Jim and Blair do jokes 24
Jim wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jim looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean.
So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Babe, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
Simon is also at the table, eating.
Jim asks, "Simon, what happened last night?"
Simon says, "Well, we came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, you broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Jim asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me? Blair would normally kick my ass."
Simon replies, "Oh, that! Blair dragged you to the bedroom, and when he tried to take your pants off, you said, "Hey, leave me alone, I'm married'!"
A newlywed couple (Jim and Blair) were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and had not been seen for five days.
An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds.
The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.
"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love." Blair replied.
The old man replied, "I thought so... would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window? They're choking my ducks!"
Simon and Jim are out drinking one night when Jim turns to Simon and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and Blair STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
Simon looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. Screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw your shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap him on the ass and say, "WHO'S HORNY".....? And he’ll act like he's sound asleep.”
“This is a good idea, but you evidentially don’t know Blair very well, because he’s not going to pretend he’s sleeping.”
Simon thought for a minute and said, “How about sleeping on the couch?”
The Right And Wrong Way to Ask A Sentinel a Question:
How you ask a Guide to do something makes all the difference. Guides think that a subtle nuance or slight turn of phrase will have no effect whatsoever on the resolve of their mucho-macho moron. It does! Which is why you should always use "would you" and "will you" instead of "could you" and "can you".
Do say: would you please take out the garbage?
Do not say: could you get off your big butt and do something around here? What am I, the maid?
Do say: would you like to go out to a nice dinner Saturday night?
Do not say: could you please take me to any restaurant that doesn't have the words "burger", "king" or "happy meal" in their advertising??
Do say: would you take me to a movie this week?
Do not say: could you prove to me you're not Velcroed to the couch and actually have the motor skills to take me to a motion picture? Something without Pamela Anderson in it.
Do say: would you like me to listen to you talk about your day some more?
Do not say: could you step up the filibuster, Sparky? Jeopardy is on in ten minutes.
Do say: would you like to take a vacation?
Do not say: could you move out?
Do say: would you get out of my life?
Do not say: could you get out of my life?
Notice how different these two statements are. A Sentinel is much more likely to get out of your life if you say "would". AS IF…
CONNER’S PENIS ENVY
If I had a penis I'd wear it outside,
In cafes and car lots with pomp and with pride.
If I had a penis I'd pamper it proper.
I'd stay in the tub and use me as a stopper.
If I had a penis I'd take it to parties,
Stretch it and stroke it and shove it at smarties.
I'd take it to pet shows and teach it to stay.
I'd stuff it in turkeys on thanksgiving day.
I'd rival my buddies in sports cars and stick-shifts.
I'd shower my spire with girlies and gifts.
I'd peek around corners, I'd aim at my toilet.
I'd poke it at foreigners and soap it and oil it.
If I had a penis I'd run to my mother,
Comb out the hair and compare it to brother.
I'd lance her, I'd knight her, my hands would indulge,
Pants would seem tighter and buckle and bulge.
A penis to plunder, a penis to push
Cause one in the hand is worth one in the bush.
A penis to love me, a penis to share...
To pick up and play with when nobody's there.
I'd sit like a guy, I'd straddle the chair.
I'd play with my fly, albeit with care.
I'd dip it in chocolate, I'd stick it in sockets.
Go to the movies with hands deep in pockets.
I'd stick it in vacuums on vacant verandahs,
Gas-guzzling bottles and poodles and pandas
And puddles and drain pipes and doggies and ditches,
Pool halls and potholes and bottles and bitches.
If I had a penis, I'd climb every mountain.
I'd force it on females, I'd pee like a fountain.
If I could have a penis and still be a girl,
I'd make much more money and conquer the world!
TALK DIRTY TO ME
Jim and Blair had only been married for two weeks. Jim, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out into town and party, so he says to Blair, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, honey bun?" asks Blair.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."
Blair puts his hands on his hips and says to him, "You want a beer my love?"
Then he opens the door to the refrigerator and shows Jim 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc....
Jim doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is, "Yes, darling. But the bar .... you know ... the frozen glass..."
He didn't get to finish saying the sentence, when Blair interrupts him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"
He takes out of the freezer a huge beer mug so frozen that Blair was getting the chills from holding it.
Jim looking a bit pale says, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hoer's de devours that are really delicious. I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hoer's de devours, Jimmy poo?" he coos.
He opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hoer's de devours - chicken wings, pigs in the blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc...
"But sugar dumpling, at the bar, you know ... the swearing, the dirty words and all that," he meekly replies.
Blair replies, "You want dirty words cutie pie? Here drink your fucking beer in your fucking frozen glass and eat your fucking shit hoer's de vours, because you aren't going anywhere, you fucking asshole!! How’s that?"