Jim and Blair do Jokes 18
Brown: "Guess who I pulled over in a traffic stop the other day?"
Brown: "Janet Jackson!"
Rafe: "What she do, was she speeding?"
Brown: "Nah, she had one headlight out."
Jim: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Blair: Just one, but he is never around when you need him.
Rafe stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."
The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."
Rafe replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"
The Cascade Police Department (CPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in.
They place animal informants throughout the forest.
They question all plant and mineral witnesses.
After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in.
After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies.
The rabbit had it coming.
The CPD goes in.
They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.
The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
Jim: What did the policeman say to his belly button?
Blair: I don’t know what?
Jim: You're under a vest!
Officer Banks pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.
After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"
The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"
Brown: "When I saw you driving down the road, I guessed 55 at least."
Lady: "You're wrong, officer, it's only my hat that makes me look that old."
A man was recently flying to New York. He decided to strike up a conversation with his seat mate.
"I've got a great policeman joke. Would you like to hear it?"
"I should let you know first that I am a policeman." Joel said.
"That's OK. I'll tell it really slow!"
Rafe is on scene at a terrible accident - body parts everywhere. He is making his notes of where the pieces are and comes across a head.
He writes in his notebook: "Head on bullevard" and scratchs out his spelling error.
"Head on bouelevard" Nope, doesn't look right - scratch scratch.
"Head on boolevard..." dang it! Scratch scratch.
He looks around and sees that no one is looking at him as he kicks the head.
"Head on curb."
Ten Signs The Police Chief Hates The New Cop on The Block
10. He sends you on drug raids....alone.
9. He refers to you as "Our Little Mascot."
8. The job description in your contract includes "crash test dummy" and "pepper-spray test subject."
7. Instead of a gun, you were issued a water pistol.
6. He always tells you that only wussies call for back-up.
5. He lied to you about an "officer exchange program" and put you on a plane to Siberia.
4. He doesn't like to be seen with you in public.
3. He makes up "missing persons" and then sends you to look for them.
2. You always get the patrol car with the flat tire, no gas, a dead battery, and a broken air conditioner.
1. Your locker is also the broom closet!!
A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to. The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands.
But it also lit up her arm, too!
Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked. She took off running down the street.
Jim’s truck was at the intersection where it happened and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming. All Jim could think of doing was to shoot her. This took everyone by surprise. Jim ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance.
When questioned about his course of action to stop her, Jim said, "My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm."
During a traffic stop Officer Ellison is swatting at a fly that is circling around his head, and blurts out what kind of dang fly is that anyhow.
The traffic offender replies, "that's a circle fly."
Officer Ellison replies that he's never heard of a "circle fly."
The offender replies circle flies are usually found circling around a horses @$$.
Enraged, Officer Ellison says, "are you calling me a horses @$$?", to which the traffic offender replied, "no sir, but you can't fool a circle fly."
The Revised Miranda Rights Version 2
1. You have the rights to an @$$-kicking.
2. You have the right to have a priest and/or an EMT present at the time of the @$$-kicking.
3. If you don't have a priest, one will be appointed free of charge, to read you your last prayer.
The Revised Miranda Rights Version 3
You are under arrest and....
1. No, I don't care who you are.
2. No, I don't care who you know.
3. Yes... you DO pay my salary.
4. Yes... you CAN have my job.
5. No, I don't have anything better to do.
6. Yes, I DO arrest real criminals sometimes.
7. No, I am not picking on you because you are __________ (fill in any ethnic group/race).
8. No, I can't give you a break.
9. No, I don't know your friend, Officer __________.
10. Yes, you will be allowed to make a phone call.
11. Yes, I'm sure you will never do it again.
12. No, we can't talk about it.
13. Yes, it DOES make me happy.
14. Yes, you WILL see me in court.
Thank you, have a nice day.
Your Arresting Officer __________
A hole has appeared in the ladies changing rooms at the sports club.
Cascade Police are looking into it.
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar.
A $40 speeding ticket was included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.
Simon responded with another mailed photo -- of handcuffs.