“Yes, I do know what you mean. Maybe she thought you were more serious then you were. You might have given off different vibes, making her think she was getting somewhere with you. You can’t really blame her Chief. You’ve done nothing but pay attention to her for the last five days. She probably thought you were serious,” Jim explained.
“You’re kidding? If that’s the case, I won’t date more then two nights in a row from now on. For Christ’s sake, I don’t’ want to get married and have a family right now. I want to have fun. Do you think I’m wrong?”
“Chief, there are all sorts of different kinds of fun. Maybe you should try something else now and then and not let them think you’re too serious from now on.”
“You’re right. You wanna go to the Jags game tonight? I have two tickets,” Blair asked.
“You have two tickets and you’re going to take me?” Jim asked, somewhat surprised.
“Yeah, you and I haven’t done anything in a long while. I’ve missed you,” Blair confessed.
Jim couldn’t help but smile. “I would love to go to the game tonight. Let’s just hope Simon doesn’t give us anything that will interfere with it.”
Blair smiled and said, “Chest bump time.”
Jim laughed and bumped his chest up against Blair’s and both men took off in opposite directions. Jim was so happy he could hardly think. If he had been thinking, he wouldn’t have gotten so excited. Things tend to bite you in the ass when you do that.
When they got to the station, Jim started on paperwork right away and Simon walked up to his desk and said, “Ellison, my office.”
Jim looked at Blair and knew this wasn’t going to be good. He tried to smile and look brave, but he wanted to whimper the whole way into Simon’s office. He knocked and walked in.
“What’s up, Simon?”
“Jim, Vice needs you tonight and I told them you would be glad to do it. We owe them big after there help in the Belson case. Right?”
“Right. What do they need? Could we switch it to tomorrow night. I had plans tonight,” Jim complained.
“I just know you’re not whining to your Captain. First of all, the job comes first and you know it. Next Vice hasn’t asked for anything in a long, long while. So we should consider ourselves lucky. They need you as a decoy at a gay bar. They need someone big that can take care of himself without backup right next to him. So are you with them?” Simon questioned.
“Yeah, I’m in. What time?” Jim asked sighing.
“Jim, they didn’t have to help us with our last case and they did. They didn’t complain, so I expect you to do the same. Besides you can get a date anytime,” Simon barked.
“It wasn’t a date, sir. I was going to a game with Sandburg. He had good seats. Well, he still has good seats.” Jim said.
“Better go home and get some rest, Jim. They need you in Vice at 7:00 tonight until about 2:00 a.m. So get some rest. I’ll take your place at the Jags game with Sandburg. Now go,” Simon shoved Jim out the door and said, “Sandburg, my office.”
Blair looked a little worried but saw Jim smile and knew everything would be fine. Jim sat down at his desk and listened to the two of them talk fast and hard. Simon was very eager to go with Sandburg, but Sandburg thought he should be going with Jim. Then Simon explained that he would have numerous people working with him that night and there was no reason for the two of them to miss the game. Blair finally decided that it would be all right and Simon told him he’d pick him up at 6:00 that night.
Jim was ready to punch someone. Namely Simon Banks. How dare him hone in on his date. Oh yeah, Blair didn’t know it was a date.
Jim got ready to go and said, “Blair, I have to sleep some this afternoon, so I’ll see you later tonight. Have fun at the game.”
“Thanks, man. It’s going to be a blast. You be careful and don’t do anything foolish. If you don’t come home too late, I’ll talk to you then,” Blair stated.
“Okay, talk to you tonight, Chief.” Jim took off and went down to pick up his truck. He remembered that he drove and Blair was going to be stuck without a driver and was going to call and remind Blair of this when he decided that turn about was fair play.
Jim smiled evilly all the way to his truck.
Jim napped for about two hours and then got up and took a good long shower. He was ready for the undercover job when he realized he still had enough time to write in his diary.
He walked back upstairs and sat on his bed, pulled the diary out and began to page through until he came to the last page he’d written in.
As usual, Blair doesn’t know I’m alive. He quickly forgot about us enjoying the game as soon as he found out he was going with Simon. Oh all right, he probably didn’t plan it. He doesn’t have that much control over Vice or Simon.
We would have had a good time tonight. I wish I didn’t have to do the undercover thing. First of all, I hate gay bars. They remind me of everything I can’t have. Cops don’t hang out in gay bars. This will be my one and only chance. Maybe I’ll meet someone. Yeah, right…
I wish I had someone to talk to about this. Normally I would talk to Blair, but since it’s about him, I can’t do that even if he is a great listener.
