"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof, where nobody can retrieve it."
"Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view."
"I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it."
"Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that."
"In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem."
"On Opening Day, the President doesn’t throw OUT the first ball. He throws it IN. If he threw it out, it would land in the parking lot and someone would have to go get it."
"Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time."
"Imagine how thick Japanese people’s photo albums must be."
"Deep Throat: Think about it. There is actually a semi-important figure in American history who is named for a blow-job movie. How do school teachers handle this?"
"Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It's because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time."
"Swimming is not a sport, swimming is a way to keep from drowning! That's just common sense!"
"Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin’ ready to hang himself."
"A lot of these people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt."
"I never eat sushi. I have trouble eating things that are merely unconscious."
"The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions."
"I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary."
"How come none of these boxers seem to have a losing record?"
"Don’t you find it funny that all these tough-guy boxers are fighting over a purse?"
"The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it."
"Religion easily—has the best bullshit story of all time. Think about it. Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man...living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money."