Sentinel Jokes 3
Jim was walking along the beach at Fire Island when he stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold, out popped a gay genie, named Blair.
The Genie Blair said, "Hey Girl, wassup?"
Jim asked if he got three wishes.
"Nope, just one...due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages, third-world countries, my new pumps pinching my big toes, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...what'll it be? The complete set of Tyson Cane videos? A copy of the Marilyn Monroe Happy Birthday Mr. President sequined dress in your size with matching shoes?"
Jim shook his head 'no', and didn't hesitate. He said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."
The Genie Blair looked at the map and shrieked, "Miss Thaaaaaang, I don't think so, not in this lifetime!! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."
Jim thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man, you know, one that's considerate and fun, warm and affectionate, gorgeous, is well endowed, only wants sex from me, doesn't do drugs or drink too much, has a great job with a good income, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, and gets along with my family, wants to watch sports all the time, and tells me I always look fabulous, and is great in bed. That's what I wish for... the perfect guy to have as my lover."
The Genie Blair let out a long sigh, clutched his hand to his heart and said, "Oh Miss Thang... let me see that map again."
Four men went golfing together one day; three headed to the first tee and William Ellison went into the club house to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he''s so successful that he gave a friend a new home - for free."
The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He''s so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs."
The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, "My son is a stock broker and he''s doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."
William joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" William replied, "Well, my son is gay. I'm not totally thrilled about it, but he must be good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio."
Megan Conner had just purchased her dream car, a new BMW convertible, and was having trouble tuning her radio to a station she wanted. She returned to the BMW dealership and confronted the salesman, complaining about the radio.
"Miss," the salesperson said, "this is a very sophisticated radio. There is no requirement to use the buttons or dials. You merely give voice commands to whatever type of program you desire."
So after she received her instructions, she headed out on the highway.
"Country Music," she said, and instantly Garth Brooks was singing away on a country station. After a while she said, "Oldies," and instantly she heard Fats Domino singing "Blueberry Hill."
A few minutes later, a woman in a new Cadillac cut her off in traffic.
"Stupid, inconsiderate bitch!" she yelled. The radio paused for a second, and then she heard, "Hello again and welcome back to the program. This is Dr. Laura."
Are you disillusioned by your lifestyle? Do you want more from life besides monster truck shows? Do Budweiser commercials confuse you? Are you tired of being a year behind in fashion? Do you wish you had a nice apartment like the ones you see on "Will & Grace"?
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* How to decorate with frills and throw pillows to brighten up any room!
* Essential Madonna and Cher records to own
* That tongue trick invented circa 1978 in some alley in NYC
* Ricky Martin's fan club address
* Style and grooming tips NO self respecting gay would be without (hope you're not too attached to that uni-brow)
* How to wear a G-string with poise and dignity (we'll insert a few bucks to get you started)
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Learn important historical dates, like: the year Donna Summer won her first Grammy, Barbra's wedding anniversary, and the day Judy died!
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Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 7.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected drama processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Amateur Strip Night 10.3, Circuit Party 40.2, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Afternoon Gym Watch 5.0, and Sunday Tea Dance 2.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can not seem to keep Husband 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Boyfriend 7.0, but the un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me? Please!!!
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 7.0 to Husband 1.0 with the idea that Husband 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Husband 1.0 and still convert back to Boyfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 7.0 to emulate Husband 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You can not go back to Boyfriend 7.0 because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Boyfriend 8.0 or Husband 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system.
Look in your manual under "Warnings - Palimony/Bitter Queens." I recommend you keep Husband 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGISE. In any case avoid excessive use of the Esc key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGISE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Husband 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0, Clothes 10.2, Toys 4.5, or Car 20.5. Do not, under any circumstances, install GymBuddyWithBody 3.3. This is not a supported application for Husband 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system. Best of luck.
One day in the great forest, a magical frog was hopping down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance, today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner, and they passed by the frog.
The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you are the only two animals I have ever seen, I will grant you both three wishes... Bear, you go first."
The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female.
For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on.
The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.
It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."
Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine.
The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.
For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."
The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said "I wish that the bear was gay..."
6 REASONS TINKY WINKY CAN'T BE GAY
Blair and Rafe discuss Tinky Winky.
1. The Purse doesn't match the shoes. Purple AND Red, I mean really, clash-o-rama.
2. He's kinda obese. Everybody knows that gay men (especially public figures) are in terrific shape. Bit too much pudding, Tink?
3. That headpiece. A gold star for its FABULOUS height, but it really doesn't have much in the way of frills, its just a triangle. It absolutely demands bugle beads, or something lacey.
4. He hangs out in a meadow. Not a bush or tree in sight. A bit too daring for anything but the quickest quickie.
5. He's a really bad dancer.
6. The name Tinky Winky. I don't know a gay man on the planet who would go with a name like that.... HELLO, it screams "I'm small down there and I don't care who knows it."