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Jim and Blair do jokes 11.



Jim and Blair do jokes 11

Blair seated himself in the psychiatrists office.

"What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.

"Well, I, uh," he stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."

"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."

"That's not bad," Blair replied. "How much for all night?"


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The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test to everyone in Major Crime.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

Simon raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

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Brown went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. "you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?" Brown asked.

"A hundred dollars per visit." Replied the doctor.

"I'll sleep on it," said Brown.

Six months later the doctor met Brown on the street. "Why didn't you ever

come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars." Brown answered.

"Is that so! How?" The doctor wondered out loud.

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

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Joel goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."

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Jim was having a tough day and had stretched himself out on the couch to do a bit of what he thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying.

He moaned to Blair, "Nobody loves me ... the whole world hates me!"

Blair, hardly looked up at him and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Jim. Some people don't even know you."

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Simon: Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence--a life sentence.

Rafe: Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.

Brown: Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.

Simon: Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

Joel: Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.

Simon: Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "rings":
* The Engagement Ring
* The Wedding Ring
* The Suffe-Ring
* The Endu-Ring

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Jim and Blair’s answering machine:
You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me...

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Major Crime Bumper Stickers:

Conner: If you are psychic - think "HONK"

Simon: If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!

Blair: You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!

Jim: Don't get me mad! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies!

Brown: You are depriving some poor village of its idiot!

Joel: Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

Conner: All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets

Everyone: Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

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Blair’s Ponderings
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

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Simon’s Ponderings

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

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