pattrose (pattrose) wrote,

Interpreting a Police Report

Subject: what he really meant
Date: Thu, 10 Dec 1998 08:39:57 -0600
What the report SAID (1), What the report MEANT (2)

(1) While on routine patrol...
(2) I was in the car because the coffee shop was closed.

(1) The motorist was operating his vehicle in a reckless manner
(2) He had a bumper sticker that said "SLOW DOWN-DON'T FEED THE PIGS"

(1) The accident scene and the safety of the victims prevented this officer from doing traffic control
(2) It was raining.

(1) This officer went out-of-service to obtain intelligence information from a street informant.
(2) It was too hot to ride in the car.

(1) I observed the suspect acting in a suspicious manner...
(2) The dirt-bag let go with an "Oink" as I walked by.

(1) Knowing the suspect had a criminal history...
(2) He puked on my uniform one night...

(1) The informant is of known credibility and has provided reliable information in the past...
(2) I've got two theft cases hanging over his head...

(1) While being arrested, this subject resisted being injured in the act...
(2) He ripped my shirt and broke my new mirror sunglasses...

(1) The motorist was cited for multiple traffic violations...
(2) I wrote one citation for each swearword he used...

(1) Upon announcing my title and purpose, I heard a voice from inside the house say "Come in" so this writer entered through the door...
(2)The rock music was so loud they wouldn't have heard Patton's army so I kicked in the door.

(1) The members of the press at the scene were offered every courtesy within departmental policies...
(2) I sent then to a nonexistent address which I called the "Command Post."

(1) I gave the motorist a verbal warning for speeding...
(2) She was a good-looking blonde who owned a liquor store and who was free after my shift was over.

(1) The Chief appeared at the scene and took command...
(2) I sent him to the same address as the reporters.

(1) Further interview of the witness was impossible, due to conditions.
(2) It was my bowling night...

(1) The motorist eyes were glassy, he had slurred speech, was unsteady on his feet, and smelled strongly of an alcoholic beverage.
(2) He was howling at the moon and trying to drive the car from the back seat.

(1) Using only enough force to restrain the subject...
(2) My favorite song is "Drop-kick me Jesus Through the Goal Post of Life"

(1) The defendant asked this officer's advice on how to act before the judge at his arraignment...
(2) I told him he didn't have the balls to call the judge the same name he called me.


New Arrestee Questionnaire

Subject: New Arrestee Questionnaire
Date: Tue, 21 Sep 1999 04:00:58 EDT

Law Enforcement Improvement Policy
In order to provide you, the customer, with the best possible service, we ask that you take a few minutes to complete this critique.

1. During your arrest were you advised of your rights in a timely manner?
___ Yes
___ No
___ What rights?

2. If your attitude at the time of arrest required the use of force, how would you rate the application of said force?
___ Too much
___ Not enough
___ Just right

3. If an arrest warrant was used during your arrest, what type was it?
___ Consensual
___ Court ordered
___ Police ordered

4. When you were handcuffed, how would you rate their use?
___ Too tight
___ Not tight enough
___ Too loose
___ Not loose enough
___ Just right

5. For what crime were you arrested?
___ Homicide
___ Rape
___ Robbery
___ DUI
___ Public Stupidity
___ Public Mopery with Intent to Gawk
___ Other

6. During your arrest, was the officer's commentary directed at you politically correct?
___ Yes
___ No

7. During your ride to jail, how many times did the officer's driving habits cause your face to impact with the silent partner?
___ Once
___ Twice
___ Three times
___ I can't remember

8. Once you arrived at our jail, how were you removed from the vehicle?
___ Through the car door
___ Through the trunk
___ From the trunk
___ Through the wing window
___ Off the bumper

9. Have you taken advantage of our department's free attitude adjustment program?'
___ Yes
___ No
___ Not yet

10. How would you rate the food at our jail in comparison with food at other jails you have visited?
___ Excellent
___ Good
___ Fair
___ Poor
___ Bad
___ What food?

11. Would you recommend being arrested by our department to your fellow felons?
___ Yes
___ No
___ You gotta be kidding

12. Were you offered an opportunity to confess to the crime you were arrested for?
___ Yes
___ No

13. Were you offered an opportunity to confess to the crime you were not arrested for?
___ Yes
___ No

14. Our department is offering a Time Saver Program whereby you can sign all forms ahead of time, and we will fill in the blanks later. Would you be interested in such a program?
___ Yes
___ No
___ Does X count as a signature?

Thank you for your participation!


This guy is flying down the road, and he comes over a bridge.

Sure enough, Officer Ellison with a radar gun is sitting on the other side of the bridge and pulls him over.

Jim walks up to the guy's car and asks, "What's the hurry?"

The guy says, "I'm late for work."

"What do you do?"

The guy responds, "Well, I'm a rectum stretcher."

Jim says, "What? A rectum stretcher?"

The guy says, "Yeah. I start with a finger, then work my way up to two fingers... eventually I get a hand in, then both hands, and I slowly stretch it until it's about six feet wide."

Jim asks, "What do you do with a six-foot asshole?"

"Well, you give him a radar gun and park him at the end of a bridge....."


Song: Day Old Donuts

(Tune: Banana Boat Song -- Day, Oh!)

Day old, Daaay old
Day old donuts for one ninety-nine
Day, me say day, me say day, me say day old
Day old donuts for one ninety-nine.

Work all day in the donut shop.
Day old donuts for one ninety-nine.
Some are filled with jelly, Some are glazed on top.
Day old donuts for one ninety-nine. **

Come Mr. Policeman, buy my aging pastry.
Day old donuts for one ninety-nine.
They are cheap, but they're not very tasty.
Day old donuts for one ninety-nine. **

Half dozen, whole dozen, buy a whole bunch,
Day old donuts for one ninety-nine.
Put 'em down at breakfast, Bring 'em up at lunch.
Day old donuts for one ninety-nine. **

Once there was a donut,
Boy was it humongous.
Day old donuts for one ninety-nine.
Took a bite and found it full of fungus.
Day old donuts for one ninety-nine. **


Tags: jokes

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