Top ten things not to say on your Anniversary
Why Simon is no longer married:
10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking.
9. Today is our what?
8. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?
7. I thought we only celebrated important events?
6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.
5. You don't like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.
4. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here's a $5 gift certificate for McDonald's.
3. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.
2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I'll take you to Pizza Hut if it'll shut ya up.
1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.
I have "great" news for you
Blair said to Jim when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."
Jim ran to him with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.
He was glowing of happiness and kissing Blair when he said, "I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, Naomi moves in with us."
The guide to Guide translations
The Guide says: You want
The Guide means: I want
The Guide says: We need
The Guide means: I want
The Guide says: It's your decision
The Guide means: The correct decision should be obvious
The Guide says: Do what you want
The Guide means: You'll pay for this later
The Guide says: We need to talk
The Guide means: I need to complain
The Guide says: Sure... go ahead
The Guide means: I don't want you to
The Guide says: I'm not upset
The Guide means: Of course I'm upset you moron
The Guide says: You're ... so manly
The Guide means: You need a shave and sweat a lot
The Guide says: This kitchen is so inconvenient
The Guide means: I want a new house.
The Guide says: I want new curtains.
The Guide means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!
The Guide says: Hang the picture there
The Guide means: No, I mean hang it there!
The Guide says: I heard a noise
The Guide means: I noticed you were almost asleep.
The Guide says: Do you love me?
The Guide means: I'm going to ask for something expensive.
The Guide says: How much do you love me?
The Guide means: I did something today you're not going to like.
The Guide says: I'll be ready in a minute.
The Guide means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.
The Guide says: Am I fat?
The Guide means: Tell me I'm perfect.
The Guide says: You have to learn to communicate.
The Guide means: Just agree with me.
The Guide says: Are you listening to me?
The Guide means: [Too late, your doomed.]
The Guide says: Yes
The Guide means: No
The Guide says: No
The Guide means: No
The Guide says: Maybe
The Guide means: No
The Guide says: I'm sorry
The Guide means: You'll be sorry
The Guide says: Do you like this recipe?
The Guide means: You better get used to it
The Guide says: I'm not yelling!
The Guide means: Yes I am! I think this is important!
In answer to the question "What's wrong?"
The Guide says: The same old thing.
The Guide means: Nothing.
The Guide says: Nothing.
The Guide means: Everything.
The Guide says: Nothing, really.
The Guide means: It's just that you're an idiot.
The Guide says: I don't want to talk about it.
The Guide means: I'm still building up steam
University courses for men and women
Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Men Fall Catalogue
Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.
1. Combatting Stupidity
2. You Too Can Do Housework
3. Resistance to Beer
4. How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray
5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas (Give Us Credit Cards)
6. Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00am
7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (also called "Don't Wash My Silks")
9. Get A Life - Learn To Cook
10. How Not To Act Like An Idiot When You Are Obviously Wrong
11. Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right
12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
13. You, The Weaker Sex
14. Reasons To Give Flowers
15. Garbage - Getting It To The Curb
16. You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Please
17. How To Put Down A Toilet Seat
18. Give Me A Break - Why We Know Your Excuses Are Lies
19. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost
20. The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency
21. Helpful Posture Hints For Couch Potatoes
22. Mother-in-Laws Are People Too
23. The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous
24. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
25. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver
26. Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends At Home
27. Attainable Goal - Omitting Foul Expletives From Vocabulary
28. You Don't Really Need That Porsche
And for Conner:
Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Women Fall Catalogue
Once again, the male staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for women of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required. 1. Combatting The Impulse To Nag
2. You Can Change The Oil Too
4. How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug
5. We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas
6. Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness
7. How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football
8. Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around
9. How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop
10. How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right
11. Get A Life - Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself
12. Balancing A Checkbook - Even You Can Get It Right
13. Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility
14. You, The Whining Sex
15. Shopping - Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours
16. If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother
17. How To Close The Garage Door
18. If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An Explanation
19. How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia
20. Living Without Power Windows - How To Turn A Crank
21. Romanticism - The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation
22. How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself
23. Why You Don't Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend
24. Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous
25. How To Act Younger Than Your Mother
26. You Too Can Carry A Backpack
27. Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most
28. Learning To Appreciate The Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men
29. Attainable Goal - Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving
30. How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste