Jim and Blair jokes 25
In between watching sporting, hunting & fishing shows a couple weeks back ...
... Jim and Blair were discussing life and death.
Jim told Blair, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
Blair promptly got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.
Some days Jim hated being married to a smartass.
Words with two meanings
* Thingy (thing-ee) n.
o Guide...... Any part under a car's hood.
o Sentinel..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
* Vulnerable (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
o Guide.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
o Sentinel.... Playing football without a cup.
* Communication (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
o Guide... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
o Sentinel... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
* Commitment (ko-mit-ment) n.
o Guide.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
o Sentinel ...... Trying not to hit on other guys while out with this one. (by the way, Blair would kill for less than this.)
* Entertainment (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
o Guide.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
o Sentinel...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
* Flatulence (flach-u-lens) n.
o Guide.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
o Sentinel...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
* Remote Control (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
o Guide.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
o Sentinel... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
* Jim said .. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
* Blair said . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
* Blair said .. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
* Jim said .. .. We don't know; it has never happened. (We all know that Jim does it, but he likes to joke about it with Blair.)
There was once a man and his mate who had been married for more than 40 years.
They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that Blair had a shoe box in the top of his closet that he had cautioned Jim never to open or ask him about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day Blair got very sick and the doctor said he would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, Jim took down the shoe box and took it to Blair’s bedside. He agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $25,000. He asked Blair about the contents.
"When we were to be married," he said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll when I was alone."
Jim was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. Blair had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
"Babe," he said, "that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh," Blair said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls.
* Handling a Sentinel is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
* There is always a lot to be thankful for, if you take the time to look.. For example, I'm sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
* One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
* Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due.
* Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
* Remember the strong oak tree in your backyard is just a nut that held its ground.
* Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
* Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
* My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.
* If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
What Jim Expects in a Guide
* He will always be beautiful and cheerful.
* He could marry a movie star, but wants only you.
* He will have hair that never needs curlers or beauty shops.
* His beauty won't run in a rainstorm.
* He will never be sick--just allergic to jewelry and fur coats.
* He will insist that moving the furniture by himself, it's good for his workout.
* He will be an expert in cooking, cleaning house, fixing the car or TV, painting the house, and keeping quiet.
* His favorite hobbies will be mowing the lawn and shoveling snow.
* He will hate charge cards.
* His favorite expression will be, "What can I do for you, babe?"
* He will think you have Einstein's brain but look like Mr. America.
* He will wish you would go out with the boys so that he could get some cooking done.
* He will love you because you're so sexy.
What Jim Will Get in a Guide
* He speaks 140 words a minute, with gusts up to 180.
* Where there's smoke, there he is-- cooking.
* He's a light eater...once it gets light, she starts eating.
* He lets you know you only have two faults: everything you do, and everything you say.
* No matter what he does with it, his hair looks like an explosion in a steel wool factory.
* If you get lost, open your wallet and he'll find you
A devoted Guide was taking care of his Sentinel, who had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months.
When Jim came to his senses, he motioned for Blair to come near. "You have been with me through all the bad times," he said.
"When I got fired, you were there. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you stayed by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What babe?" Blair asked gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck."
Brown: Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
Conner: At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
Simon: Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he's finished.
Blair: Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.
Daryl asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”
And Simon replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying"
Daryl: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Simon: That happens in every country, son.
Rafe: Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
Joel: Married life is frustrating. The first year of marriage, the man speaks And the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Jim: It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
Simon: A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Joel: When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.