pattrose (pattrose) wrote,

Sentinel Jokes 1

I forgot to post this one first. :)

Sentinel Jokes 1

Rafe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Amber?" asked Rafe. "I want to get weighed," replied Amber.

They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Rafe again asked Amber what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said.

Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Rafe lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," Amber responded.

By this time, Rafe figured that she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How did it go?"
Amber responded, "Oh, Waura. It was wousy."


One Friday afternoon, Megan and Rhonda were hanging around the water cooler at the bullpen. "Rhonda, I just don't know what to do," Megan said to her friend.

"That good-looking Rafe asked me out on a date for Saturday night. Should I go?"

"Oh, my God!" Rhonda exclaimed. "He'll wine you, dine you, and then use any ruse to get you up to his apartment. Then he'll rip off your dress and you'll have fantastic sex!"

"What should I do?" asked Megan.

Her friend quickly replied, "Wear an old dress."


Blair is telling a joke to Brown:

One evening, Pinnochio's girlfriend says to him, "This stinks, Pinnochio! Every time we make love I get splinters."

So Pinnochio decided to go to Gepetto to ask for his advice. Gepetto says, "Sandpaper, my boy. That's all you need."

A few days later Gepetto runs into Pinnochio and asks, "So, Pinnochio, how are you doing with the girls now?"

Pinnochio replied, "Who needs girls!"

Everyone has to help Brown up off the floor.


Jim and Blair go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, Jim goes out to chop some wood.

When he gets back, he says, "Blair, my hands are freezing!"

Blair says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up."

After lunch Jim goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!"

Blair says again, "Well put them here between my legs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, Jim goes out one more time to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says, "Babe, my hands are really freezing!"

Blair looks at him and says, "For crying out loud! Don't your EARS ever get cold?"


Conner told Rhonda, “Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's a woman's job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.”


Rhonda tells Conner, “Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge to a man.

If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you. I want to marry you. And, most of all, I want to have your children."

Sometimes they leave skid marks.”


Rhonda: Why is the book "Women Who Love Too Much," a disappointment for many men?
Conner: No phone numbers.

Rhonda: Why is it hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
Conner: Because those men already have boyfriends.

Rhonda: How does a man take a bubble bath?
Conner: He eats beans for dinner.

Rhonda: Why do men float better than women?
Conner: Because they are scum.

Rhonda: What do beer bottles and men have in common?
Conner: They are both empty from the neck up.

Rhonda: How do you know when a man is planning for the future.
Conner: He buys TWO cases of beer.

Rhonda: What does a man consider as a seven-course meal?
Conner: A hot dog and a six pack.

Rhonda: Is it difficult for a man with a moustache to eat soup?
Conner: Yes, it's quite a strain.


Translated Jim Vocabulary:

"Can I help with dinner?"
Translation: Why isn't it already on the table?

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Translation: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain."
Translation: I have no idea how it works.

"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Translation: The batteries in the remote are dead.

"We're going to be late."
Translation: Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.

"Take a break, babe. You're working too hard."
Translation: I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.

'That's interesting, babe."
Translation: Are you still talking?

"Blair, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Translation: I forgot our anniversary again.

"You expect too much from me."
Translation: You want me to stay awake?

"You know how bad my memory is."
Translation: I remember the theme song to "Rocky V," the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself; it's no big deal."
Translation: I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt.


Translated Blair Vocabulary:

"I do help around the house."
Translation: I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Translation: I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon.

"I can't find it."
Translation: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless.

"What did I do this time?"
Translation: What did you catch me doing?

"I heard you."
Translation: I have no idea what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me.

"You look terrific."
Translation: Oh, please don't try on one more thing. I'm starving.

"I missed you."
Translation: I can't find my sock drawer and we are out of toilet paper.

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Translation: I'm lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again.

"We share the housework."
Translation: I make the messes, you clean them up.

"This relationship is getting too serious."
Translation: You're cutting into the time I spend with my Volvo.

"I don't need to read the instructions."
Translation: I am perfectly capable of messing it up without printed help.


Rafe: What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
Brown: They're intended for children, but it's the men who usually end up playing with them.

Rafe: Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
Brown: To stop the snoring before it starts.

Rafe: How many men does it take to put the toilet seat down?
Brown: Nobody knows, it hasn't happened yet.

Rafe: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Brown: One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

Rafe: What do you say to a man with two black eyes?
Brown: Nothing, he's already been told twice.


Tags: jokes

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