Jim and Blair do Jokes 8
Simon: As a new officer, you'll be faced with some difficult issues. What would you do if you had to arrest your mother?
Blair: Call for backup!
"Jim will not be in today. He is not feeling himself. Thank you."
1. He doesn't feel the way he usually does.
2. He is not in complete control of his hands.
3. His emotions are shattered.
4. His skin is numb.
5. He has transformed into an alter-ego (i.e. professional wrestler)
6. He is not feeling himself, in a biblical sense.
7. He has been covered in saran-wrap.
8. He is in an isolation tank.
9. He wanted to take a day off but couldn't come up with an actual illness
10. He is feeling others.
What is the difference between Blair and a brick? The brick only gets laid once.
What does Blair and spaghetti have in common? The more you eat them the more they wiggle.
Jim, Blair and Rafe were all stranded on an island.
One day they found a genie and he said he would grant them three wishes.
All three of them agreed that each of them would get one wish each.
Jim said, "I wish I was home in my bed and that this never happened.", and poof his wish was granted.
Blair said, "I wish that I was home in Jim’s bed and this never happened.", and poof his wish was granted.
Then Rafe said, "I wish my friends were here with me."
Blair had everyone’s attention and said, “An escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You would never see an ‘Escalator temporarily out of order’ sign, just ‘Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.’"
The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and Jim decides to let Blair know where he stands right from the start of the marriage.
He proceeds to take off his jeans and throw them at Blair. He says, "Put those on."
Blair replies, "I can't wear your jeans."
Jim replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"
Blair takes off her jeans and throws them at Jim with the same request, "Try those on!"
Jim replies,"I can't get into your jeans!"
"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."
A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrant!" The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter." The penis outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!"
Simon, Jim and Blair go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, Simon on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" Jim on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then Blair in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"