Jim and Blair do Jokes 7.
Simon was looking for a new Detective, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest tack in the box went in to try out for the job.
"Okay," Simon said, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"
"11" Gomer replied.
Simon thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."
"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
Gomer answered, "Today and tomorrow."
Simon was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant.
"It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
Blair was out for his first ride on the job with JIm. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.
Jim and Blair drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.
Blair rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner people."
A few glances, but no one moved, so Blair barked again, "Let's get off that corner... NOW!"
Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.
Proud of his first official act, Blair turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"
Pretty good," chuckled Jim, "especially since this is a bus stop."
On a rural road a state trooper pulled Blair over and said: "Sir, do you realize a man fell out of the Volvo several miles back?"
To which Blair replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"
A tourist asks a man in uniform, "Are you a policeman?"
Rafe answered, "No, I am an undercover detective."
"So why are you in uniform?"
Rafe answered, "Today is my day off."
A man was recently flying to New York. He decided to strike up a conversation with his seat mate.
"I've got a great policeman joke. Would you like to hear it?"
Rafe said, "I should let you know first that I am a policeman."
"That's OK. I'll tell it really slow!"
Quotes for the bullpen gang:
Brown: "The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
Blair: "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
Jim: "So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
Simon: "Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
Jim: "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
Joel: "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
Rafe: "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
Blair: "Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."
Brown: "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
Jim: "Just how big were those two beers?
Simon: "In God we trust, all others are suspects."
Jim on K-9 detail:
1. You have the right to remain motionless, or you may elect to run away from me.
2. Should you decide to run, I shall direct my K-9 to chase you down to the ends of the earth.
3. You have the right to have your lawyer run with you. Should he refuse, a recent Law School graduate will be appointed by the court to jog along with you.
4. If while running, you suddenly decide to end the race, beware that my K-9 may or may not understand your intentions, and may continue his persuit of you in full stride.
5. You may stop running at any time, at your own risk.
6. Good luck. On your mark, get set....GO!!!!!