pattrose (pattrose) wrote,

  • Mood:

Jim and Blair do jokes 9.

Top ten things not to say on your Anniversary
Why Simon is no longer married:
10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking.

9. Today is our what?

8. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?

7. I thought we only celebrated important events?

6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.

5. You don't like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.

4. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here's a $5 gift certificate for McDonald's.

3. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.

2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I'll take you to Pizza Hut if it'll shut ya up.

1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.


I have "great" news for you
Blair said to Jim when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."

Jim ran to him with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.

He was glowing of happiness and kissing Blair when he said, "I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, Naomi moves in with us."


The guide to Guide translations
The Guide says: You want
The Guide means: I want

The Guide says: We need
The Guide means: I want

The Guide says: It's your decision
The Guide means: The correct decision should be obvious

The Guide says: Do what you want
The Guide means: You'll pay for this later

The Guide says: We need to talk
The Guide means: I need to complain

The Guide says: Sure... go ahead
The Guide means: I don't want you to

The Guide says: I'm not upset
The Guide means: Of course I'm upset you moron

The Guide says: You're ... so manly
The Guide means: You need a shave and sweat a lot

The Guide says: This kitchen is so inconvenient
The Guide means: I want a new house.

The Guide says: I want new curtains.
The Guide means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!

The Guide says: Hang the picture there
The Guide means: No, I mean hang it there!

The Guide says: I heard a noise
The Guide means: I noticed you were almost asleep.

The Guide says: Do you love me?
The Guide means: I'm going to ask for something expensive.

The Guide says: How much do you love me?
The Guide means: I did something today you're not going to like.

The Guide says: I'll be ready in a minute.
The Guide means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.

The Guide says: Am I fat?
The Guide means: Tell me I'm perfect.

The Guide says: You have to learn to communicate.
The Guide means: Just agree with me.

The Guide says: Are you listening to me?
The Guide means: [Too late, your doomed.]

The Guide says: Yes
The Guide means: No

The Guide says: No
The Guide means: No

The Guide says: Maybe
The Guide means: No

The Guide says: I'm sorry
The Guide means: You'll be sorry

The Guide says: Do you like this recipe?
The Guide means: You better get used to it

The Guide says: I'm not yelling!
The Guide means: Yes I am! I think this is important!

In answer to the question "What's wrong?"

The Guide says: The same old thing.
The Guide means: Nothing.

The Guide says: Nothing.
The Guide means: Everything.

The Guide says: Nothing, really.
The Guide means: It's just that you're an idiot.

The Guide says: I don't want to talk about it.
The Guide means: I'm still building up steam

University courses for men and women
Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Men Fall Catalogue
Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.

1. Combatting Stupidity

2. You Too Can Do Housework

3. Resistance to Beer

4. How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray

5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas (Give Us Credit Cards)

6. Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00am

7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (also called "Don't Wash My Silks")

9. Get A Life - Learn To Cook

10. How Not To Act Like An Idiot When You Are Obviously Wrong

11. Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right

12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence

13. You, The Weaker Sex

14. Reasons To Give Flowers

15. Garbage - Getting It To The Curb

16. You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Please

17. How To Put Down A Toilet Seat

18. Give Me A Break - Why We Know Your Excuses Are Lies

19. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost

20. The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency

21. Helpful Posture Hints For Couch Potatoes

22. Mother-in-Laws Are People Too

23. The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous

24. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children

25. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver

26. Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends At Home

27. Attainable Goal - Omitting Foul Expletives From Vocabulary

28. You Don't Really Need That Porsche


And for Conner:
Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Women Fall Catalogue
Once again, the male staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for women of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required. 1. Combatting The Impulse To Nag

2. You Can Change The Oil Too

4. How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug

5. We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas

6. Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness

7. How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football

8. Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around

9. How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop

10. How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right

11. Get A Life - Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself

12. Balancing A Checkbook - Even You Can Get It Right

13. Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility

14. You, The Whining Sex

15. Shopping - Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours

16. If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother

17. How To Close The Garage Door

18. If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An Explanation

19. How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia

20. Living Without Power Windows - How To Turn A Crank

21. Romanticism - The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation

22. How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself

23. Why You Don't Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend

24. Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous

25. How To Act Younger Than Your Mother

26. You Too Can Carry A Backpack

27. Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most

28. Learning To Appreciate The Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men

29. Attainable Goal - Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving

30. How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste


Tags: jokes

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