I’m going to miss him tonight. I like working with him, so working with strangers will give me an odd feeling. We’re so comfortable together that it’s easier to work with him then anyone.
I hope he has a good time at the game tonight and I hope that I get to come home early enough to hear all about the game. As I said before, I’m going to miss him.
When Jim arrived at Vice, they were all waiting for him. He was wearing a skin tight pair of blue jeans and a tight black tee shirt. One of the Vice guys whistled at Jim and made him blush.
“Man, he blushes and everything,” Carter said laughing.
Jim glared at him and said, “I thought this was an assignment, not a joke on Jim Ellison. You told me to dress accordingly so I did. Is this not the right attire?”
Captain Dixon said, “If you looked any better I’d jump you myself.”
They all laughed but Jim. He didn’t think it was funny. He wanted to get this out of the way.
“There is a dude picking up well built guys and beating the shit out of them, so the only thing we can figure out is he’s bigger then they are. None of the men will testify. So we have nothing to go on. But we can’t have patrons attacked on the property every single night. So we just need you to go in and drink something and wait for him to come to you,” Captain Dixon said.
“I’m ready, sir,” Jim answered.
“We’re going to be around, but nothing like close by. That would scare him off. He would place us as cops first thing. So you’re on your own, Ellison. Can you handle it?” Dixon asked.
Jim drove over to the gay bar and thought about the case the entire way. What if the guy was smaller then the men that were attacked? What if that’s why they didn’t want to describe him to the cops? Jim figured that he would keep his eye out for smaller or large men. It wouldn’t make a difference.
Jim leaned on the bar and took a swig of his Dr. Pepper and wished he was home or at least at the game right then.
At that moment, a nice looking man about Blair’s size walked up to him and said, “You don’t look that happy.”
“I’m not. I’m missing the game, but I felt like getting out and seeing some fresh new faces. But I think the game could have been a better choice,” Jim said. Jim knew how to play hard to get.
“What do you do for a living, big guy?” the man asked.
“I’m not here to talk, I’m here to dance and fuck,” Jim answered.
“Let’s dance.” He took Jim’s hand and led him out onto the floor. Jim knew right then that he had the right man. He was strong as an ox. His grip almost made Jim flinch. Almost being the key word.
They danced two fast dances and then a slow one. Jim found himself getting hard rubbing up against this man. Even if it was the guy, he was still good looking. Jim didn’t want to scare him off but he needed to move this up a little bit.
Jim whispered in his ear, “Wanna fuck?”
“As a matter of fact, I do,” The man pulled Jim behind him and they went out the front door. He pushed Jim over to the side of the building where no one parked and began to kiss him. Jim kissed him back and wondered when this guy was going to make his move.
Just then he flipped Jim onto the pavement. Jim wasn’t expecting him to do that. The guy was small, but mighty. Jim was going to have a hard time getting control of him. Then he kicked Jim was he was down on the ground. Jim got up as quickly as he could and started to punch him. This guy was well trained in Karate or Judo, one or the other and he had the upper hand so far. Every time Jim punched him, the guy just kept dancing around. He wasn’t even tired. Jim was winded already and wondered if anyone inside had seen them come out.
Jim also knew why these guys weren’t pressing charges against anyone, it would seem unmanly to admit this little shit beat the crap out of them.
Jim was tired of waiting for backup, so he kicked it into high gear. Now he was going to show this man what he knew how to do. First thing he did was slug him right in the throat. The man went down very quickly. Then Jim kicked him and punched him again. He wasn’t getting up this time.
Around the corner came Carter and Nelson and they said, “Hey, do you want us to leave for a while, Ellison?”
“This guy is strong as an ox, don’t turn your back on him for anything,” Jim warned.
They cuffed him quickly and Jim said, “I’m telling ya, the cuffs won’t matter. He’s strong and he’s fucking fast.”
The three men walked him over to Carter’s car and put him in the back seat. “You did a good job, Ellison. Thanks.”
“You’re welcome, Carter. It was pretty easy. Not the fighting part, but the finding him part. I would guess he hates fags and this is his way of getting rid of them,” Jim suggested.
“Are you going to follow us down to the station?” Nelson asked.
“Yes, I have to finish the paperwork. Then we can call it a night,” Jim said heading to his truck. He tried not to limp in front of anyone, but that little shit had hurt him and hurt him bad.
