"I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don't have as many people who believe it."
"Have you ever noticed, in traffic, anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac!"
"George Washington's brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country."
"If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?"
"If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?"
"If a Kurd, after surviving bloody battle with Saddam Hussein’s army and a long, difficult escape through the mountains, is crushed and killed by a parachute drop of humanitarian aid, that, my friend, is irony writ large." And here are some Steven Wright Quotes:
"I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes..."
"I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
"I invented the cordless extension cord."
"I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."
"I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me are furious."
"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."
"I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy."
"I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically."
"Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."
"I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums."
"A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here.""
"Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country."
"Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night."
"Babies don't need a vacation but I still see them at the beach. I'll go over to them and say, 'What are you doing here, you've never worked a day in your life!'."
"Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? "
"Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it."
"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."
"For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out."
"Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect."
"All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.""