Summary: Jayne is left alone to think about what he's done. 3K
Thankful - Patt
I thank Sheppard’s god that Mal didn’t kill me and tell everyone what I did. I don’t know what I was thinkin’ when I done decided to turn the Doc and River into the Feds. How would I know that they really tortured that crazy girl? She’s nuttier than a Pecan Pie. I did feel pretty darn bad when they took them away and the Doc thought I was helpin’ them. I wonder how Mal knew about it. It’s downright scary sometimes how he knows what I’m thinkin’ before I do.
When I woke up, with an ache in my head, in the holdin’ bay with the door wedged open, I thought I was a goner for sure. I can’t remember a time I ever saw Mal that mad at me. And I seen him mad at me plenty. When he walked away I wanted to die. I knew right then that I had betrayed everyone and I deserved what I done got. But I still didn’t want the rest of the crew to know that I was shifty and tried to sell the Doc and River out. I never expected Mal to let me live. I figured I was dead and buried in his mind, but Mal saw somethin’ in me even when I didn’t. I asked him to make up somethin’ to tell the crew about why I died and Mal shut the cargo door. He gave me fair warning that if it happened again, he wouldn’t show the same kind of mercy. I don’t think I ever want to find out if he’d stand behind the threat.
I’m bigger than Mal, but he’s still the stronger man because he uses his brain to do the thinkin’. I tend to think with whatever is handy.
Now I wonder if Mal is going to throw this up in my face every time I turn around. I would deserve it, but I don’t want him talkin’ down to me all the time because of it. It happened, it’s done over with and we have to move on. I’m just gorram glad that Doc and River don’t know what I did.
I’m goin’ to try and be nicer to everyone, but not too nice because then they’ll wonder why I’m being so darn kind. These people are the only family I got for the time bein’, so I had best treat them better.
I still think that Mal should git rid of the Doc and River. They’re going to be trouble. But I’m never goin’ to sell them out again. From now on, it’s gonna be Mal’s problem, not mine.
When we get paid, I’m gonna buy some fresh fruit and share it with everyone. That won’t be so nice that everyone will wonder what’s goin’ on. I know I could sure go for some fresh fruit. And I just bet River would like it too.