Subject: You might be a cop if . . .
Date: Sat, 25 Jul 1998 16:37:39 EDT
You might be a cop if . . .
. . . you have the bladder capacity of five people (Joel or Blair)
. . . you believe that 25% of people are a waste of protoplasm (Joel, Jim, Brown, Rafe, Blair, Conner and Simon)
. . . your idea of a good time is an armed robbery at shift change (Jim)
. . . you call for a criminal check of anyone who seems friendly to you (Jim or Simon)
. . . you find humor in other people's stupidity (Sometimes the entire bullpen gang)
. . . you disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see (Jim, Blair, Simon)
. . . you have your weekends off planned for a year in advance (Jim, Blair, Rafe, Brown and Conner.)
. . . you believe unspeakable evils will fall upon you if someone says "boy, it sure is quiet here tonight" (Brown and Rafe)
. . . your diet consists of food that has gone through more processing than a computer can track (Jim)
. . . you believe chocolate is a food group (Jim)
. . . when someone calls you a jerk, you take it as a compliment (Conner)
. . . you have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled "Suicide, get it right the first time" (Jim and Conner)
. . . you believe that "too stupid to live" should be a valid verdict (Simon)
. . . you have ever had to put the phone on hold, so you could laugh uncontrollably (Everyone)
. . . you believe a certain dispatcher is possessed by a demon (Conner)
. . . your favorite hallucinogen is exhaustion (Jim, Blair and the gang)
. . . you think caffeine should be available in IV form (Jim and Simon)
. . . you have heard the sergeant muttering down the hall, "who's in charge of this mess"
. . . your prisoner states, "I don't know how it got there" (Everyone)
. . . it occurs to you suddenly one night that you are policing the Twilight Zone (Jim and Blair)
. . . you find out a lot about paranoia just by following people around (Jim)
. . . you are told to deliver a human jaw in a jar and you find yourself talking to it there on the seat beside you (Joel)
. . . you believe it's not a good death unless it involves overtime (Jim, Blair, Rafe, Brown and Conner)
. . . you are the only person introduced at a social gathering by his profession (Jim and Blair)
. . . you walk into places and people think it's high comedy to seize a co-worker and shout "they've come to get you, bill or fred. or whoever" (Jim and Blair)
. . . you do not see daylight from November to May (Jim, Blair, Rafe, Brown, Conner and Joel)
. . . you believe office meetings are always called at the end of your shift (Everyone)
. . . people shout "I didn't do it!" when you walk into a room and they think it's original and hugely funny (Jim and Blair)
One warm summer evening as dusk approached, a snail was sliding home from a day at the lake.
Along the way, Mr. Snail had to venture into a shady part of the neighborhood. Careful though he was, Mr. Snail was unexpectedly approached from behind by two rogue turtles. The turtles commenced to attack Mr. Snail, striking him about the head and tail with their front and rear legs. They robbed him of what little valuables he carried with him, leaving him for dead.
As luck would have it, Officer Rafe on routine patrol came across the batted snail -- still clinging on to life. As Rafe awaited medical assistance to arrive, he empathetically began his preliminary investigation into this heinous crime.
"Tell me, Mr. Snail, who did this to you?" Rafe inquired.
"I don't know," responded the snail, in obvious pain and confusion, "it all happened so fast . . . "