Jim and Blair do jokes 28
Q: Why should cops not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
Q: How can you tell if Rafe’s been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.
Q: What's the difference between Rafe and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.
Q: What did Rafe say to the buxom waitress (reading her name tag)?
A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one?"
Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH?
A: Brown going through a flashing red light.
Q: What does Jim and turtles have in common?
A: When they are on their backs they are screwed.
Q: What is the difference between Blair and a mosquito?
A: The mosquito stops sucking after you smack it.
Q: How did Rafe break his leg raking leaves?
A: He fell out of the tree.
Q: How does Rafe kill a fish?
A: He drowns it.
Q: What is the difference between a smart cop and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been sighted.
Q: What's the mating call of a cop?
A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!"
Q: Why did Conner wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop.
Jim sat in the bar and looking to strike up a conversation.
He turns to bartender and says, "Hey, about those Democrats in the Congress . .."
"STOP pal - I don't allow talk about politics in my bar!" interrupted the bartender.
A few minutes later Jim tried again, "People say about the Pope ..."
"NO religion talk, either," the bartender cuts in.
One more try to break the boredom..." I thought the Yankees would..."
"NO sports talk...That's how fights start in bars!" the barman said.
"Look, how about sex. Can I talk to you about sex?" Jim asked.
"Sure, that we can talk about", replies the barkeep.
"GREAT... GO SCREW YOURSELF!"
One day Blair walks into a bar. The bartender says "if you can make that horse over there laugh you can have free drinks for the rest of the night".
So he says "ok" and walks over to the horse and whispers something in his ear and he starts laughing and the bartender gives him free drinks for the rest of the night.
The next night Blair comes back in and the bartender says "if you can make that horse over there cry I will give you free drinks for the rest of the night.
So he walks over there and does something and the horse starts crying, and the bartender gives him free drinks. Then the bartender asks what the man did to make the horse laugh and what he did to make him cry.
Blair says "To make him laugh I told him I had a bigger dick than he does and to make him cry I showed him".
Blair: Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a dog.
Doctor: Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.
Blair: But I'm not allowed up on the couch!
Joel: Doctor, Doctor You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!
Doc: Do you drink a lot?
Joel: Not really - I spill most of it!
Rafe: Doctor, Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache?
Doc: Of course. Just take this hammer and smash yourself in the head.
Rafe: Then I'll have a bad headache.
Blair: Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm God!
Doc: When did this start?
Blair: Well first I created the sun, then the earth, then the...
Simon: Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots?
Doc: I never make rash promises!
Jim: Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a frog!
Doc: So what's wrong with that?
Jim: I think I'm going to croak!
Rafe was so dumb...
He got stabbed in a shoot-out.
He told me to meet him at the corner of 'walk' and 'don't walk'.
He tried to put M&Ms in alphabetical order.
He tried to drown a fish.
He thought a quarterback was a refund.
He got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
Under 'education' on his job application, he put 'Hooked On Phonics.'
He tripped over a cordless phone.
He took a ruler to bed to see how long he slept.
At the bottom of the application where it says 'sign here', he put 'Sagittarius.'
If he spoke his mind, he'd probably be speechless.
He studied for a blood test... and failed.
He thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.
He thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.
He thought he needed a ticket to get on Soul Train.
He sold the car for gas money.
Rafe gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
Rafe slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the closet door.
Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
You rotten bastard, "says Rafe, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!