Once the paperwork was done and the man had been put behind bars, Jim felt like he could leave. He did warn everyone about how fast he was and how good he was. They all decided that they weren’t going to put him with anyone else in his cell. They were taking no chances.
Jim found it sad that this man hated gays that much. He pretended he was gay so that he could bring the big boys out in the open. Well now he was going to find out what it was like to be around men that loved to fuck men on a daily basis.
Jim drove home and was glad to see a light still on in the loft. Maybe Blair was still up and would want to talk a little bit.
When Jim walked through, he saw Blair on the sofa making out with some babe of the week. Jim sighed and threw his jacket on the hook and then went towards the bathroom to get ready for bed. As he walked by Blair said, “Oh hey Jim. When did you get home?”
Jim decided that sex made Blair stupid.
“I just walked in the door now, Chief. I’ll be out of your way in no time at all,” Jim said as he walked into the bathroom.
Blair said, “I have to take Marcy home, so I’ll see you when I get back.”
Jim took off his shirt and Blair said, “What the hell happened to you? You’re one big bruise.”
“I caught the man in the parking lot, but not before he could do some damage to me first,” Jim explained, “now don’t worry about me. Take Marcy home and drive safe.”
Jim washed up and went up and got into bed. He pulled the diary out and started to write.
This is the second time I’ve written in the diary tonight. I finally realized that I can’t do this anymore. Blair is oblivious to my feelings and he’s easy. Why would I want to be with someone like that? I wouldn’t. He’ll probably stay the night at Marcy’s house and for that I’m grateful. If I had to listen to him with her in the loft, I would throw something through a window.
I’m in love with him, but I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to talk about him getting his own place this weekend. It isn’t fair to either of us. Especially me. I might end up not liking him anymore if he stays much longer. This will be my last entry. It’s time for me to move on.
Jim walked downstairs and put the journal at the bottom of the trash can. There was two months wasted.
Jim pulled the covers up to his neck to stay warm and never once thought about how Blair could keep him warm. He was past that now.
He went right to sleep and didn’t even hear Blair come home about an hour later. Blair walked upstairs to see if Jim was all right and saw he was sleeping soundly, so he didn’t bother him.
Blair walked downstairs feeling lonely and wished his best friend was up so he could talk to him.
In the next two days, Jim was very quiet and withdrawn. At first Blair thought it might be the fact that a little guy beat him up, but then Blair realized Jim admired the man’s fighting skills so that wasn’t it. Something was definitely up.
Jim had to go to court for the undercover case, so when Blair got off, he went home to make a nice dinner. He went to throw the food wrappers in the trash when he saw a journal hidden down at the bottom of the trash.
Why would Jim throw away a journal?
Blair pulled it out and cleaned it up and sat down to see if there was something wrong. Why else would he have thrown it away?
Blair went to the last page of the journal and was shocked. He read a few more pages since he had already violated Jim’s trust, he may as well learn all he could before he kicked the shit out of Jim.
For the last six months, Blair was careful not to date anyone too long so they wouldn’t think it was serious. Blair was in love with his roommate and couldn’t do anything about that. So he did the next best thing. To cover up his needs for Jim, he slept his way through many women. Jim called that right in the journal. No, Jim calling him easy was overkill. Stupid yes, but not easy. Jim was stupid too.
Blair threw the damn journal in the trash and waited for Jim to get home. He didn’t have that long of a wait.
Jim walked through the door and said, “Hi Chief, how was your day?”
Blair pushed him back up against the closed door and kissed him hard.
Jim didn’t fight him off, because after all, this is what Jim wanted.
Finally when both of them had to breathe, Blair pulled away from him and said, “We’re both so fucking stupid.”
“Yes, we are. Oh crap, did you find my diary?” Jim asked, dreading the answer.
“I’m sorry that you had to read it in there,” Jim said. “Wait a minute, what were you reading my diary for?”
“Because we’re both too stupid to know what was going on between us and thought each of us was the only one feeling it.”
Jim just glared at Blair until Blair said, “Do we really want to go back to square one again?”
Jim moved into Blair’s space and began to kiss him. “Just you and me, right?”
“Are you kidding? You’re questioning my loyalty to you?” Blair replied.
“No, I guess not. I love you, Blair.”
“I love you, Jim.”
“Let’s move this upstairs,” Jim said pushing Blair in that direction.
“Now who is easy?” Blair teased as he walked up the stairs.
“That would be me, but only for you, Blair.”
“That’s right. No one else’s just mine,” Blair said as he began to undress Jim.
This was going to be fun.