Jim and Blair do Jokes 17
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. (Blair sometimes like to pet sweaty things. So does Jim.)
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. (Conner on Saturday night at the loft for Poker.)
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? (Blair has asked this question many times. No one has an answer to it and throwing popcorn at his head doesn’t count.)
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. (Simon thinks he might play Santa Clause this year and see if he doesn’t find some bad girls.)
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. (Jim almost got arrested for trying to smack this woman.)
7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses? (Blair has asked this question, also.)
8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? (Of course, says Henri)
9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong? (Jim decided that this is just like having a Guide in the forest and he would still be wrong. Just ask Blair.)
10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? (Joel thinks it might be, they would have to call and bug Simon about it first.)
11. Is there another word for synonym?
12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?" (Conner refuses to see anyone that calls it practice.)
13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?" (DUH, to the city.)
14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? (Jim would have to call Blair, because he needs help with this one.)
15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk? (Blair wonders who would tear the wings off a poor defenseless fly and then call him a walk?)
17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? (Jim wonders this very same thing all the time.)
18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? (Rafe says he’s naked.)
19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? (Rafe says no, because they’re shaped like animals and might have animal fat in them.)
21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? (Simon bursts out laughing and looks at Jim. No one brings the matter up again.)
22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through ugly bank machine?
23. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? (Blair asks Jim this every time they pass one.)
24. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? (Blair is laughing and says that this might be true.)
25. What was the best thing before sliced bread? (Blair wants to know.)
26. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. (Blair looks at Conner and smiles.)
27. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it. (Blair wonders why everyone doesn’t understand this one, because this is how he feels every time he drinks.)
28. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. (Blair looks around the bullpen and smiles.)
29. The older you get, the better you realize you were. (Simon thinks this makes a lot of sense.)
30. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. (Simon also thinks this makes sense.)
31. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. (Jim points this out to Blair every time he can.)
32. Women like silent men, they think they're listening. (Conner truly believes this one.)
33. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it. (Conner has learned to deal with it.)
34. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. (Simon, Jim and Joel all think that this sounds like a good idea.)
35. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays? (Blair fell off his desk from laughing, so one would guess this one is funny.)
36. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
37. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? (Brown thinks that it would be nice if an infant could actually talk.)
38. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? (Blair thinks this is a good question.)
39. If God dropped acid, would he see people? (Everyone is laughing at this one, and no one knows exactly why.)
40. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? (Jim thinks that would only be right.)
41. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2? (Blair says it’s because it’s the ‘shit’.)
42. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it? (Everyone agrees that no one ever said work was terrific.)
43. If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?
44. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? (Jim is getting a headache trying to figure this one out.)
45. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? (Simon wonders if they can at least talk about shooting them.)
Here Lies Jim Ellison,
It isn’t even fair.
Lying here cold and hard,
His dick still in the air.
Here Lies Blair Sandburg.
A better man you would never see.
He slipped on a banana peel
When he had to take a pee.
Here Lies Simon Banks.
A great father and a wonderful friend.
At least he’s dry now.
And won’t need the depends.
Here Lies Megan Conner.
Like a Yank she was beginning to act.
A good friend to everyone.
Even if she had no tact.
This is the private diary of a Viagra Guide... (Blair)
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, Jim locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
Today, Jim says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.
This marriage is in trouble. A Guide has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix Jim’s 'problem'. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.
What absolute bliss!!.
Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a bit sore.
No time to write. He might catch me.
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a Guide can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.
I wish he was straight. Even yawning has become dangerous...
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a bum but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me!
I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and fuck himself and he did.
The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference...Christ! Here he comes again!
He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!