Jim and Blair’s ROAD TRIP
1. Pulls off at wrong exit.
2. Opens window
3. Asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer
4. Arrives at destination presently.
1. Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one.
2. Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right.
3. Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.
4. Finally rolls down window
5. Hocks a loogie
6. Pulls up to a 7 -11
7. Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky
8. Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.
9. Gets back into car.
11. After he closes the door.
12. Laughs at Jim’s idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.
13. Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was.
14. Almost hits a deer
15. Curses the night
16. Curses you
17. Curses the large slurpee
18. Stops by the side of the road
19 Takes a leak
20. Still taking a leak.
21. Almost done
22. I think.
23. Returns to car
24. Drives and fiddles with radio.
25. Yells at Jim for suggesting the map again
26. Admits he didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at your cousin’s anyway.
27. He hates your cousin.
28. Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel
29. He had to look up pernicious.
30. Couldn't find a dictionary.
31. Finally found a dictionary
32. Couldn't spell pernicious.
33. Seethes at the memory of it all
34. But she is laughing inside...
35. And of course you're still lost.
"Is there a man here in need of assistance?" asked the medic from the ambulance as he knocked on the door.
"Yes," replied Blair opening the door. "It's my partner. He has an electric vibrator lodged in him."
"Well, we'll have to transport him to the hospital," the medic replied. "Those things can be tricky to remove."
"Never mind," said Blair. "It can wait. We have an HMO which doesn't allow Emergency Room visits except for life threatening incidents. But for now, could you at least turn it off? It's interfering with the TV."
Jim is like an automobile.
As he gets older, the differential starts slipping, and the U-joints get worn, causing the drive shaft to go bad. The transmission won't go into high gear and sometimes has difficulty getting out of low.
The cylinders get worn and lose compression, making it hard to climb the slightest incline. When it is climbing, the tappets clatter and ping to the point where one wonders if the old bus will make it to the top.
The carburetor gets fouled with pollutants and other matter, making it hard to get started in the morning. It is hard to keep the radiator filled because of the leaking hose.
The thermostat goes out, making it difficult to reach operating temperature. The headlights grow dim, and the battery needs constant recharging.
But if Jim looks good, we can keep him washed and polished, giving the impression he can compete with newer models and make one more trip down the primrose lane before the head gasket blows.
Jim... start your engine!!
1. The Guide always makes THE RULES.
2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.
3. No Sentinel can possibly know all THE RULES.
4. If the Guide suspects the Sentinel knows all THE RULES, he must immediately change some of THE RULES.
5. The Guide is never wrong.
6. If it appears the Guide is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Sentinel did or said wrong.
7. If Rule #6 applies, the Sentinel must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
8. The Guide can change his mind at any time.
9. The Sentinel must never change his mind without the express written consent of The Guide.
10. The Guide has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The Sentinel must remain calm at all times, unless the Guide wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The Guide must, under no circumstances, let the Sentinel know whether he wants him to be angry or upset.
13. The Sentinel is expected to read the mind of the Guide at all times.
14. At all times, what is important is what the Guide meant, not what she said.
15. If the Sentinel doesn't abide by THE RULES, it is because he can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.
16. If the Guide has a headache, all THE RULES are null and void and the Sentinel must cater to his every whim.
17. If the Sentinel, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5.