Jim and Blair do Jokes 22
Rafe and Brown had driven across the country to see Disney World in Florida.
As Rafe approached it and got onto the final stretch of highway, he saw a sign saying "Disney World Left!"
After thinking for a minute, Rafe said "Oh well!" and started driving back home.
Rafe decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons. He mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but Rafe begins to slip from the saddle. Out of shear terror, he grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. He tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but he slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up his frail grip, he leaps away from the horse to try and throw himself to safety.
Unfortunately, his foot has become entangled in the stirrup. He is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as his head is struck against the ground again and again. As his head is battered against the ground, he is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Frank, the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.
Officer Ellison pulls over a car on a lonely back road and approaches the driver. "Sir, is there a reason you're weaving all over the road?"
The driver replies, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"
Reaching through the side window to the rearview mirror, the Officer Ellison says, "Sir, that's your air freshener."
Officer Brown pulled over a car, walked up to the driver's window, and asked the man if he knew why he was pulled over.
"No," the man replied.
"You failed to stop at the stop sign," the cop explained.
"But I did slow down!" the guy argued.
The cop shook his head. "You are required to stop. That's why they're called stop signs."
The man started to get belligerent. "Stop, slow down -- what's the difference?"
The cop pulled out his baton. "I can show you. I'm going to start hitting you with my baton.
You tell me if you want me to stop or slow down."
"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."
"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and Blair gets a toaster oven."
"Just how big were those two beers?"
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
"In God we trust, all others are suspects."
Things Not To Say To Jim Ellison or Blair Sandburg.
• I only had one officer Mr. Keg.
• Back off Barney, I've got a piece.
• Want to race to the station, Sparky?
• I know I was weaving, but I can't find the Honeycomb Hideout!
• On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack.
• You'll never get those cuffs on me...You Pussy!
• Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
• Hey, wasn't your daughter a pork queen?
• How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
• Hey officer, is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?
• I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!
• Yeah you can see my license and registration, officer, but could you hold my beer for a minute?
• Hey, you must've been doing' about 125mph (200km/h) to keep up with me! Good job!
• Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
• I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.
• Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?
• You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
• "Bad Cop! No Donut!"
• I was trying to keep up with traffic.
• You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?
• "Lets do it different this time... I will give you the breathalyzer test, now stick this in your mouth and blow"
• Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on "COPS" last week on TV?
• Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture next to my girlfriend's bed.
• I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket
• So, uh, you "on the take", or what?
• Gee, officer! That's terrific. The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too!
• Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.
• So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn't let you play with your gun when you were little?
• Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.
• When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile for the camcorder.
• Is it true that people become policemen because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
• Aren't you one of the Village People?
• Hey officer, want to see a trick? Look at your wife!
Police in Cascade had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
Did you hear about the guy who was pulled over for speeding?
Officer Ellison got out of his car and the young man rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," Jim said.
Blair Sandburg replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When Officer Ellison finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. But he did get Blair’s phone number.